Cryptofolks, we love you. Our dog loves you too, as we just bought him food from AMPL from the Ox (dawg is mad at Statera tanking, thinks the 0x shoulda stayed with FARM cuz chads n tractors!!!) May whatever god(s) y'all may or may not believe in keep you safe, well and surrounded by love amid the struggles. Let's pick up our vorpal swords and go galumphing into today's FT, shall we? 
The watchers know we are watching them, we ride for love and the greater good of fiat free humanity. It only LOOKS like the odds are against us, love WILL find a way.
Hey, in the obsolete print version of the FT, we see only ONE crypto story!! Here's the teaser, looks tasty
TLDR: the only crypto in this Big Read is in the teaser. Six, or even eight columns depending on how you count them, crypto in paragraph thirty in the last column. There, Coatue thinks big losses will spread through internet companies, deeper into fintech and crypto, finally hitting software and semiconductors.
That's it, h-ll that's all for crypto for the entire pink paper today. Freaky, cause all y'all know there are MASSIVE crypto stories right now. Biden is soon to sign the Chips and Science act, to create a new seat for a crypto/blockchain advisor. Dear readers remember laughing when the FDIC woke up and said Voyager accounts ain't FDIC insured. The FDIC issued a formal cease and desist letter to (whatever is left of) Voyager.
El Salvador's finance minister Alejandro is sticking to his guns: BTC is good & volcano bonds are still coming. Solana's Nirvana got hacked for 3-4 mm, 
NIRV snapped the dollar peg and crashed to 9 cents, etc etc news, news NEWS!!!! crypto news to GO!!
but not in the world's leading financial paper. Butkis. Jack. After conflating crypto with "biggest disappointments," no crypto, just the hope of more crypto crashes. PLENTY of tradfi crashes, mind ya. It's funny cause VC crashes can go down in silence, only forced to show up much later in "sporadic writedowns." Hence the all consuming desire for the FT to somehow tag crypto with that massive FUD.
Dear readers remember laughing at pumped up buy now pay later companies. Klarna not only loses nine figures in cash every other quarter, they also lost 39 billion in market cap. BNPL Affirm lost 87%. Block, formerly Square, lost 130 billion in market cap. Jeez, that's like 7x all the Terra there ever was ever. No wonder the FT wants to blame crypto somehow.
Hey, the FT led our crypto eyes into this mess, why stop now?? The Vision fund had no vision, lost 27 billion last year. Tiger Global piffed 17 billion. Chestnut time!! eleven figures here, eleven figures there, after a while, it adds up to real money. Ar ar ar ar feeling MUCH better now thanks.
Scooter builders Bird had three billion in market cap, h-ll they TOOK IN $900 million in investor funds! Now? worth $142 million. What's that, the mind boggles, >95% down? Why those are almost Statera or FARM numbers ROFL!! Except the markets never gave those chitcoins BILLIONs of dollars in faith, not even close to 10% worth. Ahahahahaha!! what's cooler, unstoppable distributed tech or one of too many scooter shops?? The Crazy Duuuuuude at least had a THOUGHT of a chance, those chitcoins coulda woulda shoulda paid the rent!!!
Hey, this mess makes crypto look pretty jaunty, huh? Thanks FT! clearly the headline editor hates crypto beyond space and time, but misery loves company, thanks for dragging us in!! Delivery boys Gopuff WILL go PIFF the 3.4 BILLION they raised, who cares? We feel a LOT better about crypto after these train wrecks.
That's it for the little PRINT readers. But we love y'all, and we have a free trial subscription, now in our dog's name, so here's the ONLINE FT crypto news too! The super scoop, ahead of the pack online only, real time news suitable to be processed by the bots watching the news wires, it's Forsage! 
Oh wait, that's been in the mighty mighty 0x for EVAH that's no scoop !! " publish0x forsage "isn't even a googlewhack. It is a one two one two ! A snickersnack!!!
TLDR: Skip the Forsage team fighting back - tho they are HILARIOUS! Vlad, Sergey, Mikahail Surgeev and YES! Lola Ferrari!! Dear readers know we love Ling-Ling as the crypto heist covergirl TLA forever, a part of us all wants to be on the beach with Ling Ling and the nine figures before caught. We won't print pics of the real (deceased) Lolo Ferrari. Not in the FT, but Forsage's lawyers say the regs are just noobs who don't understand crypto and bots. Crypto Crusaders influencers are going down with Forsage. Not in FT, but some influencers were pulling six figures. Dang ya coulda been a Ponzi crypto influencer!!
Let's get to how last July atomio NAILED Forsage as a scam. His TLDR is satellite clear, clean as light, and burning Forsage to the root. TWO YEARS AGO!! 
Skipping lol BadMLM torching Fosage on the omniscient 0x in Feb 2021.
