I have told the tale about the Bodyguard of the last 5 episodes. That’s a lot, but it also had a great impact on me. Sorry, if I have bored you.

As I have previously mentioned, I don’t think that the way to get over a heartbreak is to sit and feel sorry for yourself. Of course, you are allowed to have a mourning period, and I did have this. Actually, I already started to mourn the end of the relationship mid-December, because I knew in my heart that I had to end it.

In the beginning of January, I called in one my old FWB’s. Not Loco, but a guy that I have not mentioned up to now, because … The shame … what will you think of me? But then I remembered that I don’t know any of you, and that I initially decided to tell the truth in these chronicles, so what the he**.

In my first single-period I talked to a Croatian man who was … how to describe him … he was charming and cheeky as hell. We started writing together back when I was hospitalized, so we had known each other for an entire year. And he went totally through my defenses, even if I should have rejected him for several reasons. Not that I was ever close to fall in love with him, but I enjoyed his personality. First of all, he was married. His wife had (or maybe she doesn’t, men tell all kinds of lies to get laid – can you hear me get bitchier with each blog post? 😉) Fibromyalgia and had so for about 10 years, and it got worse every year. Hence the thoughts I had in an earlier blogpost, when is it okay to cheat on your partner?

But that was not my concern. It was HIS decision to cheat, not mine. And I didn’t know until some dates into our “relationship”. Secondly, he had been a criminal. Smuggled drugs and weapons and were part of a criminal network. He said that he had left this life many years ago, but as far as I know, you can’t leave those organizations. Anyway, he said that he had done this while he was young, but after he got children, he gave it up. Hmhmmm.

I don’t know if I believed him, but it was some very interesting tales that he told, and I was as usually intrigued. At some point curiosity will definitely kill this particular cat.

Like I said, he was charming as hell, and he made me laugh. We had some fun times and when I started the relationship with the Bodyguard, he of course just accepted it, and we wrote together from time to time during my relationship. He wanted to keep our friendship, even if we weren’t able to hook up. And we did stay in touch, just checking out how life was treating us. It was fine, during my relationship with the Bodyguard I never once considered to be unfaithful. Not even when I suspected that the Bodyguard was lying to me. That’s not my nature, even whatever ulterior motive The Croatian Guy might have had.

I don’t do jealousy, because if you or your partner WANTS to be unfaithful, there are endless opportunities to be so. It is an active decision to be unfaithful, and no amount of control or jealousy can prevent that. You have to choose each other. Always. And the day you don’t choose each other anymore, say it out loud and end it or make other arrangements.

In the beginning of January, I had ended it with the Bodyguard, even if I later found out that he thought we were on a break (Insert Ross and Rachel argument here). So, when Croatian Guy wrote to me one lonely evening, where I again was sitting and trying to make sense of the stories I was told, I asked him to come over. I felt sorry for myself, I was angry, and I felt revengeful. If the Bodyguard could treat me like shit, then I could do the same to him.

Strange, I HAD ended it, but the first time with Croatian Guy, I used it to get even with the Bodyguard, even if he didn’t know about it.

I did see the Croatian Guy a couple of times during January and beginning of February, but it didn’t really give me any joy. I missed the lovemaking instead of the “colder” sex. I missed somebody to cuddle into, and Croatian Guy would never fulfill my need. Also … he was to the slim side, and I like my man to be bigger. I want some meat on a man, there is no fun in hugging a skeleton. 😉

So … I thought about it and made a dating profile on Facebook Dating. I didn’t want to go out in the sex dating game again because I wanted more. I wanted a boyfriend. I knew that now. Not a “move-in-boyfriend”, but I wanted a meaningful relationship, with somebody who was trustworthy. Who would let me love him, and who loved me. Somebody I could be there for, and who would be there for me. A NORMAL relationship.

But at the same time, I knew that I wasn’t ready mentally. My heart was still broken, and I missed that big, lying fool (or at least the idea of him), so I also knew that I had to go through some dates before my heart was ready for somebody new.

