Yalda the Nightless

He said he would come today! He said he would come and he would see me in the mirror.

Oh! I am sick of this life of slumber! I am sick of this life of slumber!

Oh, father; my eyelids are fluttering again; I went to the doctor, he said he is nervous, try not to be nervous; you do the math, if the girl you love, when you were young, was not given to you, can your nerves be calm later?

They themselves said that they gave Yalda to a rich man; since then I have been thirsty for their blood; I want Yalda's father not to be around.

I am sick of this life of slumber!

Yalda's father is a doctor who was my patient. Of course, I do not accept that I am sick; because I am very well, he has only given me a series of pills and I have to take them; But when I eat, I feel worse; I know these things make me feel worse.

Yes! I feel good! I feel good!

If I go to the roof, I feel better; I go there and sit away from everyone and hatch the plan to kill Yalda’s father.

Hahahaha! He thinks I’m crazy; and Yalda loves me too; after I kill her father, we can run away with Yalda and go somewhere where they can’t reach us.

Look, mother, I’m crazy and sit down and pray for me and cry for me again. I feel like a talkative sea that is right in front of me the next day, and it reminds me of the feeling that I went and lay down on the snow in the forest because of the pain in my heart. I realized I am the warlord, the world is dead like the fears of the past, let me die and become more legendary, let everyone know that I am in pain. I want respect for myself and I still need to make mistakes; my behavior is the same as that of a criminal. This world is ugly, I have fallen for its game.

I am sick of this stupid life!

Oh, Dad; What does this crazy neighbor of ours want here below the stairs?

It must be one of Yalda's father's people! He left this here to keep an eye on me so that I don't make a mistake.

You non-existent! But you don't know what my plan is. Hmm!

I'm going to the roof now to throw out the rest of the plan.

When I killed Yalda's father and laughed at you, that's when you will understand who I am?

I will finally take revenge for that rejection of my proposal. Revenge!!

I'm sick of this life of dozing!

This is from the rooftop, a cozy view to plot the murder of Yalda's father.

I don't know why everyone thinks I'm crazy! But I'm really feeling good, you know, I've never felt so good before; I want to hear Yalda's father's screams when the knife hits his ribs and makes a sound.

Now I don't know; should I also kill the boy they want to give Yalda to or just kill her father who is against this union; but it's better to kill her father; because when Yalda's father dies, there will be no one left who is against this union and I will also reach Yalda and we will escape together and from here we will go to a quiet place without any police. You know, it was Yalda's own suggestion that I went to her father for treatment; I am not sick at all; I am healthier than everyone else.

Yalda gave me this mirror the day I went to her father for treatment and said: “Whenever you look in the mirror, you can see me in it.” Since that day, I have been waiting and looking in the mirror for Yalda to appear in the mirror; after all, you know, it was her own hand that gave it to me.

I am sick of this stupid life! Ah!

Is it fair that Yalda’s father tells me that you have a mental disorder?

I think he has a disorder himself, a sensory disorder, and he doesn’t know that I am so obsessed with Yalda.

Oh my, they drove us crazy too; they say you are crazy, is this fair?!

You know, since her father is a psychologist, he thinks he can make me look crazy with his words and the words of psychology.

My only hangout is the roof and the balcony of the house. When I go there, there is no one to bother me or tell me what to do; I light a cigarette and watch the miserable lives of others.

You know; I think everyone should have a place to stay. My place of rest is here too; even my doctor told me to be alone with yourself from time to time and think about your work; but I think about things I want to do, like how to kill Yalda's father.

You know; life is not beautiful at all and we are just wasting our time here trying to warm our heads so that our day turns into night and our night turns into day.

There are times when I have no heart or mind for anything and I just come and sit on the roof like now and plan how to kill Yalda's father.

When I see him, I have a special hatred for him; but because of Yalda, I can't say anything to him and I just have to confirm the nonsense he tells me. Like the last time I went to his office and he kept telling me: "My daughter is getting married next month; get out of my daughter's life." And from these words...

Yalda was also crying constantly; but maybe it was a plan, from Yalda's father and Yalda herself to try to screw me, but no; Yalda loves me and that time she was crying a lot for me; no, I know that's not possible; whatever it is, it's under her bastard father's control; I know that he loves me.

You know; I think a bunch of people should be killed so that this world can breathe a sigh of relief and everything can go back to normal.

I have several characters inside me that I don't really know what they are. They just tell me what to do or not to do, and the only will I have is the choice to do or not do what they tell me.

