I mentioned in my last post how I started to talk to The Biker Dude. Don’t worry, this guy wasn’t in a gang, he wasn’t criminal or had any mental illnesses. Strangely enough when I think of the other guys that I have dated. He was a decent man for once.

He was slightly older than me, which was new for me. But he had the same physical quality. The bear-like vibe, that I like, even if he was to the very heavy side. And the communication was fantastic. We clicked instantly.

He was working as operator in the medical sector, have had the same job for nearly 20 years, seemed to be both honest and reliable, in short … not what I was used to at that point.

When I was writing with The Soldier, I was blown away by the fact that he willingly showed me his Facebook account. With his real name and everything. That was so unexpected, and the Biker Dude went even further.

He took his bike for a ride the 2½ hours to visit me (or not at my home, we went for a walk in a nearby forest, and he didn’t even complain that I wasn’t inviting him home), and we had a wonderful time. We talked and laughed and had this really strange connection as if we had known each other for years. I went from that date with a feeling of being high because we connected that well.

He talked about his ex, who really had ripped his heart out, I talked about mine and the lies I had been subjected to, and when he came home, he sent me pictures of his home with him in it. Not because I asked him, but because he had listened to me. That was so sweet, and I was really touched by it.

The time that followed we talked almost every day on the phone, which became a bit too much for me. I am an introvert and 1–2-hour long telephone conversations every day, and sometimes even twice a day can drain me. Also, because he talks very fast and much. He was very intense, and I began to think that maybe he was too much for me. He also said as much himself, when he fell in love he was like an overly enthusiastic puppy, peeing on everything around him.

And as coincidence would have it, we actually DID know each other from before. During our conversations we found out that we had been hanging out the same summer when we were about 11-12 years old, in a stable with rental horses. Even if he was born and raised 2½ hours away from me. I kind of remember him, and he does the same, so that was fun.

Then he came visit me, and there it became clear to me that even if we had this fantastic mental connection, we were sexually very much different. For example, he liked to hold me in his arms and asked me to call him daddy. I had to tell him when I was about to come and other “fun” things, that was a complete turnoff. I might have some daddy issues, when I look at the type of guys I feel attracted to, but not that much. And … his … ehm … tool … only worked for very short periods of time. That was new to me. The Bodyguard had no problem in that regard, but to the Bikers defense … we had the whole chlamydia thing going on and were constantly calculating the abstinence periods with first my tests, then his.

I visited him one time after in his apartment, but it was the same. Sexually we were far from aligned, but mentally we were just great. And I said this to him. It was our third date, and I felt I needed to have clear lines. I said that I thought he was a very sympathetic man and that I was fond of him, but I didn’t not feel that spark, that I knew had to be there. And thankfully he totally agreed.

We also agreed that it was way too early for any of us to fall in love again. His breakup had also been very hard, and he had a suspicion that his ex had borderline, because she had acted very irrational, so afterwards we bonded over our breakups, and had many conversations about our feelings and where we were in our development after our breakups.

We followed each other and step by step in our healing processes, and with the talks we had, we actually helped each other moving forward. We talked about our feelings, the dates we had been on (he had significantly more dates than I, he really went out and experimented. Some of HIS tales … oh man!) and we became friends.

We still are. We talk with each other every other day and write almost daily to each other. And I am going to invite him to my upcoming 50 year’s birthday. He is a good man, but he will never be MY man. Even if we made an agreement to get married if we still were singles when we get old and into bingo.

I would never in a million years have thought that I should find a friend from dating, but I have.

After him, I was beginning to wonder if I REALLY was ready for another relationship. Maybe I should re-consider going back to the sex-dating site. Just to pass the time until my heart was ready. And who knew, maybe THE ONE would be there as well. I was still of the conviction that I needed to put some experiences between me and the Bodyguard in order to heal.

But at the same time, I was continuing on Facebook Dating. Thinking that there HAD to be someone there who could catch my interest, even if I was extremely selective and swiped left constantly.

The ones who DID come through, I quickly discarded because of their communication skills. They didn’t do anything for me. I want to communicate, and I want to laugh, and I wanted somebody who got my sense of humor (which is weird, vulgar, dark and strange, so that is not an easy task).

In hindsight … it wasn’t fair for the men that I discarded or even went on first dates with. I was not ready, and they never stood a chance.

And like I have said before … the men on “normal” dating sites … they are often strange. They think they are so liberated and free, but they often are the opposite.

Anyway, I had set my parameters to include men between 41-49 and living maximum 1 hour away, which of course was pretty narrow, and eventually I DID finish Facebook dating.

Would you believe that? Facebook told to me that there were NO more men for me. Quite depressing, right? So, I ended up making a profile on the same old sex-dating-site again, which was fun, because there were MANY of the old-timers there from my last period, and it was fun hearing what they have been up to. More about that later.

But I continued to be on Facebook Dating, because from time to time, some new profile popped up. Or somebody who sent me a like, even if I had filtered them away.

And then something happened. This guy liked me, I looked at the photo of him and thought he was absolutely adorable. Dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, very handsome and cute. But WAY too young. And he was also living 1½ hour away from me. What is it with me and distance? And why did I attract these young men?

I wasn’t going there again! I HAD done the youngsters. I HAD been there. It was no good, and it would lead to nothing else than a bad experience and/or a waste of time. I knew from experience that the total young ones don’t have a clue of what they are doing.

Besides … he was 31 for God’s sake! I was about to turn 49 in a moment.

But damn, he was cute. And you know me by now: I am kind of dysfunctional and cougarish. 😉

I was very much in doubt with what to do. On the one hand I wanted a relationship again. I wanted the connection with a man, I wanted to fall in love again, I wanted the continuant conversations, the development in the sexual aspect, where we just continued to learn about our bodies in connection. I wanted a man who had a similar drive than me. And somebody who enjoyed the physical part of a relationship as much as I did, as well as the emotionally. I wanted somebody who would allow me to love him, because I knew now that I had loads of love to give. I wanted it all.

But I knew I wasn’t ready in my heart. I was still having short message-conversations with The Bodyguard from time to time, where I would write to him, or him to me, and even if it step-by-step made me move forward, it also hurt every time.

I hadn’t entirely closed that door yet. I was still coming to terms with my own stupidity and the heartache, so maybe a fling with a young man would be okay? Maybe he could be some kind of rebound-FWB and he really WAS charming and fun.

So why not … ?

Thumbnail picture from Couleur from Pixabay