Hey there everyone, today isn’t a crypto thing (unless I start investing in the Fat Ass Token\Sweatcoin ecosystem), but I am introducing Something new.
So, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I was not a Fat Ginger Fat Man from the Planet HorseCock. That’s an actual Planet. Look it up.
Pictured: Artist’s Rendition of Planet HorseCock.
I used to be well, rather thin. As I got older, more depressed, and stopped giving three shits about myself, I discovered something: Food was like a Crazy Woman. In the moment, it’s freaking wonderful, but the end results are terrifying.
“If I can’t have you, NOBODY CAN”
I’d look at the McDonald’s Menu and say, “okay”. I’d scare away small children. I’d break a sweat tying my shoes. I have an Honorary PhD in “Oh, GodDAMN.” From “That’s a HUGE BITCH” University.
Needless to say, I got fat. Over 370 lbs FAT MAN. I’d travel to Japan, but I’d scare the old WWII survivors half to death. I would be banned from entering the Nagasaki City limits.
Yeah, the worst jokes are the best sometimes. Sorry Japanese folks. For a LOT of stuff.
My only saving grace is that I am tall, otherwise I’d be rolling around like Violet Bureguard in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
TLC’s My 600 Lb. Life Pilot Episode. 1970, Colorized.
My decision was not sudden, but the result of the slow unyielding grip of paranoia in the back of my mind. I knew I shouldn’t eat particular things, but I did it anyway. Why? Because Lack of Give a Damn takes a hard look at Paranoia and says, “fuck it”. A few things along the way started to happen and MAKE me acknowledge that I had a problem.
1.) It was getting harder and harder to find clothes that fit right. That sucked. Big and Tall was the order of the day.
2.) I couldn’t get on Roller Coasters. Imagine the ABSOLUTE EMBARASSMENT of having to get out of the line
3.) I can JUST BARELY fit my seatbelt on airplanes. I’ve been on about 4 airplane trips this year and I am a gnat’s dick away from needing to sheepishly request a seatbelt extension. Sometimes it wouldn’t fit, and I would be too embarrassed to ask for one. I’d hide the unlatched belt under my dunlapped over fatness, hiding it from the flight attendant like some sort of really sad Solid Snake.
My ass would be dead instantly.
4.) Little kids that didn’t know any better would ask my why I’m fat. Yeah that happened. I don’t feel the need to explain further. Because telling these babes that life can suck so bad that self-destructive behavior becomes the norm for them is too much. They wouldn’t understand, I guess.
5.) I’d go to my local clinic to refill my meds, and I saw the scale. The scale sued the clinic for damages.
6.) I’d sweat at the merest mention of physical labor. I’m no pushover, I can do things physically. It just takes a LOT OF WATER to cool this big boy down. Please contain yourselves, ladies of Publish0x.
It feels like this.
7.) I’m alone, and I hate what I see in the mirror every day. I have no self confidence and that probably extends into other parts of my life like… well, love. I wouldn’t know what to do if a woman was attracted to me. I wouldn’t believe them.
Number 7 doesn’t have a joke. That was just me seriously opening up to a bunch of internet strangers about myself. The jokes are how I deal with things, and if you’re a follower, you know I do that A LOT. It’s my schtick. You guys deserve a little Realness every once in a while.
I guess comedians (is that what I am now? Maybe) do indeed find themselves in a dark place and use their ability to make people laugh as a way to cope with how they feel on the inside.
I changed a lot of things to feel better about myself. I write, I do wood carving, I think and philosophize. I make you laugh. I finished my bachelor’s degree after years of thinking it impossible. There’s just one major thing left.
