Thoughts that consume every aspect of my being till I feel an uncontrollable impulse, one day it will get the better of me! I can’t say I care to fight it any longer for having a “death wish” as some would say has enabled me to do things others shy away from.... I suppose you could say I am waiting for my opportunity to go out with a bang!
Though I don’t always speak of it, the feeling is relentless! Through writing I have managed to cope with it though never truly going away I try not to project a message of concern yet I know I will not be leaving this world of natural causes. That doesn’t mean I am giving up, not in the slightest!
I am a warrior waiting for an opportunity to strike in which this ongoing pandemic has presented one. So here I am rising to the challenge when others are hiding at home my impulse has brought me to the front lines... I wonder sometimes what kind of person is required to rise to the occasion? A person whom values their own wellbeing less then that of those they care for? Does that not make every last one of us suffering simply a warrior without a war? Say mental illness was infectious, I doubt even at your worst you would knowingly let your fellow human catch what you struggle with!
I want to believe that I do it for the benefit of others but I know deep down it’s really about the destruction of myself. I push the message of self empowerment yet I also realize that this feeling we must care has no cure and everyone tires eventually. The real message is to make the most of what moments we have as we all loose the battle of time eventually. What choice do we have as sufferers but to use our self-torment for the benefit of others or be consumed by it? At least when I find some use for the torment, I will inevitably put myself through, in return I gain a form of fulfilment and when directing it accordingly earnings which relates to freedom to experience what I wish before the end.
So here I am, using my training and skills to the best of my ability. Putting myself at risk so hopefully a few lives can be saved but that isn’t my real intentions. I see an opportunity to simultaneously fulfill my self-torment while being able to get further ahead in the journey towards financial freedom... but what’s the point if I plan to leave?
“Why Bother” I often hear my subconscious screaming followed by “Who Cares” to which I can thank the answers to a promise of dead man, Tristan Watterworth. My best buddy and I promised to never take our own lives but what we did not promise is to not die in the line of duty. He took his life “accidentally”, broke his promise yet I suspect he knew that would tie me to mine. His sacrifice has lead me out of the darkness in a way through this very thing I am doing now, creation!
Creation is therapy and I wish to share that with as many lost souls as I can for maybe one of them is like me... a warrior simply lost in a world without a clearly defined battle wondering what duty they are to die in the name of.
Yes, I have a death wish. That does not make me self destructive....