On Facebook dating I was not anonymous, which really bugged me, but I tried it anyway. I actually deleted it a couple of times but came back again. Just to sit and feel sorry for myself, wouldn’t help me.

And I was overly critical. I knew that. I knew that I wasn’t ready, I noticed that the types who eventually were swiped right, were clones of the Bodyguard, and at that point it probably couldn’t have been differently.

Then this guy pops up. A soldier from a city 2½ hour away from me. About 7 years younger (of course). Nice looking, half Indonesian, half Danish, big and with a bear quality about him. (Yes, I know). We went on a date in a town midway and had a wonderful time. We instantly connected intellectually, went for a long walk, even had dinner together (despite previous intentions of never doing a dinner-date again), and kissed at the end of the date. And he was good at it, so … yes, I agreed to drive to his hometown to visit him a week later.

I had a plan B, if the Soldier-date didn’t go that well. The Soldier lived in the vicinity of the same town as The Bodyguard supposedly lived in.

So, I visited the soldier, and it was fun and he was really pleasant to be with. Until we got to the sex part … that was just … lousy. I mean … first of all he kept his oldtimer-tanktop on and he didn’t even remove his glasses! Besides … he tried to slip it in somewhere we hadn’t agreed on, so no … he was not for me. At all.

As soon as possible I hurried away from his apartment. But that night a great storm was about to hit Denmark, so I had partly expected that I had to find a hotel for the night. I didn’t want to drive home in the rainy dark weather, risking being hit by a tree.

While in the hotel I wrote to the Bodyguard and said that I was about 15-20 km away from him. I wanted to see his reaction, and “funnily enough” he of course had a reason for me not visiting. I knew that but wanted to test him. Another nail in the coffin with the remains of the relationship.

So, the soldier wasn’t for me. That was clear. And good riddance, because he lived so far away, but it was a date. It was a start. I was getting back up on the horse. Maybe I had to meet a lot of men before I was ready to feel love again, but I would at least try.

He must have felt the same way because the entire day after I did not hear from him. Then I wrote a polite text, saying that I didn’t think we should continue, and he never answered that.

And after the Soldier I started talking to a guy which I really connected with on writing. A biker who again lived 2½ hours away from me, just in the other direction. Apparently, I don’t do local men.

I had some other first dates in the meantime. I even had a date with sound-effect guy from a previous episode. We connected again in writing, went to a café and went for a walk, but he hadn’t lost his urge to make sound effects constantly. I even noticed the other guests, so I was totally clear for me, that he was not the one.

But the Biker Guy … We communicated so well from the absolute beginning, and we decided to go on a date. But before we had a chance to agree on a date, we talked about STD’s and I thought I better get tested, just to have a clean slate before I met anybody else.

And what do you know … the Croatian Guy had given me Chlamydia. Wasn’t that just fabulous? We were not protected, because … yeah … he just had his wife, and I only the Bodyguard, so …

And yes … I had to write to the soldier, telling him to get a test. And I wrote to the Croatian guy, who declared his innocence, but it could only be him. I was tested in the beginning of my relationship with the Bodyguard. Strange enough (can you hear the sarcasm dripping of the walls?), I never have heard from Croatian Guy after this. Even if he declared constantly that he would do anything for me, and wanted to maintain my friendship, even while I was dating the Bodyguard, because he valued my company so much. A**hole!

But my God … The shame …

Going to the doctor and letting her tell me, that it is mostly common between the 20–25-year old’s and then again amongst the 40–50-year old’s when they get divorced. Luckily, my doctor has a sense of humor, so we joked about it, but still …

Just great … it was not as bad as my mononucleosis, and it just took a short treatment and some abstinence, but dammit … was dating always going to be that difficult? Does everybody experience such things? No wonder I have heard so many bad things about dating.

And I could feel that I was getting more suspicious of men. Began to think the worst of them, and that is not my nature at all. I didn’t like my new attitude at all.