It shows me the right path once, and the rest of the time it shows me the right path.

Seemingly wrong paths that lead to the right results. On the one hand, I am real, this character negates it; I hear voices in my brain that no one else can hear.

It’s as if there’s a human being inside me; it’s talking to me, it’s telling me what to do, I just don’t know if it’s from God or Satan?

There’s no cure for this antidote, Satan is in the church too.

I just know it’s there and sometimes it’s telling me what to do or not to do anything at all. Sometimes positive and sometimes negative, as if it’s exactly me, but it’s not me.

Right now, a lot of different things are going through my head.

- No, don’t kill him; he’s Yalda’s father; if you kill Yalda’s father, Yalda won’t even look at you anymore.

- No, Dad, I'll make him happy, because when I kill him, I can say that your father did something by accident, for example, or that he disappeared completely. I'll take his body at night, leave it somewhere, or bury it so that no one suspects me of killing someone; then I'll make up some excuse and make Yalda understand that it wasn't my fault.

- No, don't do that!

- Why do it? It's actually the right thing to do. It may seem wrong on the surface; but you're doing the right thing by killing his father, they'll have to pay for their actions one day. There may not be another world where they want to pay for it, maybe God has made you the one to pay for it, I understand.

- I don't know, I don't know, I don't know; sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall because of you two; Or should I just throw myself down from this very canvas and relax, Dad, leave me alone.

The three of us end up arguing, and in the end I emerge from it like a hero and choose what to do and what not to do.

The first time I heard these two people, I was alone in my room and realized that they could hear me and I could hear them and I could talk to them and they would even answer me.

I saw that I was hearing a person's voice; but I turned around and saw that there was no one behind me!

For a moment, I didn't understand the boundary between illusion and reality; in my opinion, illusion isn't such a bad thing.

Then he called me again!

I was shocked again and my eyelids started to flutter again!

I was a little scared; My eye sockets were completely wide; my whole being was cold and limp, and the smell of fear was all over the room.

He said, "Yes, I'm with you, hey; you're the one who always curses the earth and time. Isn't it a shame that you gave your life and youth to Yalda? Don't you want to do something?"

I said to him, "Who are you? What do you have to do with me?"

- Don't rush, we have a lot of questions for each other.

You're one of those who do something and think they're making a big deal out of it; you need to think about this matter seriously. You can't just stay at home and they'll laugh at your beard and give Yalda to someone else.

- Where did you see it? I've just started.

- Many people started like you; but they lost and didn't gain anything in this game.

- I said they weren't aiming for Yalda, they were just making wishes, who are you anyway, that you're eating my brain with your talk and dancing on my heart and brain with your fast rhythm?

- I'm an image of yourself!

- I think you're lying; you don't even exist and I'm giving you meaning in my solitude.

- I'm a voice, I just objected to you instead of staying silent; and you're the one lying, not me.

I smiled too and glanced at him and went back to my room and in the bubble and fence I had drawn around myself, I was happy thinking that he hadn't come after me.

I said to myself: "He's probably upset and left." But I was very wrong and he hadn't left.

He just happened to sit in front of me and gave me a sideways look. He raised his eyebrows and cleared his voice to say something; But I didn't spare him and asked: "I thought you left..."

- With this thought that you have, one must doubt your sanity.

- I try not to hurt anyone in my life and to go and come back at ease.

- All this trouble has happened to you, isn't it really enough for you?! All this bothering, bothering; How long are you going to stifle yourself like cowards and sit on your hands? Listen to me for a few minutes; what I'm about to say is not harmful to you.

- You can finally die unharmed; how can you leave this world without getting what you deserve?

- You're absolutely right, you might say I'm crazy; but I really don't know if you're in this room, or if this room is in my mind?

He didn't answer me anymore and left, and this was my first meeting with my existential self.

It is right in my brain and nowhere else; just like a look that is imprinted in my eyes; an image that cannot be drawn; a word that cannot be said. Not that it cannot be said, it cannot be heard; it must be felt; that's it. Familiar like my words; but strange. It is simple; but deep. Like sadness, the only cliché of my life, a repetitive and bitter sadness.

It constantly calls me and says: "Come into my world, I am the apple that you have not yet bitten, man!"

Or it tells me: "Close your eyes for a moment, do you see?! I am here, you created me in your brain; for a change or for an event to happen; a doubt or a hesitation.

See? I am exactly where you lost your war with yourself."

- Who are you? What do you want? What are you saying?

