Let's be honest, we all do it and I am not just talking about Reels. I am also talking about YouTube Shorts, Tik-Tok and frankly any short film formats that are prevalent on social media. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about cat videos or characters such as Erica LeAnn, of whom I am a fan. She is a heavy metal influencer who generally, but not always sits in her car sharing different top tens in various categories of metal (for the uninitiated there are plenty). I am not talking about Reels made by your favourite bands as updates and check ins nor am I talking about Adam Rose - while wearing a hard hat, most famously pulls faces when watching catastrophic or ridiculous situations caught on camera.

I am talking about something more insidious.

But first let's remind ourselves of how the algorithm on such short reels (for that is how I am going to refer to them from hereon within - with a small "r" unless I am specifically talking about Facebook Reelsin) works.

Simply the algorithm observes your behaviour and it is determined by two criteria, what you watch and how long you spend on it - we generally think in terms of seconds. So if you pretty much scroll straight through something that you have absolutely no interest in then it notes and probably will either not repeat after several showings or the frequency of their appearance in your feed will be reduced. Conversely, the longer you watch something the greater the frequency with which it will appear. So if you watch a cat video in its entirety you will see more cat videos and so on.

So far so good and it makes sense, you get to see more of the content that you are really interested in. 

But there is a sinister dark side to all of this.

Let's start with the obvious, (which funnily enough, while seeming innocuous will also run into my second point below); that being the radicalisation of people concerning politics, religion, race and gender to name but a few.

Let's say, and going with a stereotype not necessarily expressing a personal belief, you have a problem with the people who are arriving on small boats in England and at the same time you connect such people with Islamic terrorism. You might watch something which seems to just be making a fair point on the matter, but then as you see more you will become more convinced about your view and before you know it, without context you see a picture of a clearly Moslem family and you are asked - almost rhetorically - should they be sent home. Having had the view reinforced beforehand a lot of people will say yes. This overlooks the wider picture; maybe it is a second or even third generation family, so they are as English as me. Maybe the parents work professionally and offer something of value to wider society (eg a doctor). We simply don't know enough and shout that they should go home, why? Because they are a bit different? Then before we know it we see an AI generated Reel (R intended) in which an RAF gunship pilot blasts a dinghy out of the water with a comment something like "job done".

I did actually see something like this once and tried to escalate it through Facebook who said they saw nothing wrong with it. 

Hello? You have just shown a group of civilians (their background is irrelevant they are non-combatant human beings) being slaughtered. A lot of people will chuckle and say "Absolutely right", even though they know it is not really happening. 

What is really happening is that without realising it and thinking they are being reasonable is that they are gradually being radicalised by the right-wing.

A similar process can be followed concerning the so-called manosphere. A lot of men do have genuine grievances about the perceived double standards of what men and women can and cannot do and even I see this while being an advocate of #metoo. In a similar way, men and particularly young men, thanks to influencers like Andrew Tate (not linked deliberately) are being led down a a misogynistic path in which women play an inferior role in society.

So moving on to my main point. Similar processes are underway that can affect our personal lives if we let them and yet because it happens on such a personal level we don't see it as being a kind of radicalisation. 

That is why it is being so insidious - it is sneaky and creeps up on you without you even noticing.

Let me illustrate.

Three or four years ago I saw a Reel in which a woman returns home to find that her husband is so very proud of how he cleaned the kitchen and even goes so far as to point out all of those small out of place spaces that he has also cleaned. He is so very proud of what he has done. The Ream then goes all wavy as it switches to a dream sequence in which, in the midst of his pride for what he has done, she showers him with praise, with an amazed and joyous face and she even puts a Hawaiian style garland around his neck in celebration of his amazing achievement and he further basks in the glory of the praise his wife is giving him.

Then, finally, the image waves back to reality and her face becomes critical and she complains "You didn't clean the toilet".

The message being "You didn't do what I wanted / needed doing and you seek praise for what you did do that you should be doing anyway"

While it is meant to be amusing, and on a certain level it is, it is subtly suggesting that he is practically useless unless given guidance and that he shouldn't seek praise for something that is ordinary, mundane and part of running the household. Simply he is in the wrong, end of discussion.

I will pick up on this again in a minute.

Let's just briefly analyse what actually happened and there are two conclusions. The first is the obvious one as previously stated.

