"Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."

 ― Rorschach (Alan Moore); Watchmen

I must admit that I'm getting pretty tired of the meaninglessness of my own existence, the lack of purpose and direction. My days may be numbered, but they blur into each other, are little more than marking out extra time I wish I didn't have. I want my life to consist of more than simply eating, sleeping, breathing and watching YouTube videos for Nano or reading books (the content of which I don't remember afterwards).

There was a point where my life used to consist of a whole lot more. Once, I was able to learn new things, hold down a full-time job and make a small contribution, even if sporadically and unenthusiastically, as a reluctant "team player". I used to have goals and aspirations towards which I was working. Even if I'd never actually achieve them, at least I had them. It seems to me that that life is all a long way behind me now and there's barely any likelihood of getting it back, if at all. About five years have passed since then and I seem to be going down hill if I'm ever moving in any direction at all.

Currently, I don't absorb and remember what I read, only that I read words without comprehension or recall. What's the point? If I'm not absorbing and remembering, then I'm not learning. If I'm not learning, I can't apply what I (haven't) learned and I can't improve or head in a new direction. I'm stuck with a problem I can't solve (always my biggest problem) and my life has no direction, no purpose. Sure, I could do research and experiment with other ways of learning, try boosting my memory, but that requires reading, comprehension and retention to find and apply them. Without reliable memory, it's a hopeless exercise in futility. Even editing my own posts is more taxing than usual.

I'm bored, I'm vegetating and I don't know what to do about it or if I even can stop or reverse the decline.

"I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it."
 ― HAL 9000; 2001: A Space Odyssey; Stanley Kubrick

As far as I can determine, I'm not going to be able to find gainful employment that won't require me to learn and memorise how to do new things. I might as well "lie down and rot" (to use an Incel phrase), for all the difference it'll make. Yet, one does not cease to exist simply by wishing it. Oh, don't worry; I'm not suicidal. I just don't have a compelling reason to get out of bed every day, now that my brain's broken and I don't know how to fix it. I sure as hell can't pull the sword from the stone if I'm doing it alone.