Gratitude towards the flaws that make us human, which I wrote about last time, requires a certain gentleness towards oneself that is hardest to access precisely when it is most needed: in difficult periods. When you are ill, exhausted, grieving, in a relationship crisis, or in a period of major uncertainty, the standards you apply to yourself rarely decrease. Sometimes they increase. And precisely this gap, between what you can genuinely give and what you demand of yourself, is the source of unnecessary suffering layered on top of what already exists.
Today's subject is about recalibrating expectations of yourself in difficult periods, not as an abandonment of standards, but as honesty towards reality.
What happens to expectations in difficult periods? Usually, they do not adjust. They remain fixed at the level of a normal functioning period, perhaps even at the level of your best period. And when reality does not reach them, the conclusion drawn is rarely that the expectations were unrealistic. The conclusion is that you are insufficient.
This is one of the most frequent and most subtle forms of emotional self-harm. You do not strike yourself, you do not flee, you do not explode. You simply judge yourself by standards that no reasonable person would apply to anyone else in the same situation.
Why do we not adjust our expectations in hard periods? A few reasons worth understanding.
The first is that adjusting expectations seems like an excuse. If I lower my standards, am I not lying to myself that I cannot do more? Am I not becoming complacent? This fear is real, but it confuses two different things: temporary adjustment to reality and permanent abandonment of growth. The first is intelligent. The second is a problem. They are not the same.
The second is that high standards are tied to identity. If I define myself through a certain performance or a certain type of presence, any reduction of it feels like a loss of who I am. Accepting that I cannot function at the same level when exhausted or grieving feels like an identity concession, not a physiological reality.
The third is that we have no cultural models for functioning differently in different periods. The culture of productivity makes no distinction between a week when you have energy and one when you have gone through a loss. The implicit message is that constant performance is the norm and any deviation is failure.
What does realistic recalibration of expectations look like? It does not mean doing nothing. It means temporarily redefining what enough means.
If you normally function at eighty percent and are now at forty, enough means giving forty well, not giving eighty poorly or pushing to reach eighty and collapsing in the process.
Concretely, this might look like: telling your partner you do not have capacity for a deep conversation today, rather than ignoring them. Resting more without judging yourself for not being productive. Temporarily reducing social commitments without considering yourself a social failure. Accepting that the relationship is going through a flatter period without concluding it is over.
What does realistic recalibration produce in relationships? Effects both concrete and less visible.
The first is that it reduces the transfer of internal tension onto the partner. People who judge themselves harshly for not functioning at their own expected level are more irritable, less present, and harder to comfort by those around them. Gentleness towards oneself produces a calmer presence in the relationship, even in difficult periods.
The second is that it opens honest communication. If you recognise you are going through a period where you give less, you can say that to your partner. And this is a form of intimacy more valuable than perfect performance: being seen in difficulty and chosen regardless.
There is a simple criterion I sometimes use that helps: if a close friend described to me exactly the situation I am living and asked what I expect of myself, what would I tell them? Almost never would I tell them to give more. I would tell them to take care of themselves. To rest. That it is fine to be less for a while.
Why do I apply a different standard to the same person, who is me?
What is the expectation you are applying to yourself right now that no longer corresponds to what you can genuinely give in this period? And what would a day look like in which you accepted that enough is sufficient?