After he left, I saw that he was not saying anything wrong and I decided to take revenge on all those who underestimated me.

I am sick of this life of nonsense!

I know it sounds sick; but sometimes, I create someone in myself to challenge myself. My childhood is on my mind and it constantly reminds me and constantly screams: "I want revenge. I am one of those wounded people who take pleasure in the hardships I have endured in life and do not be sad.

Dan, the corner of the cage I was trapped in and I made a value out of my misery.”

- This time it was your turn; let’s fight if you don’t mind.

Just don’t get discouraged and don’t leave me alone. Come back and come! Come back, look, come back! I need someone to fight with; You can be the one who understands this disease I have.

- I live with war, but you hope for peace;

Tell me what’s left at the end? Tell me! Shout! Empty yourself! Tell me! Maybe this is the beginning of an argument between us, start your game, see, this is me, born of a mistake.

- Are you a creation of my brain?

- No, I am a creation of those who did you wrong and didn’t take you seriously. I ask you to change your mind; change your mind.

- Are you always with me?

- I have written my name on the glass of your heart for a long time; So I am as long as you are cold outside and warm inside; Don't erase me, this is not a request; this is a warning.

- Although society has rejected me; but my outside is cold and my heart is warm.

- Do you understand me or not? Don't say you don't understand because it's simple?

- Why; I understand you completely.

- In my dream, neither wanting nor being able; What is in your dream?

- It's the same in my dream.

- For me, life without change; That is, self-destruction, what is in your world?

- It's the same in my world.

- Life is dead; My result is depression; I am a lip on your face, worn out from this life, to scream.

- You are right, you are right.

- You and I are so badly transformed, so why do we still appreciate it?

- I don't really know; Let me see who you are?

- I am the soundtrack to your moments of being alive;

If, like me, you feel that your life is a movie based on reality.

- How can I listen to your words?

- Listen to me with your heart.

- Let me see; What do you think life is?

- Life is the beating in the middle of your chest.

- You didn't say who you are?

- I am not a stranger, nor a leader; I would repeat myself exactly; If time were to turn back.

- How are you?

- I am the delirium of a feverish world.

- How is your world the same as mine?

- I created my world myself, I; I mean the first birth to the last death, I mean the first bud to the last leaf.

- Let them remain stagnant; let them turn their backs on me. I chose to suffer and grow, like a green and fresh cypress.

- Everyone said that this life should be built on. Remember?!

- Is that how you think?

- No, it's not like that at all.

- Didn't you say who you are?

- Your brain is the root;

I'm growing inside it, believe me;

Just go into thought, into silence.

- Where do you think my problem is?

- My index finger is on your head; So the root of the problem is here.

- Let me see; Where exactly do you reside?

- I reside in that root and I will never leave there.

I've been beaten up. I've become a mountain of complexes that lives in this dead cage; for which living has become a crime.

You know; since I was a child, I hated the people around me. Since I was a child, my father beat me for every bad grade I got; my father used heroin and didn't pay any attention to me at all. Or maybe he didn't see me; or I didn't even look at him. One day he beat me so much that all his complexes came out on me; I went to the hospital and all my ribs were broken and I was hospitalized for a few days. After that day, he just kept yelling at me. I really don't know why he has a child at all when he wants to beat his own child? Or if he can't handle raising him, why does he have a child at all and make someone else miserable. So that he himself can have hope in life and can have someone who can relieve all his complexes and work and beat him like Cosette.

Oh, Dad! Whenever I think about the hard days I was having, I break down and cry more; but I laugh out loud again; because now people's lives are in my hands and I'm not their toy. They are my toys and pawns.

Now I can take revenge, revenge; in my opinion, life smells of revenge; I am sick of this stupid life!!

You know; I am stuck in a bad situation; because in my own house I do not feel at all that everyone's life is in my hands and that I can take this life from them; you know, because it seems that despair is the ruler of the house; not me.

You know; I have no friends; the only hope I have is Yalda.

I feel that if Yalda were mine, I could throw the whole world at her feet and I could be the happiest person; if that bastard father would put her in a psychiatrist.

I did not understand what her father did. Is he a psychologist or a psychiatrist?! But the last time I went to him, he gave me a bunch of useless pills, which I take all at once.

I have endured many hardships in my life that I kept in my heart; whenever I suffered any pain in my life, my mother would say: “You will forget when you grow up.”

But I grew up and I remembered that reality will always be contrary to what my mother said; this earth is too cruel to take you to a good place.