My first ever kiss, aged 13, almost 14. The boy in question was beautiful, wanted by all the cool girls at school, and because I was not one of them and - he knew HIS (perceived at least) worth and my relative 'un', he told me not to, you know, tell anyone. I had had a few pretend, or innocent boyfriends by this time but had been too scared/not ready to kiss anyone ...but this boy, this boy caught my attentions...with his exaggerated Peacockesque ways and perhaps also, the fact that I knew he couldn't keep his eyes off me. I was caught between flattery (that he seemed to like me) and intrigue, in his seeming to be so confident. What must it be like to be so adored (by all the girls)? But no...I don't think I was wildly attracted to or taken by him. Perhaps this is why I didn't bat an eyelid when he suggested, as he pressed his Lynx Africa doused body up against mine behind the mobiles in our school field, that I speak nothing of what we were about to do. Perhaps it was just because all I could think was,

''just kiss me!!! I need to know what it feels like...to touch mouths like this..."

He gently placed his hand on my breast (actually, I think it was quite roughly, but I'd like to imagine it was gentle), put his other hand on the back of my neck and looked me in the eye... I remember gulping deeply and then... immersion... oblivion... moisture, like I hadn't experienced before and a feeling of intense pleasure that reminded me of the nights I lay alone at night painting pretty pictures with my fingers, beneath the tapestries of my desire. Yes. In some ways, it was also my first sexual experience (with another), because it aroused me... although I don't quite think I saw it as that at that point. It was just too many things at once to feel and I couldn't name any of them. Lost for words indeed. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 16 and tbh that wasn't as arousing as that kiss and actually, it wasn't until many years into my 'sexual career' that I experienced that level of arousal again... Shame he was too ashamed to be associated with someone like me; uncool, undesirable, a bit of an oddball and a loner, because despite him obviously being a major douchebag (hindsight is a wonderful thing) because we did have that thing, that beyond reason thing that people is hard to pin down but so painfully obvious when it's not there; chemistry. It was fizzy and electric, I still remember the odd feeling when we would walk past each other in the corridor. A good mixture of hormones and pheromones I would imagine. Who knows exactly what that chemistry boils down to. It's not looks or wit or intellect or charm... It's not even (I don't think) got anything to do with love...it is similar to love though in that it is beyond reason and beyond the ken of mere mortals and yea, if you have that AND love, you are very lucky indeed...

I think, I believe, that one can tell very quickly, before you have kissed someone even, if chemistry is present. Although the degree to which it is and the weight of it can only be revealed within that first point of physical contact. My mantra in my early 20's was 'first thought, best thought, always'. And referred to that instinct we all have in multiple situations. At points I fall out of favour with it, preferring rational and logic to back decisions up but it always comes back to me.

The father of my first child, whom I was in a relationship with for 6 years. He had chased me for a year before we got together. I wasn't interested because my instinct was that we didn't have any chemistry, or that the spark between us (which there definitely was one) was just platonic, I was about 25 at this time I think. He persisted though, believed we were meant to be. One day, in the middle of the afternoon whilst watching a film (some old skool Kung Fu), I just said to him (after noticing he was just staring at me like a limp puppy dog) "oh ffs, come on then, let's get it over with - kiss me why don't you??!!" He was shocked but took his cue... I was... unprepared... expecting it to feel wrong. Instead, it felt rather nice... turns out, after 6 years together and how and why that went wrong that perhaps my initial instinct was indeed correct. He loved me in a way I couldn't return and that hurt him deeply, so deeply that he did something (almost) unforgivable. All's fair in love and war, as they say - especially when you have a child and we are friends now, but yea. First thought, best thought, always....

I've also had scenarios where I've believed there was that kind of chemistry...where maybe I've wanted there to be, but it has turned out not to be the case. One that comes to mind (and it has happened more this way around than the other), happened a couple of years ago now. The man in question was, EVERYTHING I could have asked for in a tick list; for a start, NOT MY EX (we had been on and off for years and I wanted it to remain off;  was looking for someone to break that spell). We met on Instagram. He was an artist, political, shared aspects of my identity and beliefs that were important to me...he was beautiful. But that first kiss, on our first physical date, stilled the butterflies in a way that spoke not of comfort unfortunately, but unease. I knew it wasn't right, I knew HE didn't feel right but I persevered because, I wanted him to be and I wanted him. Or at least that's what I told myself, because somewhere in my mind, I believed that compatibility and chemistry could become the same thing, if you tried hard enough... Hmf... Alas not. I was decent, I didn't string him along for ages but yes, did meet up with him a few more times after that first kiss, just to check if I'd got it wrong. Because, someone once said that first impressions are not always right. That sometimes things just need time to grow. Chemistry though, as I've come to realise, doesn't. It is either there or it isn't. On paper, we were perfect and I liked him, was attracted to him. Many told me to just go with it (what are you waiting for, a winged God like man made of Gold??)