• he shouldn't seek praise for something that is ordinary, mundane and part of running the household
• however the unstated one is that she should not be so hyper-critical. Maybe he put all of his energies into cleaning the kitchen up and he simply ran out of time. Either way she could have been less negative (being positive has implications of praise) and some might even go as far as to say that she could suggest gently that he look at the housekeeping priorities - however to do this would be for her to manage the household and he would still be in a subservient position and that in itself raises an issue about partnership.

So, if somebody has watched that particular Reel, they are likely to get similar Reels that go in the same direction and what makes it more powerful and compelling is that all too often it is a man who commentating on the feminine side. Some of them make valid points, for example there is one guy who makes the point of "just take 20 seconds". The point is take a few seconds to put something away or put a dirty pot in the dishwasher. However, once again it is aimed at the male and his behaviour.

The point is that it is valid - whatever your gender.

Before you know it you are being presented with reels that target the "Boy-Child / Mother complex" in which the wife feels more like a mother than a partner. While this undoubtedly can and does happen it is unbalanced.

The gist of such reels:

• man up, don't whinge and complain. Just get on with it.
• don't ask, just do, because in asking you are still putting the mental load on her.
• don't "help" your wife, just get on with stuff when it needs doing.

There is a lot of validity to these points, but it lacks balance.

If he is already feeling emasculated and insecure, he is now rendered voiceless and unable to say anything. Noticed the implied hypocrisy, she dictates and then silences him, but then complains about having to carry the mental load. She needs let go too.

It is not too dissimilar to the first example, he feels he is not doing it right he won't do it, rather than doing it wrong. Why does he ask? Fear of doing it wrong or getting even more disapproval. Instead there should be a healthy environment in which both work together, maybe with differentiated, but defined roles (this is not a statement about equality) without the need for asking or "offering to help - to reiterate I totally agree with this, but again it begs the question as to why he feels he needs to

It is very common for "wives have their ways of doing things". I know one woman who is very specific about how the dishwasher should be loaded and another who is specific about packing the groceries in the supermarket.

It's not that a man doesn't know how to or that he won't do it in a logical way, it is just not her way.

The bottom line is that if women assume they are in charge of running the house, men can only have a subordinate role and both his and her behaviours will fall in line with that basic priniciple. And that really is where most men fit. It's not our choices, our system, our priorities. It's the women's. 

He generally with accept this, maybe begrudgingly, but he then will struggle with the arguments about equality and mental load.

Men probably do "have to learn her system", but again by implication does that really position him as an equal partner in the household. The thing is that he should be able to do things "his way", unless the merits of "her way" clearly outweigh his approach (but again that should apply both ways and what will evolve is "our way").

In principle it's very similar to managing a business. The subordinates won't necessarily do it the way the boss wants, but if the boss is constantly griping or takes over doing it for themselves, because there's only one "right way" to do it, that's a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I actually have an article about poor delegation on this which I may have shared in the past. For peace in the household the woman needs to chill and accept that men arrive with imperfections although any man may probably be well advised to try and work things out for himself rather than to ask for help

Incidentally, there is another implied hypocrisy in many households, taking the rubbish out and fixing things is a "man's job", but if such a man dare to say her role is in the kitchen..! What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

Coming back to the main theme, the worst thing is that the more you watch the more you are presented with and the more convinced you become as your worldview becomes their worldview, complete without any checks or balances.

So, in doing so a kind of domestic radicalisation takes place which is ultimately damaging to the relationship - oh and btw - there are plenty of reels out there which state the opposite and again are more potent when presented by a woman.

They usually say

• he stops communicating because he is not heard or worries about making things even worse.
• he doesn't do because it is better not to do something than to get it wrong
• it is her way or no way
• I daren't show initiative just in case.
• you won't let me shoulder the mental load and be an equal partner so what do you expect apart from subservience and only a willingness to help and the constant questions.

Just like I already said, this lacks balance even though there is a lot of validity to the points raised. The unwise man (as with the foolish woman) will buy these lines, hook line and sinker and all it does is creates greater division when a common and balanced approach is required.

One final point, with such things going on, there is no wonder some men feel attracted to the manosphere. It offers security identity and certainty to guys who have become emasculated, even if the fundaments of the manosphere are totally wrong. 

And on that note my friends and as usual, please stay safe and well.