Not True Funny News That Should Be
Hallmark and SyFy Join Forces to Launch New Channel: FutureMark (not to be confused with any actual real 'anything' of the same name).
Hallmark is from Venus, SyFy is from Mars, and there may be a crossover in there somewhere, but historically couples around the globe show their love for one another by suffering through the most generic of cliche adventures on these respective channels.
At the meat-and-potatoes center of each network is it's demographic-driven narrative, and it is rare that either channel strays too far.
With Hallmark, we typically have the female protagonist who has left their small town to pursue their dream career, when a life altering event summons them to return to their small town. They re-discover a flame from their past, uncover a solution to the plot's central point of tension, and realize that love and family matter more than ambition, and everyone lives happily ever after.
On SyFy, there is a slightly wider net, but what really puts the network on the map is a combination of over-the-top B-Movie natural disaster flicks that are as improbable as they are campy, added to the expected zombie apocalypse and occasionally something with William Shatner.
While it's almost always Christmas in July to the one, and killer sharks from outer space to the other, two heads prevail as a perfect blending together of styles, bringing couples together for a genre meld that they can finally enjoy together.
The new venture explains that they considered the name HellMark, but felt that it ran the risk of alienating too much of their cozy small town vision.
Imagine sitting down with the proverbial bowl of popcorn, the scene fades in with light tip-toeing music to the scene of a town with colored lights and gingerbread men, carolers and cgi snowflakes. Suddenly, the family farm is ravaged by flesh eating zombies who have been sent by the greedy Monsanto Corporation to force the small town to sell its property for giant U.N. co-op GMO crops.
Jane gets an urgent call from her sister back home, saying that she has to make it home for Christmas, because the family farm won't see another season. Jane says goodbye to her Editor as she turns in a lack-luster article about using proper corona virus hygiene when hanging ornaments, that is hardly a reflection of her impressive grades from journalism school.
Back home, old flame Chad hears that Jane is headed home, but like all of the towns-people, he's learning his way through the ins and outs of zombie holiday etiquette. Are they the fast ones or the slow kind? Do they tear off your head, or bite their way slowly through your flesh? The soundtrack becomes a bit darker and menacing, but it's okay because soon enough, we transition to the cookie-baking scene, where family reflects on how things were on the farm when Grandad was still around and the smell of cocoa is easy to imagine filling the air.
The montage scene is a glimpse into FutureMark's brilliant new dark-fi-dramedy style adapted specifically for their new network, where cutting ribbons contrasts with slashing throats, opening presents to tearing open a chest cavity, an axe lowered to chop wood for the fire in a romantic gesture of manhood is set upon a backdrop of Chad taking a head clear off a zombie with a wack from the shovel, all set to light jazz adaptations of traditional Christmas songs.
Most original productions are likely to end with Jane and Chad rekindling their flame, but only after Chad incorrectly overhears a phone call from Jane about leaving to go back to the big bad city. Chad doesn't hear the part of the conversation where Jane finds out the zombies have arrived in NYC and her magazine no longer exists.
We discover that zombies can be defeated by stabbing them in the heart with smores on a stake, and all is peaceful in Christmas town once again.
Look for FutureMark releases coming soon, including such soon-to-be classics:
Scrooge Conquers the Sharkzombie
Hot Cider and Meteors
The Aliens Stole my Wrapping Paper
Kiss Me Before the Storm
Highly Improbable: The Spock and Dianna Love Story
Little Towns, Killer Klowns
Rudolph the Red Nos-feratu
Tinyville 2055: New World Order
The Evergreen Space Odyssey
Hurricane Sharks Saved My Wedding
Fashion Designer Astronauts In Love
Multiverse Moms Home for the Holidays
Old Tyme Christmas Time Travellers
With an aggressive release schedule, FutureMark is only expected to have their first 70 new releases ready for their launch, just in time for the holidays!
... and with absolutely nothing to do with crypto, this is Gordon Freeman out.