Because there is no such thing as perfect. Apparently, at a certain point in the game, we just need to cut our losses as the pay off for not dying alone. But I've seen so many times what can happen when people just go with it because everything else is in place and they want a relationship more than they want the person. Hearts get broken, time gets wasted. My initial thoughts about this guy were that he was exactly the sort of man I should be with...and that is very different to, I want this man.

First thought, best thought, always...

I remember going to a party, somewhere in Devon, in a field, maybe 25 years ago. I was... intoxicated, let's just say, but feeling very open. A very beautiful woman danced a few steps ahead of me. She was brown...long, dark, straight hair...hips, eyes, lips and hands that trailed through the air like electricity. I thought it was just my eyes that followed her but all of a sudden we were away from the crowd, walking hand in hand. The sweat on her palms felt soft, like dew and I remember feeling unbearably aroused...and allowed her to lead me on, into the darkness of the field ahead. Moonlight. Her eyes. The dull bass of the music we had left behind and then her mouth; warm, sweet and wet upon mine... Possibly one of the most electrifying and sensual kisses I've ever had. Her lips were so soft and full, it felt like being absorbed into them...like gossamer and candyfloss and a warm summer breeze... She kissed with her eyes closed and her lids; heavy, wide, almondesque, shone like gold under the moonlight... I was entranced and actually would have made love to her there and then but alas, off she sashayed, back into the malestrom, leaving me slightly dizzy and ablaze behind...

That was beautiful, a perfect cinematic kiss that could be in an artsy erotic independent film. One for the memory bank yes. But am not sure I would define that as the sort of chemistry that runs straight to the core of you and is... undeniable. That above situation was indeed gorgeousness but was very much tinged with drugs and well, anyone that has ever taken drugs will know how they can alter perspectives and memory. Not to say chemistry and intimacy cannot occur whilst on them but drugs are chemicals and alter your own chemistry.

Therefore there is chemistry, and then there is chemistry...

There are those kisses which are impossible to erase. Despite trying, reframing, retelling the story to suit reality. Because they don't fit, are awkward (despite their beauty) but unfortunately, speak like fable...

Broken hearted, after myself and the father of my youngest had split up, I was encouraged to go out with a friend. I didn't want to go but she did the thing of, 'oh, it will be good for you...you need to get back to you a bit and just get out'... It had been 3 months, that I'd spent largely weeping and feeling like I was worthless. A washed up, almost 40 year old, with 2 kids and unsure of where my life was going. I was down. But felt my friend was right. I needed some reprieve. So out I went, to a night I'd never normally go to... it was a strange evening. I enjoyed myself being out but couldn't connect with anyone; everyone seemed quite up themselves (it was a chin strokey event populated with musos and aesthetes). 

Out in the courtyard, myself and a few people stood in a circle smoking... People were making ridiculous small talk conversation that could be boiled down to name dropping, so I (as I have a tendency to do in social situations I can't handle) shut and drifted off. As I did, I picked up on a really interesting and evocative smell...a perfume or aftershave I assumed and blurted out that someone smelled nice. Everyone fell silent and realising that I evidently hadn't been paying attention to the conversation and had just blurted out something weird and random, proceeded to try and find out who it was... Going round the circle, sniffing and saying, oh, not you...no, not you either...etc, etc until finally, I came to a tall man... the smell was overpowering, I felt a bit like a rabbit caught in headlights; "Oh, it's you! What aftershave is that?" I asked, slightly nervously, realising I'd made an exhibition of myself by this point already. His response, of course, was...

"I'm not wearing any..."

Well... 

Indeed! 

We looked at each other; eyes both smiling, nervously but somehow confident and gave cursory and meaningless introductions... I don't remember much about what we discussed in the half an hour after that and before we kissed. All I do remember is us talking and me repeating in my head, over and over again "just kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!", until finally I grew tired of waiting, pushed him up against the wall and kissed him myself... I remember just thinking, what on earth am I doing? I had spent the last few months weeping, in mourning for the loss of not just the relationship with the father of my youngest, but also that dream... I had spent the previous 15 years in 2 big relationships, making babies and trying to create a life and family,  and here I was hotter that fucking Magma, like a 20 something again! I felt like Dante and Venus and Persephone - I was ablaze and had no desire to be put out. So we spent the whole evening (until 6am) talking, walking through the streets and kissing... It was an immense explosion of chemistry but one I wasn't ready for, having just come out of a relationship. So, at my request, we halted proceedings and became 'just good friends'...for a year or so anyway... 

Sometimes chemistry fades after time. 

It often does in fact... when it becomes obvious that you and your lover are not compatible, that the chemistry you shared has no home, it either dissolves or just implodes...and sometimes, having that compatibility and content can breed a form of chemistry inertia; slippers so comfy you barely notice the pleasure anymore... but sometimes, it would seem, it goes no where. If you are lucky, it goes no where and you have love and compatibility too. But sometimes, despite a total lack of compatibility and despite enough water under the bridge to drown out the hottest of fires, that kiss still feels like the first time, each time...

First thought, best thought... always... ?