Intuition versus fear, which I wrote about last time, requires a capacity many of us underestimate: tolerating uncertainty. Being able to sit with an I don't know, with a maybe, with a reality that is neither entirely good nor entirely bad. And precisely this capacity is best practised when working with the most frequent saboteur of clear thinking in relationships: the tendency towards black and white.

Dichotomous thinking, or all-or-nothing thinking, is one of the most documented and widespread cognitive patterns. It is present in all people, to varying degrees, but in periods of stress or emotional threat it becomes dominant. And in relationships, where vulnerability is at its peak, its effects are visible and costly.

What is black and white thinking? It is the tendency to classify people, situations, and yourself into extreme categories, with no room for nuance. The relationship is either perfect or a disaster. The partner is either ideal or toxic. One mistake means everything is lost. One good moment means everything is resolved. You are either a good partner or a complete failure.

There is no grey. No both and. No somewhat or depending on context. Only the extremes exist, and the transition from one to the other can be instantaneous.

Where does this tendency come from? From several overlapping sources.

The first is biological. The human brain is built to detect threats quickly and respond promptly. Nuance is slow. Extremes are fast. The limbic system, the brain's emotional centre, functions in terms of safe or dangerous, not in percentages of risk. When emotions are intense, the limbic system takes over and nuanced thinking, which is a product of the prefrontal cortex, decreases significantly.

The second is early experiences. Children who grew up in unpredictable or extreme environments, in which things were either good or catastrophic, in which the parent was either loving or threatening, learn that the world operates in extremes. Nuance was a luxury the environment did not offer.

The third is culture. Social media, news, and public discourse are built on extremes. Outrage and euphoria, not reflection and nuance. We constantly absorb a model of dichotomous thinking that we consider normal precisely because it is omnipresent.

How does dichotomous thinking manifest in relationships? In ways that produce genuine suffering.

Idealisation followed by devaluation. At the beginning, the partner is perfect, without faults, exactly what you wanted. At the first sign of disappointment, the image collapses and the other suddenly becomes completely flawed. There is no gradual transition, only the jump from one extreme to the other.

Catastrophising conflicts. An argument is not an argument. It is a sign that the relationship is doomed. A problem is not a problem to be solved. It is proof that you are incompatible. Every difficulty takes on the weight of the entire relationship.

Extreme self-judgement. You reacted badly once? You are a terrible partner. You forgot something important? You are selfish and uncaring. There is no context, no proportion, no recognition that a moment is a moment, not evidence about who you are in totality.

How do you work with dichotomous thinking? Not by eliminating it, but by deliberately introducing nuance.

The first practice is the question: how true is this on a scale of one to ten? If the mind says everything is lost, ask how lost, genuinely. Forcing a numerical score automatically introduces nuance.

The second is searching for counter-evidence. If the thought is my partner never respects me, actively look for moments when they did. Not to deny what you feel, but to complete the picture.

The third is tolerating ambivalence. Being able to say I love them and they sometimes deeply frustrate me. That the relationship is valuable and that certain aspects are not working. That the person is good and that the specific behaviour was inappropriate. Both and, not either or.

Nuance is not weakness or lack of clarity. It is cognitive and emotional maturity. It is the capacity to hold complex truths simultaneously, without needing to simplify them to the point of distortion.

And in relationships, nuance is what allows people and connections to be treated as what they truly are: complicated, contradictory, valuable in their imperfection.

Think of a recent situation in your relationship in which you thought in extremes. How would the situation look if you introduced the grey scale? What nuances would you miss if you remained in black and white?