**Warning** This post will talk about Mental Health, Self-harm, Religion and various topics that some might find triggering. If that is you please do not read any further. Don't scroll down and tip, Don't scroll down and comment or thumbs up. Your health is more important than me getting likes on the internet. I did not write this article lightly or jokingly.

I am a white male in my early 30's, born and raised in middle class America. In that sentence I already have a lot of things going for me that others do not. I understand that I was born more privileged then most. That is the world we live in and it sucks but I do not take those advantages for granted, at least anymore. Thankfully my family has not had many issues with mental health or self harm if any. I am sure there has been but none that have been blatantly obvious to us or even talked about. It wasn't until I started my own family and the years went on that Mental Health became more prevalent. People very close to me have some level of anxiety, depression, nervousness, etc. I however never attached those labels to me. I mean why would I? I was a husband, a father, worked in a great job, have hobbies I enjoy, I have a family that loves me. What could be so wrong with my life that I need to seek medical help to fix? What could be so wrong that I need to take pills to fix?

Some of you may or may not know that I have been Vegan for the past 5 years. It's nothing that I shout out on the rooftops. It is also not a closely guarded secret either. If it comes up in conversation I will talk about it but I never wanted to be 'preachy' about it. I grew up in a very religious home. Christianity was all I knew growing up. I went to a private elementary school and a private high school. The ironic part of that is that I first learned to judge people from attending Church. There were sinners and believers and we (Christians) were supposed to bring people over to Christianity. It always seemed odd to me.

If someone was to come up to you and tell you that you are going to hell when you die and basically everything after this life is going to suck so bad that you should dedicate yourself to a dead person so you don't have to go through that. What would you say? I know what I would say and it's not very nice. As a kid I always thought the way to 'convert' people was not to tell them how their lives are so bad and what they are doing is wrong, but to show by example. Like be the better person, be the bigger man and let people see how things do not effect you or take you off balance and when they come around to you and ask why that is then you can tell them.

Spring forward to 2022 and some things have happened in my life that have changed. Things that I didn't think would have ever happened. Now I am not going to go into specifics for reasons I won't mention but everyone is safe and fine. It is more so moral changes have been happening in my family. It was something that came as a great surprise to me and something that I have been trying to deal with for some time now. I am lost in it.

Over the past couple of days I have found myself wondering and imagining IF I was to end my life how would I do it? (Please hear me everyone, I am not going to and I would never but the way my brain works is that I think about weird things like this and imagine the outcomes) I started to play out scenarios in my head, again for obvious reasons I am not going to list out the ways here. I then started to realize that if it happens certain ways then my family would not get all my life insurance for "accidental life and dismemberment" so I came up with new ideas to trick the coroners into thinking it would have been an accident. I know it's messed up but welcome to my brain. 

After coming up with numerous ways and moving past that I began to realize that this was not the first time I thought about it. There have been times in the past where my brain has run amuck and I have theorized how to do it. This got me thinking, why do I keep coming back to these thoughts? My life is not that bad where I can't get out of the 'mess' I am in now. People have endured so much more in their lives and can thrive after it. But what is interesting is that this time I started to think about something I learned back in High School. In the Catholic religion (I grew up protestant) when someone commits suicide they are not allowed into Heaven. If I remember correctly it has something to do with taking life into your own hands and playing God and it's the only unforgiveable sin because well you are not alive anymore to repent for it. People have always said too that people who commit suicide are cowards. That has stuck with me for a while.

I don't see it that way. I remember when Chester Benington took his own life in 2017 because it shook me to the core. Chester was an idol growing up. Linkin Park was my favorite band and I could relate to their songs. In Linkin Park's last album before he passed there were so many songs that just sounded like Chester calling out for help. People knew he had his demons and I am sure people were trying to help but it must have gotten to a point where enough was enough and he couldn't stand it anymore. He would have known he was leaving behind a wife and 6 kids. We would have known that Linkin Park would effectively be done when he passed away. There must have been a lot weighing on his shoulders when he made that decision.

I can understand that now. But what is new to my life this time around is that I started to think about the kids who would self-harm themselves back in high school. The kids who had scars running along their arms or legs. It was something I never understood them either but now I get it. I caught myself thinking that I could make a small cut in a inconspicuous place to "feel" again. I know people cut themselves because it releases endorphins I believe and helps them "feel something" in that moment. What is odd is that I started to correlate that to people who drink to numb the pain. It's the same but just opposites. One person doesn't want to feel anymore and the other wants to feel again. However in our society drinking is normal and accepted but cutting themselves is shunned.

My own problems I think stem from that besides my immediate family I don't really have any friends. So when things pop up in my life I can only really talk to my family about it. However when the issue that comes up is with that same family there is no one I have that I can talk to. Now I know, me not having any friends was my own doing and I don't regret it. They were unhealthy relationships and I am better off with out it even if that leaves me to stew on my thoughts.

I write all of this not to get sympathy from you all or to get fake internet points. I write this post to purely get this off my chest and to tell somebody. You all have now become my friends. The Crypto community is welcome and open to all. You all have been a positive influence in my life and that does not go unnoticed. I recently posted a long post on Reddit and the amount of pure hatred I received was mind blowing. It brought me right back to the judgement I saw and did myself when I was first understanding religion. No one is better then another person. No one was the right to put other people down when they are trying to do their best. Everyone is on their own journey and we need to respect that and learn from one another.

I needed to write this down. I needed to tell someone, anyone, that I am going through some shit and it sucks. My resting heart rate is normally 54 and this past week it has been 85. That tells me that something is wrong within my body. I have also noticed my left eyelids start to twitch uncontrollably when I am stressed. And that has been happening this past week. There are many other signs that my body is trying to tell me that it is not okay. I do not think that I need to talk to a therapist about this but again I understand why people do need that. I don't think that I need to see a doctor to get meds but I again see why people do need that. 

For so long I never understood Mental Health and how important it is. But after seeing how much something happening in life can alter my body and it's normal functions, I get it now. I can no longer judge people who have these issues. I can however sympathize with them and sort of relate to it. This world is a rough place and it can be so much harder because of the people we interact with. Just show each other love and compassion and this world will be a better place.

**If you comment something mean or hateful or rude. I will delete your comment and block you. Don't be an asshole. You do have the right to disagree respectfully of course though**

*Update* I love you guys. I wrote this article while still feeling a lot a things. I didn't think twice about writing it because I know the people that follow me and comment on my posts seemed to be good humans. And I was proven right. The people who commented below or reached out to me in other ways means the world. I think the last 5 days were my lowest point but I am starting to get back on a upward trend now (Saturday June 25th). Love you all!