I believe that life comes in seasons. Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it rains and sometimes it pours.

Well, to say that we are in a season of challenge is an understatement.

First and foremost, a battle almost won. It is now almost two weeks since Younger_Rah was admitted into hospital and while I am going to stop short of saying too much, the end of this particular battle is in sight. We anticipate him returning home on Monday and from there for a sense of normality to slowly return.

I have to at this point pay particular respect to my Mother in Law who has been changing with Mama_Rah to give her a break and so that I can concentrate on both work (I only get paid for what I do) and Older_Rah. On my side this is made easier by is growing love of Lego, which coincides strongly with one of my passions. You might remember me posting about Lego a time or two?

Aside from that, and while there is other stuff going on that I cannot divulge, I too am in a season in which I must finally face the ghosts of my past. Hauntings and ghouls that have hung over me for far too long. Herein lies the problem. This malevolent demon is a part of who I am and my identity, and fundamentally this makes it impossible to let go. My brain tells me that I should, but my soul says no.

At this point in time I have no idea how to slay the demon and yet I know I need to.

I am under the care of a psychologist who is offering me support and asking me deep questions which I need to find the answer to, so that indeed I can be strong. Again my brain follows this, but how do you let things go that have been ingrained for almost half a century and especially if like I have already pointed out it is a significant part of who I am.

I f**king hate demons and especially when they overpower me in the darkness of the night.

This is totally, not what I thought i was going to write today and it may appear that I am rambling. I am just trying to collect my thoughts and order them. 

One of the things that I need is closure from those dreadful days, but this is impossible as it would involve conversations that just can never happen - it is far too late for that.

Somebody asked me earlier how I am, and the truth is that I don't really know. There is a tempest growing into a storm. The waves are lapping around me and I don't know how to move forwards.

I thank God for the children, because at least they give me an outward focus (that sounds terrible - as though I am making it all about me - but it is actually about their vibrancy, even when they are naughty and challenging) and pull me out of my own a**ehole - not a place I want to dwell in.

And on that note I think I need to go and find Older_Rah and build something out of Lego with him.

As always stay safe and well my friends.