It's been two weeks since our niece passed away and two weeks since my husband's family has had the worst day of their lives.  I still feel helpless with respect to how to help my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and my nephew.  Other than feed them, distract them, and leave them alone when requested, there isn't much to do. We've purchased some memorial items for them to keep as a reminder of her, and some things to hand out at the memorial gatherings that have been planned. Since my niece lived in another state, two memorial gatherings will happen.  One where we live and one where she lived. There is a month span between the two gatherings as well. 

We were all very relieved to learn that my niece did die of natural causes. There was an autopsy and there was a reason for her passing.  There is zero conspiracy in her passing. Just sadness and disbelief that a one in ten million thing (yes those were the odds) happened to her. 

This feeling of helplessness and needing to do something prompted me to invite her mom, who is my sister-in-law, out for coffee and breakfast this week. I wanted to offer her a distraction if she wanted one. We used to do this weekly before I started my diet, and I begged off once I started dieting because I didn't want the temptation of calories.  Our local diner, the place to go, had very few low-cal options. I knew if I went I would be eating some calories for breakfast. Yes, I could have avoided many of those calories and made some healthier substitutions, but since I was ice skating that day, I figured I had a little breathing room. Also, I planned to eat an omelet and a biscuit, which I didn't think was too bad. I told myself that some things are worth taking a calorie hit. Being a supportive sister-in-law and the tasty homemade biscuits at the diner were definitely worth it. 

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I'm so glad we went. Within a few minutes, it became clear she wanted to talk to someone other than just her husband. She is very close to all her sisters but most of them work during the day, so they were not as available as I was.  I also know all the people involved in the situations she's dealing with, so there is not a lot of explaining of who this person or that person is.  

I have to say that I admire her strength. She has reached a certain peace about her daughter's passing that I don't think I would have in her situation.  She had made sense of it, in her mind. She brought up a few things with respect to her daughter that I was skeptical about and questioned in my head, but I nodded and kept silent, and sat and listened while she talked about how she felt and talked about all the things she has had to deal with, is currently dealing with and what is left to deal with.  

I must say that I did not expect to feel anything other than compassion, sorrow and sadness for her. I was shocked that I found myself thinking "is that really true because I thought it was this?...."  I found myself wanting to question what she was telling me about a few things. I ignored that impulse, believe me. The woman had just lost her daughter, unexpectedly, for God's sake.  How could I even want to make truth an issue when she had found a way to make some sort of minimal peace with her daughter's passing? I was there to help her get through that. What the hell is wrong with me? I was not expecting these thoughts... at.... all.  I felt ashamed my brain even decided that the truth, or rather the truth as I saw it, was so important in this situation.  I was very uncomfortable with my own thoughts, and my need to be 'right' even rearing its ugly head.  Especially when I knew in my heart that was irrelevant.

Maybe that is how I was processing my grief and loss. To seek the truth of the person who passed, and embrace it, no matter what. Maybe that is what I needed for me, to handle my sense of loss. I'd like to believe it was something like that.

I could not let go of the shame I felt about having these thoughts, so I decided to talk about this with my sister, who can be a font of wisdom and clarity for me. She reminded me of a few things. 

My job was to connect with my sister-in-law, so that she felt loved and supported. Connection is about listening to people, it's not a truth-seeking endeavor. It's not about controlling the narrative of the conversation, either.  Connecting with people does not always involve you getting what you need out of that connection. Also, perception and perspective become reality. Two people can perceive two events as totally different happenings because of their perspective. These are all things I needed to be reminded of, even though I knew them already.  Her perspective was what she needed to get through the most horrendous event in her life. There was no need for anyone to try and change it, if it was working for her, which it was.

I think I struggle with this because I am a logical rule-follower type of person. I suppose that's why I became an accountant. Rules. Rules. Rules. And numbers don't lie.  I'm good with black and white, Gray makes me uncomfortable. 

I once had a colleague who became my mentor when I went back to work full time after being a stay-at-home mom for almost 20 years. She was younger than me but had a lot of wisdom about surviving our professional world. She became a good friend who got me through the extremely steep learning curve of a small, public accounting firm, whose training plan was to throw you in the deep end of the pool and make you swim to survive.  There was one piece of advice this young woman gave me that I never forgot:  "You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable." That pretty much summed up my first few years in public accounting. It doesn't get more comfortable; you just get used to being uncomfortable. 

These days, despite my advanced years, I think being uncomfortable is a good thing. It means we are stepping outside our box to do something challenging, whether it's professionally, personally, physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally.  We are trying to embrace something new or new-ish. That implies growth and progress. Good things. Healthy things. 

I was going to try and tie this post to losing weight, but I don't need to. Anything we do that helps us to understand and improve the relationships we have in our lives, will help us to become healthier people going forward. Losing weight is so much more complicated than 'eating less' or not eating certain foods. It's about how food has become a tool or crutch to handle the emotional bullshit that crosses our paths every day. It's about not being able to seek the comfort of others through connection, and instead, substituting connecting with people by connecting with food. Unfortunately, some people never figure out that connecting with food is an empty connection at best, and a complete let-down at its worst.  

Taking stock of today:

Stayed below my daily calorie allowance. (Brought my own food to a family dinner to avoid eating pasta).

Did 65 minutes of cardio on the elliptical machine at the gym.

And because I didn't post yesterday:

Yesterday:

Stayed below my daily calorie allowance.

Did one hour and thirty minutes of strength training at the gym... and carried some logs from a downed tree we had to chop up.

(photo courtesy of Lisa Fotios)