Dear Public Diary for all of my friends that I've never met to read...

Today was a rough one, mentally speaking. I stayed in bed until almost 10:00 A.M. (I'm usually up at 6:30), and once I did get out of bed, I had a wicked-tough time motivating myself to do ANYTHING.

There wasn't anything WRONG, so to speak, I just felt ghost-like... As if I could haunt the house, but not really REACH anybody or anything. That the world was unreal, or---at best---horrifyingly indifferent, so what did any of it matter???

This type of mental quagmire (I recognize it from books, like William James's Varieties of Religious Experiences and Walter Kauffman's collection of essays by Existentialist writers), is sometimes called THE HORROR, and it can be a nightmare to get out of once you start sinking. (Remember the scene in The Neverending Story when Atreyu's horse, Artax, succumbs to despair and drowns in the swamp??? Perfect metaphor.)

Luckily, I have three things at hand that can help: art, music, and (most important) support, in the form of an understanding and funny and wonderful wife. (And the pills, which I know I have to take, so I've stopped fighting them.)

Mariah is the key, though. She doesn't even have to TRY to bring me back from the Haunted Worlds---I just see or hear her and I'm BROUGHT BACK. And then I eat chocolate chip cookies, listen to some great tunes (The Cure or Adam and The Ants or The Prodigy or...), and I draw...

And then things are mostly fine. I finish something, laugh at it, show it to Mariah (who usually says, "You're going to add color, right?" She's almost always correct, even when I like the roughness of the b + w image. Her tastes are closer to "normal" folks than mine are, but that's not saying much... She's weird, just not as weird as me...)

But Mariah is the anchor and creating... writing or drawing... these are the tether keeping me in THIS world.

I wrote this bit, earlier today, as a response to a comment that someone left on one of my CENT posts:

It's difficult to overcome the crushing indifference of the world around us. In order to drum up the mental energy, the DRIVE, to do anything as fundamentally unimportant (in the eyes of our current, commercially driven, emotionally stunted, intellectually backrupt systems of interactions---where the only way that most people can judge what something is worth is by looking at its PRICE TAG---fulfillment requires the implementation of a PERSONAL IDEOLOGY, a set of ultimate values derived from our own, unique perspectives, histories, aesthetics, and circumstances. (Ideologies aren't "ONE SIZE FITS ALL...")

Speaking personally, I am not satisfied with any of the current ideological / political / religious / social / or aesthetic systems that I've found, so (for the last 34 years or so---since my purple-haired skate-raver days in the late 1980's and early '90's), I've been trying through my art and writing processes, and extensive reading, to define and come to terms with my OWN sets of ideologies, aesthetics, and values.

It's actually quite fun. (Sorry for the long response, but I don't get much engagement, and I enjoy considering these types of concepts and working through my thoughts on them by writing these thoughts down!!! Thanks for keeping me typing!!!)

After my blasé start to the day, I turned a psychological corner and started writing in my journal, trying to figure out some means of creating some psychological propulsion. I came up with THIS idea as a possible motivational tool. Because I'm uninterested in MONEY (I know I shouldn't be a currency hater, as it's essential to life in the society in which I find myself mired, I can't help but find money supremely dull and even somewhat repulsive---especially if I have to TOUCH it... I'm a germophobe, if you didn't recollect from all those other posts you've undoubtedly read!), and so I decided that I should come up with a way to induce creative acts by devising a REWARDS SYSTEM. I enjoy "achievements" features in video games and tracking complex scoring systems (like the one I use for my MUSEUM OF POSTCARD ART collection), so I thought I could give myself points for completing various tasks, like finishing a drawing, writing an article, reading a book, completing a review, sharing a work on various social media outlets---a lot of the boring "bookkeeping" and "work" elements of being a modern creative person that are necessary for engaging with a community of creative folks. Once I've accumulated a certain number of points, by completing tasks, I get a reward, like a milkshake or a music giftcard or a new book. (Something I actually WANT, instead of stupid, old, boring money... Stupid.)

With an Oreo milkshake as an incentive, I bet I'll get a LOT of shit done!!!

So that's my plan now, come up with a scoring system that will incentivize positive actions and encourage me to get some work done---especially the boring, tedious stuff, like sharing work that I've finished. (I love the CREATIVE act, but everything that comes AFTER the MAKING is dull to me----important for community engagement, but not what I most enjoy spending my time doing...)

Enough for now! Oh, except I still need to share some new art:

"Proper Direction"

[Gel pen on notebook pages with digital embellishments and color. 2020.]

Yup. Did that one today! Or yesterday??? They all blend together, sometimes. I FINISHED it today, for sure... If that matters.

Toodles!

---Richard F. Yates (Holy Fool)

[P.S. - I originally posted this, last night, on my HIVE blog, but I've given myself permission to reprint it here. The artwork is mine.]