So, what's the deal? Everyone knows Forsage is a scam?? spidey sense!! Just like atomio said, Forsage had no income other than new investments, they're a ponzi, but all MLM's are really, 300 MM aint much Ahh THERE it is. The SEC is prosecuting this as SECURITIES fraud. The whole MLM scam ran as smart contracts on Eth, Tron AND Binance, that's a juicy wide shotgun target for (dear readers remember) powermad Gary.
The CFTC is asleep at the wheel! Gary's firing off cases left right center !! Did your nanny's dogwalker not show one day this week after getting paid!?! THAT's CLEARLY securities fraud, call Gary!! CFTC yer losing the turf war, wakey wakey eggs n baccy!! There's a REAL wall street mf hyperactive control monkey on the SCENE. Gary first ran pinball and ciggie machines in Baltimore (ugh) with Dad, 
then became one of the youngest Goldman partners ever, did the first $4 billon NFL TV rights deal. Gary then RAN the CFTC, rewrote swaps rules, BUSTED Barclay for a half billion along with all Libor manipulators, whew!!
Those paying attention knew that the Libor rate setting bust was coming. We remember eons waiting for traders to "make their mark" so we could kick off the closing fixed income scripts. Heard traders say when asked, " Well what do you WANT the mark to be??" WTF was THAT.
SEC Gary has jacked Robin Hood for 70mm. He's banning order flow sale as Sammy Fried agrees should be done. Gary is everywhere - Rocket Mortgage, Gamestonk short squeeze. Ok he IS gonna take it all, he IS the new sheriff. Gary's an ultramarathoner, full professor at MIT, we are not worthy. On the other hand Gary messed with Elon, who claimed first amendment rights.
Gary's spokesperson Carol from the SEC says fraudsters can't evade by using smart contracts & blockchain.
Coinbase has a pretty good writeup, link below, but mentions folks cheering for the CFTC to win turf wars. Let the diesel Publish0x tell you, hear us now, heed us later, it's over. No one's beating Gary on a turf war. This case, the Coinbase case, all cases, Gary owns all your bases, how u like me now??
Which leads to THIS online only article:
TLDR:All evildoers need busting, including crypto ones. The coinbase case is, as dear reader know, all about declaring chitcoins as securities. But maybe we spoke too soon about the CFTC losing the power struggle. Rational congresswomen Kirsten and Cynthia are pushing a bill to give digital to the derivative team. Coinbase sez SEC is "regulating by enforcement" which is 100%. Former SEC counsel Nick says it's really NOT clear, e.g. SEC might lose as Coinbase was focused on avoiding securities all along.
Yeah, but Gary WILL sneak that underpowered SEC civil case through against the low rent tipsters, back door proving chitcoins are securities, won't he??
In other news in this online col, WTF? Scott SAYS ether is up 70%. Fireworks!! Print a correction without saying correction. only online, you (&$(!$&!!.
Some prof thinks the EU is remarkably fast at crafting crypto rules. Which is funny, as the next article below is about how remarkably bad those rules actually are LOL!!!
This article closes with a reminder about cryptojacking, which is like honeybee but you didn't even invite the bloatware in!! Crypto jacking is when hackers steal your CPU for mining. Lol they won't get much outta this antique mac air, honeybee et al melted one, but SonicWall says this crime will hit 100MM of mining theft in 2022. Most victims never know, otherwise it's sort of bad as ransomware!!
A good newsletter, one thank you !! Would have been two if not for the cheezy 70% correction.
Next: mystifying Mica regs!!
Last recent online crypto FT article is a guest bit from a dutch lawyer
TTTL, DR: Stablecoins fill a need. They should be fully backed. Stablecoins should be able to offer interest to survive, but that interest must be allowed to go negative when real rates go negative else collapse. . Incoming reghammer Mica forces positive interest in 2024. THAT's not gonna work !! Except if interest rates hang around zero. Therefore the market will have to evolve to somehow work around definitions. It's telling that one needs to circumvent Mica to design a stable stablecoin.
the Real story: long but made a funny!!! Sorry bout the too too long hack. Fascinating unintended consequences of questionably thought through regulations.
But but gee silly, honest free market rates are wrongthink in today's Orwellian world. Don't worry, moot point!! Interest rates are under PERFECT TOTAL CONTROLLL!!!
Still no pics of Lolo but that's OK. Wendy's reform school girls is a classic. We saw Wendy running around the WAY lower east side, like chinatown, a couple times, bless her rebel soul. We are all reform school girls in the eyes of the SEC. 
Two thank you's Nico!! We agree, CDBCs ain't gonna get it.
Congrats team we are all FT crypto snob analysts now, all caught up. Uffish thought over Mica, frabjous day for love on the Publish0x. Long time the manxome foe we sought, but only had to fire one and a half FU's thru the belt fed mortar this time, it was a good day, didn't have to use our AK.
Calloo! Callaaaay!! The hunting of the snark will continue forthwith! 
Peace, goodnight,
love
Dave
nah that was too twee. Here’s Lolo not in Sing. 
