The "Fates" are a group of disgruntled, mythological textile workers who determine the fate of man.  According to legend, they weave the threads of life into a tapestry of pain and good fortune, in whatever proportion they please.  In spite of their access to an infinite supply of textile materials, it apparently has never occurred to them to weave appropriate clothing for their upper torsos.

Of course, the myth of the Fates is pure fiction.  Science has shown that the fundamental building blocks of nature are not textiles, but rather chewing gum.

In this photograph taken at the original laboratory at CERN (back when it was cool), candy particle physicists are seen walking around a gluttonous chewing gum enthusiast in an attempt to extend the life expectancy of man.  At the time, it was believed that the best way to maintain the "fabric" of a cohesive society was to practice moderation, and sing songs at the expense of those who are given to an excessive appetite.

Today, it is understood that morality is a symptom of the knowledge of good and evil, and to engage in it is to admit that one is not a "good person."  In order to maintain the fantastical belief in one's own fundamental goodness, it is necessary to ignore the scientific achievements of the candy particle physicists of the past, and pretend that the universe is not comprised of blueberry chewing gum.  To this end, scientists have constructed massive particle colliders, in an attempt to undermine the work of early pioneers in the field.

This photo shows the moment two Oompa Loompas were captured at the modern, morally-relativistic CERN we know today.  It is believed the Oompa Loompas were attempting to sabotage the attempts of the false, topless deities of textiles and self-righteousness to create a portal to the underworld.  The Oompa Loompas were detained and questioned, and all their chewing gum was confiscated.  In fact, they were captured in the act of clogging the giant, subatomic loom with blueberry chewing gum, in an attempt to restore balance and moderation to the world.

You see, what the amoral adherents to an obsolete, textile-based vision of life fail to understand is that you can spend all day slamming particles together in an oversized energy donut, but since you deny the basic tenets of happiness and truth, you will never understand the meaning of the world you are trying to destroy.  Early candy particle physicists didn't expose themselves to their subjects in an attempt to frighten them into submission.  Quite the contrary.  Before the Fates came along and ruined everything, groups of singing Oompa Loompas would take a strand of chewing gum (a symbol of life as opposed to an actual life) and run with it until it broke of its own accord.  They didn't "cut it short" based on some divine or topless whim.  At most, they would run in circles with 2 different strands of chewing gum, and when the circle was completed, the Oompa Loompas would high-five each other, slamming the chewing gum together in a celebration of victory and life.  Which, incidentally, is how we fall in love.  When the Oompa Loompas high-five each other, an emotional and spiritual attachment is formed between the different strands of chewing gum.  If the Oompa Loompas are singing gleefully when the gum is slammed together, the relationship is a happy one.

If the Oompa Loompas are prevented from doing their work, or taken out of the equation entirely and replaced with a trio of dissolute lesbians with scissors, human relationships become dysfunctional, abusive, and unhealthy.

Which is why we are where we are today.

To restore society to its natural balance of harmonious beauty, to bring self-respect and moderation back to humanity,

It is necessary to reject the topless, hedonistic "scientists" who wield scissors of moral relativism at subatomic sweatshops like CERN,

And remember that it is not thread or fabric of which we are composed,

But rather,

Blueberry chewing gum.

And the knowledge of right and wrong, of course.

Thanks for listening.