Rebuilding trust after betrayal, which I wrote about last time, is a process that requires conscious choice, not magic and not destiny arranging things. And precisely this tension, between what we expect to be given and what we must build, is the heart of today's subject: the soulmate myth and the consequences it produces in the real lives of real people.
The idea of a soulmate is seductive. That somewhere there is a person created specifically for you, that true love is recognised immediately and effortlessly, that if they are the right person everything will flow naturally, and that difficulties are a sign you chose wrong.
This narrative is almost omnipresent, in films, in music, in the way we talk about relationships. And it is almost entirely harmful.
Why is the soulmate myth problematic? Not because the idea of deep compatibility does not exist. There are people with whom you resonate more profoundly than with others. Not because chemistry and spontaneous attraction are not real. They are. But because the soulmate story creates expectations that sabotage any real relationship.
The first harmful effect is that it turns difficulties into signs of incompatibility. Every relationship, however good, produces friction, disappointments, flat periods, unresolved conflicts. If you believe a soulmate would never produce any of these things, you will interpret every difficulty as proof you are not with the right person. And so you either leave prematurely from relationships with real potential, or you remain in permanent search for something better, easier, more magical.
The second effect is that it places impossible pressure on a single person. The soulmate must be everything: best friend, perfect lover, life partner, the person who understands you without explanation, who accepts you completely and never disappoints you. No real person can be all of these things. And the partner who tries and inevitably fails is seen as insufficient, rather than as a human being.
The third effect is that it reduces the relationship to something you find, not something you build. If a soulmate exists and is on their way, you do not need to do much. You just need to recognise them. This passivity is the exact opposite of what healthy relationships produce.
What is partnership built day by day, compared to the soulmate myth?
It is repeated choice. You cannot choose a person once and consider the work done. You choose every morning, in every conflict, in every moment when it would be easier to withdraw. Real partnership is not a state. It is a practice.
It is progressive knowing. Not instantaneous recognition. People reveal themselves over time, under pressure, in moments of genuine vulnerability. Deep compatibility is not visible at the first or tenth meeting. It is built and discovered simultaneously.
It is tolerating differences without treating them as fatal flaws. Two people building a life together are not identical. They have different needs, different rhythms, different ways of processing. These differences are not obstacles to eliminate. They are realities to navigate.
It is active investment. Relationships that go well do not go well on their own. They go well because the people in them choose to nurture them, communicate, repair, remain curious about each other.
There is something I find more beautiful in built partnership than in the soulmate idea: it is genuinely yours. It was not given to you. You created it. And that gives it a dignity and a value that destiny cannot produce.
Robert Sternberg's research on the triangular theory of love shows that durable and satisfying relationships combine intimacy, passion, and commitment, and that commitment, the least romantic component, is the most predictive of long-term success.
Giving up the soulmate myth is not a loss. It is a liberation. It frees you to love a real person, with all their limitations, rather than waiting for a perfect one who will never come.
Think about the expectations you have or have had towards the relationship or your partner. How many of them come from the soulmate myth? And what would change if you replaced them with the conscious choice to build?
