National Guardsmen wondering where they will sleep tonight. Photo by Ian Hutchinson

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden signed an executive order to allocate funds for luxury sleeping bags, pillows, and snacks to throw what President Biden claims will be “the best damn slumber party ever,” for the National Guardsmen at the Capitol.  

Executive Order 13994 allocates $3M for snacks, gaming consoles, TVs, furniture, military-themed pajamas, and other provisions as an apology to the disrespected troops. The National Guard congratulates the move and is “really stoked” for the slumber party. 

“I’m super excited, honestly. The kid in me is so excited to eat smores and play video games all night with my brothers and sisters in the Guard. I’m most excited about the pillow fights. I’m the king of pillow fights,” Lieutenant Michael Aranda told The Dingo. 

The order comes after thousands of Guardsmen deployed to Washington, D.C. to protect the Capitol ahead of President Biden’s inauguration were ordered out of the state building by Capitol Police last Thursday. The troops spent hours in parking garages without beds, heat, or basic furnishings. Capitol Police contest reports that they ordered the Guardsmen out. 

“I was astonished. I felt so dishonored and humiliated to spend my time in a parking garage. We deserve better than this,” says Jennifer Landa, one of the Guardsmen who spent hours in a cold, dank garage. 

The Biden administration will release more orders next week. The President made this order a priority. 

“We can’t allow such flagrant disrespect of our serviceman and servicewoman to go unchecked. This executive order ensures these brave men and women receive a well-deserved apology. This incident should never have occurred, and we will investigate what happened. As for now, I look forward to the slumber party and fully embrace my title as ‘Sleepy Joe Biden,’ though I don’t expect there will be much sleeping with all the pop drinking and partying,” President Biden told The Dingo. 

Please consider donating if you like this article https://ko-fi.com/socraticdingo