I feel as if I arise from the dead with every part that I publish of the story in each time. Like I’m emerging from the ground that I’ve been buried in a long time ago. I like horror movies. This reminds me of that, except I don’t want to think that my life may be some kind of horror movie. Who wants it? On the other hand, I don’t want to be unfair to my life, and I’m not unhappy either. (Gotta be kidding me!) It’s not unhappiness; it’s anger, being broken, being afraid, and being in pain. I haven’t figured it out either. I don’t know why I am such a kind of person, like “both sides of the coin.” There’s also this: I feel more responsible every time I move on to writing and publishing alongside the emotion, “Welcome to the rebirth party.” Whatever. Here we are. song

YOU'D BETTER TO GET ALONG WITH MONSTERS: YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN FROM THEM

The last time on "our trauma train trip", I was going back to the home crying. I didn’t have money for either the next month's rent or the other things. I was officially done. Furthermore, I asked for help from a friend. And day by day, these friends’ number increased. I was looking for a job for sure, but what’s done was done, and the pandemic flared up. And the millions of people around the world got trapped in their homes, with me. I didn’t know how to feel. Don’t think that I am an awful person, but some part of me got relieved. I wasn’t totally alone. That’s how a human being is; they can’t fight easily with the fear and its most glamorous gift: selfishness. But even this didn’t change that I’d screwed up before.

I was armed against isolation because I had bigger problems than that. I was afraid of getting sick because it might cause me to reveal everything. I wasn't so much scared of the illness itself. Okay … Maybe a little. And I’m sincere. And I was afraid for family and beloved ones. It turned out that I was right about it because Mom got sick after a couple of months, which was one of the worst periods of my life. We’ll come there too.

The situation was getting worse. Sometimes I couldn’t find to buy money for even a pack of cigarettes. I started to buy the food and cigarettes on credit from a local market. But it was getting sucked much more since it felt bad. By the way, family thought I was okay and working. I told them so. What else could I have done?

I don’t remember where I met with him, but right around that time I met with a guy. The guy liked me, unlike me. I was just searching for an accompaniment. But that’s not the point. One night, when we were sitting in a cafe and grabbing our coffees, the guy’s friend suggested something to me. Honestly, it is better to call 2 idiots. Because they were so. However lucky me, it worked for a while. I mean the suggestion. The idea was earning money from a live-streaming platform. A place a little better than others.

I opened an account and started. Everything was so stupid but was fine because I was doing nothing but talking nonsense. I just need look beautiful and so was I. Still I was aware that it wouldn’t be last and someone would ask more, most likely your loyal supporters. So I found a solution thanks to my stupid internet connection. It was broken partially but not completely. It was working. Yet, I lied to the supporters, and I began to broadcast outside, at coffee shops, etc. Just so they couldn’t want me to make absurd, sexually explicit things. Ta-ta! The brain that NASA is looking for! It worked too, for a while. By the way, I also met with a friend whom I stopped talking to until 7-8 months ago at that platform, and I’ll tell you the kind of trouble he got me mixed up in too. He would do anything to take my attention, to have me. He hasn’t. The biggest mistake that people I’ve met made was underestimating me. It’s always been like this. I was desperate, not stupid. I saw their real faces behind the masks still; I was playing. I didn’t choose this; I had to.

Anyway. I kicked two idiots before one of them got me for what they wanted. I said so because I knew the other liked me too. Likewise, I think I don’t need to say what they were chasing either. It is not a sin, but it is a sin if you try to take advantage of someone in a difficult situation, in my opinion. Even if I kicked them, there were so many. The corbies were flocking as soon as they smelled the approaching feast.  But what they didn’t know was that I was learning to be a hunter too. 

And now forget about two idiots since they were game over. Their mission was completed. I mentioned a friend that I busted up with a couple of months ago; keep him in your mind, but there is a little time for him to be told in detail. A new player and a pure b*stard showed up at this level. I had known him from the college years, and I really had respect for him and even liked him. He wasn’t a new person, but his real face, hell yeah, was. He made a deadly mistake. He wanted to show his meaningless power on me, and I destroyed him. It took approximately 3-4 years; we had a very toxic relationship.

Next time, I will show you a nice guy’s real shitty face, and surviving tests will move on at full speed.

See you in the next part.