I was going to call this article "Sometimes it's just fun..." but then, with little idea what I was going to write, it took a different turn...
One of the things I have been doing in recent weeks is reflecting a lot of my past. The fact is that the past and experience make each and everyone of us the way we are - for good or bad. One of the things that prompted this kind of thinking happened a few months ago.
I had posted about how my childhood home had come up for sale and while I made some rose-tinted observations I also said unequivocally that I would buy the house "yesterday" if I could. As well as sharing on here I shared the post with some family members and my sister-in-law (wife of my brother) commented that I should be looking forwards and not backwards.
With having two small children, who I have recently re-labelled Older_Rah and Younger_Rah (then their nicknames won't expire), I can totally buy her point. Their lives have hardly started and I am looking backwards instead of forwards.
What she fails to understand is the sum of what my life has become. Any of my regular readers will recognise that in recent times I have been struggling and while I have not posted much on it in recent times it doesn't change that fact that nothing has changed.
Well that is not quite true. I have received a diagnosis and have some idea of what I am dealing with...
... but what hasn't changed is that every single day is the same s**tshow. A fight over nothing; Mama_Rah picking fights when it was just supposed to be a conversation. Hostility to almost everything I do and say. I am not saying I get it right all the time - far from it - but to some extent we need to look at intention with a bit of grace and give the benefit of the doubt.
With things so fragile, including my mental state (and probably Mama_Rah's too) do you really thing I would be stupid enough to deliberately cause even more conflict.
I must say, that in the last week or so things have been a bit more settled, with only three moments - two of which were my fault. But each time I try to be positive, I actually told a friend about this and within an hour she started again.
This is my life and my reality and however much I try to lift myself out of the mire it just sucks me right back in.
Concerning Mama_Rah, and I can't say much here, but I have hope because when she first started taking some meds, she - that lovely woman who I fell in love with - came back to me and everything changed to how it should be. My hope is that if we both get ourselves sorted out then the path might just be a bit brighter for us and the boys.
It has to be, because the alternative is that I will lose everything and most damningly daily access to the boys when I am no more to blame than Mama_Rah. Please notice I am not saying I am not in part responsible but when there is blame on both sides and there are children involved, mum "winning" is simply not fair. I will simply not be able to afford to live nearby and that will bring my world to an end.
On that note, and as always stay safe and well my friends.
