Satoshi Comes Out of Hiding to Proclaim "I Am the Real Dr. Craig Wright" :Satire:

By BitcoinGordon | Crypto Satire -Fake News Ripped from the Headlines | 18 Dec 2019

Truth is stranger than fiction, but fiction can be pretty zany. This is the latter.

In a remarkable twist of events, we now know the real Satoshi Nakamoto. Sure enough, it's just a dude from Yonkers who's been so focused on his concept for a D&D card collecting game, he forgot to check and see how his "digital coin thing" had been doing.

Shocked by Bitcoin's current value, and terrified it might actually "wreck the world", Sat, as he likes to be called, felt the need to get caught up on the whole world of cryptocurrency. Little did he know, there was this whole thing about "who is the real Satoshi Nakamoto"?

The legend goes, that Bitcoin originated in a small cryptography group. Satoshi's concept seemed to solve the complex problems of digital currency, legitimacy of distributed ledger, and proving the finality of a payment. Just when things were taking off, he seemed to disappear, never to be heard from again. The wave of mystery deepened. There were people who had worked directly with the famous Nakamoto, but never face to face. None of them heard from him for years.

Was he dead? Was he in hiding? Did the CIA have him under surveillance? What gives?

Sat needed cover, so he went searching for anyone with some coding skills claiming to be... him. Hmmm here's this thing called Satoshi's Vision; that sounds perrrrrrfect! So, Sat took his first few millions of dollars, of which he preferred the stability of hard cash fiat green dollars, and placed them into his PayPal account. He bought up all the online ads and press releases to send it out on the wire: "I am the real Dr. Craig Wright, and I did not create Bitcoin".

"Sat" as his friends knew him, was completely unaware of anything happening online or in the news, due to his razor-sharp focus on 'Cards Cards Dungeony Cards', which he was certain would take the card-trading roleplay genre to the next level. That is until one day, when running a test market at the local strip mall, Sat was jokingly asked "you're not THE Satoshi Nakamoto, are you?" He, of course, had no clue what the person was talking about. So, they explained the concept of Bitcoin, and Sat went flush.

He raced home, plugged in his 56K... realized his service had not been in operation for 8 years, went back out to buy a used laptop, plugged in the DSL, got service to come out that same day, and the world opened up to Sat like he never could imagine. Realizing the current market value of Bitcoin, he suddenly worried his abandoned crypto-mining manifesto might actually break finance for decades. Then, he remembered that his personal origin key to bitcoin was still sitting on his old mining rig. Oh for joy!

Blowing off some dust, firing up the 8-year-old capacitors and hungry out-dated gpu's, the old rig whirred to life. "Yep, I'm a billionaire! Now I KNOW 'Cards Cards Dungeony Cards' will get it's full opportunity for success. Can anybody say 'unlimited budget?' HaHaHa evil scientist laugh HAAAA!".

Sat started dripping his sell orders 5-10 Bitcoins at a time on Kraken, Coinspace, Gemini, and he tried Binance, but they figured out his onion router and he had to use localbitcoins instead. But here's the thing; everyone was looking for the 'real' Satoshi. The last thing he wanted to do was get slammed with press, constant Libertarian buzz, possibly have angry governments chasing him down for back-taxes. What was he going to do?

"I am the real Dr. Craig Wright, and I did not create Bitcoin".

Sat needed cover, so he went searching for anyone with some coding skills claiming to be... him. "Hmmm here's this thing called Satoshi's Vision; that sounds perrrrrrfect!"

So, Sat took his first few millions of dollars, of which he preferred the stability of hard cash fiat green dollars, and placed them into his PayPal account. He bought up all the online ads and press releases, sending out on the wire: "I am the real Dr. Craig Wright, and I did not create Bitcoin".

"There..." Sat said "now I can use a new pseudonym to give 'Cards Cards Dungeony Cards' it's fair shake. Legally changing his name to Dr. Craig Wright, Sat took out banner ads on every Fortnight, League of Legends and every MMOORRGPGGPPG site he could find.

Eventually, he found his tribe with a small click of OG D&D masterminds jaded by, you know, everything, and Sat finally found his niche. When questioned in a discrete location, this interviewer heard it with his own ears, allegedly.

Sat stated:

I really don't care what happens to Bitcoin now. I'm cashed out, I've got rent control, and I get to play 'CCDC' to my heart's content. I've got Chinese delivery, and I re-invested everything in Doge, because that dawg's the future, yo. I should know. I can call 'em a mile away.

As a new tradition, 'Dr. Craig Wright' comes out once a year, and if he sees his shadow, there will be one more year of bear markets. But, will the world ever know?

This could actually happen. If it isn't true, the real Sat can come and defend himself.

Gordon Freeman Out.

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