If you are one of those people who always jumps readily into the unknown and thinks they can accomplish anything they attempt, then I applaud you for that confidence and no-fear attitude. There are many of us, myself included, whose knee-jerk reaction to anything different or new in front of us is "I can't..."  This post might not be for those of you who live fearlessly, but you might know an "I can't" person.

I have always noticed it mostly with my sister. She is an amazing person, very capable, smart, and while she never went to college, she studies subjects she is interested in and learns what she needs to. However, her first reaction to taking on anything new or unfamiliar is "I can't do that..."  Up until last summer, she had a very weird working life. She had worked 17 years for a major retailer as a personnel manager. When she retired, she wanted to work part-time, but the job she was offered was working freight and stocking shelves. It's a very physical and labor-intensive job. To make things more complicated, her retirement home was over three hours from her job. She ended up taking that job and worked a deal where she would work ten days full time a month. She would drive down, stay with her daughter while she worked, and then spend the rest of the time at her retirement home. She did this until last summer, when it began to take a toll on her physical and mental well-being.  We all encouraged her to look for a job close to her home. We figured out what she needed to earn and how many hours she'd need to work and encouraged her to apply. 

It took a lot of encouragement. She was pretty convinced that she couldn't work for the retailer near her house. She didn't know anything about how they functioned, their procedures, anything. In her mind, she was lacking everything they needed. After three weeks, she finally applied. They were giddy to have someone with her experience and work ethic, offered her more than what they normally offered new hires, and wanted to give her as many hours as she wanted to work. She still works there and while it is hard work (working freight and stocking shelves) she is very grateful she took the risk and said, "I can...."

I never really noticed the "I can't" attitude in myself until recently. I think the reason for that is because the people that I'm closest too are more "I can't" than I am, so it didn't seem like I was letting fear or, rather "what if," drive some of my decisions.  I tend to err on the side of making sure that I don't take anything on that I might fail at.  In fact, when I started this blog, I had probably 15 weight loss posts ready to go, but it took me months to get the courage to post them somewhere. Confidence in my own abilities has been very much lacking in my life. When I went back to work full time after my kids went off to college, I took the first job offer I received, doing income taxes, instead of waiting for a job in the industry that I wanted to work in. I'm beginning to think I took that job because it was something I had done for many years part time. I had also taught the subject at my part time employer and did a teaching stint at a local university. It was known, familiar, and it was safe.

I was naive about that job because there were more scary and unknown things than I could have imagined, and I believed I had no choice at that point but to try and navigate them all. Toxic boss, haphazard training, many, many new procedures, several types of software, unclear working relationships, ambiguous instructions and lofty expectations that I felt I had little chance of meeting. Had I known about this work environment before I started, I DEFINITELY would have said "I can't" and would never have taken that job. Unfortunately, I was now stuck in the thick of it, with two kids in college, feeling like I had no choice, which was not true because my husband told me to quit and look for another job several times. However, I remained ("I can't" quit).  Eventually, I learned the procedures and the software, told the toxic boss to either fire me or get off my back, started mentoring new people (because I had so much empathy for them) and figured out how to navigate the working relationships. I somehow made it work during those hard times. Eventually I ended up with a great young boss who was more like a brother than a boss, the respect of the toxic boss (who I would tell off when he acted like a jerk), four great managers, a bunch of colleagues who became a second family (tax season misery creates strong bonds), great income tax experience, interesting work that was always changing, great compensation, and a job with the ability to work from home years before COVID was a thing. 

I've been retired for several years now. Do I regret not waiting for my 'dream' job? Yes, I do. I had a good career in the profession I went to college for, but "I can't" kept me from holding out for the job I really wanted. I dropped that dream once I had found a job that paid well, instead of pushing forward to try and obtain a job in the industry I was really passionate about. I still think about "what if?"

To be honest, I don't know what would have happened if I had waited to get that dream job. Maybe it would never would have happened. Maybe it would have been worse. Maybe I would not have liked the work I had to do in that industry. Maybe I would have had an awesome career. Who knows? 

But that's just it. I will never know, now. Because I didn't pursue it. I let "I can't" and settling for something 'safe,' be okay. 

Why am I talking about this now? Because "I can't" is a mantra we saved in our brains that plays in our heads when we feel unsafe or unsure about possibilities in front of us. It keeps us in an unhealthy place or prevents us from experiencing some of the most awesome things in life. It prevents us from improving our health (I can't diet or exercise, it's too hard), keeps us stuck in a toxic job (I can't find a new job, no one will hire me), keeps us in relationships that we know need to be ended (what does my life look like without that person), and keeps us in situations that are dangerous or even life-threatening (I can't escape).

"I can't" is not where you or I need to be living. 

What really got me thinking about all this is my recent vacation to visit a cousin of mine. Our moms were the youngest of ten kids, and we are the youngest children in our generation of cousins. We both have red hair and are about three months apart in age.  She retired after I did but has since traveled all over the world. Sitting there, I realized how frustrated I was, not with her but with myself. We have done a little traveling but not to places that I am passionate about seeing. We did a bike tour in Europe, but tour was chosen and planned by my husband, not myself. What have I done about my 'bucket list' of places to visit before I die? What experiences have I been shying away from because "I can't"?  

She said one thing to me that really hit home. "Our time to travel now very limited. It gets harder and harder each year. I know we are not going to get to all the places on our bucket list, but we are going to try, before we lose the ability to travel."

I realized then that if I wanted to do things while I'm still healthy physically and mentally, I better start doing them now. 

It's so easy to believe that you are younger than you are. That you have plenty of time to do things. If you let that attitude, which I believe is part of the "I can't" mantra, rule your decisions, then before you realize it, you've done nothing you've dreamed of doing and it's too late to change that. 

Don't wait too long to say "I can...."

(Photo courtesy of Myian Prieto)