And another disclaimer: I’ve been doing this Journey for 3 weeks now. No cheating. Balls to the wall weight loss Crusade. It’s funny how all the things that I mentioned never added up on their own, but eventually came to a head and made me Deadly Dedicated to do something about it. It’s almost like your unconscious brain has to unpack its data and sort it out before you it can send its TPS reports in Triplicate to the Executive Functioning and Consciousness Office for Verification. Well, it’s been verified. The only way out of this is either in a box or with success.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
In a single sentence, I am letting Thermodynamics take the wheel. Thank Science, I learned Science. Here’s the basics:
1.) A human body of a particular height and weight has a base metabolic rate. In order to maintain the weight at a particular level, a particular number of calories MUST be taken in every day. For someone of my height and weight, that intake is approximately 3400 calories at 370+ lbs.
2.) In order to lose weight, The first thing I did is engage in caloric restriction. I set a level of approximately 1500 calories a day (Approx. 500 for breakfast, lunch, and dinner), high in protein and fiber. These things assist in helping me feel full, and with will of goddamn steel, I absolutely refuse to go over that line. Additionally, the protein ensures that I do not lose in muscle mass (AKA eating my muscles away like some sort of auto-cannibalistic zombie from the inside). Additionally, I take a single men’s vitamin supplement just in case there are deficiencies in my diet. Which there do not appear to be. Lots of water, no sugary drinks. Diet sodas are on the table too.
3.) With caloric deficit in place, what happens? Well, in short, one pound of bodyweight is approximately 3500 calories. In one week of caloric restriction with minimal exercise, I would require 24,500 calories. My intake is 10,500 per week. That is 4 pounds a week. Now, I know some of you might say that this is too much to lose that quickly, and I would agree. That being said, you must remember that the numbers here are ideal and based on particular formulae that do not necessarily represent the exact situation in my own body. In addition to errors in precise information as far as calories can be calculated, there is room for error. For example, I might in reality eat 1700 calories in a day and require less due to my physical activity that day. The realistic goal is 2 to 3 pounds a week, which is okay. I’m not taking every meal to a calorimeter. It’s gonna be different.
4.) As I lose weight, the base metabolic rate decreases. I chose ~1500 calories because it was a number that represents a reasonable place to be at a particular BMI and is well above the diets recommended to be supervised by a doctor.
Strangely enough, I feel fine. I don’t feel terribly hungry, and I actually feel.. BETTER! I have a lot of support based on the fact that I live with TWO bariatric surgery recipients. I was recommended to go that route, but it scared me. I chose to do it the natural way. Their situations were different, as they were older, and they were recommended to do it. I’m young, and while my family history and current condition does make me a potential candidate, I do not wish to do it.
That being said, as I lose weight the caloric deficit will decrease, and I will need to perform exercise (which I currently do, I have an elliptical in the garage now). I will also need to probably tweak my intake to the increased activity in order to maintain a healthy weight loss. I’m not going for Eugenia Cooney over here.
NOT the goal.
5.) I will maintain a ledger of sorts, marking my weight on a notebook every week. I only touch the scale ONCE A WEEK on Sunday. I don’t need any more neuroses in my life.
THE RESULTS SO FAR
Strangely enough, this week has been interesting. I noticed some clothing I haven’t wore in a while due to being “Just enough” tight as to be uncomfortable now fit a little bit looser. My mother has seen some results. It’s not EXTREME results here, but tiny subtle things. I can wipe my ass without difficulty. That’s not a joke.
NO thank you.
I started weighing week 2, so I figure my beginning weight was probably above 370, because my weight as of 9/5/21 was 370. I’ll be weighing in tomorrow, and I will post results as I go.
This is gonna be a journey, but just as a conquered my degree, I will conquer this too. I’m not afraid. I will have my life back and set a better example for my son, who has his own weight problems as well.
One thing I realized: in 2010, I lost a WHOLE LOT of stuff. I lost college. I lost the love of my life. I lost my self-respect. I lost my sanity. It took a LONG TIME to get in the mindset to get some of “me” back. Some of it is lost forever. The love of my life has a child and a husband now. That hurts to think about, really, considering my own path. BUT, I can get other things I lost. My degree was one of them, and I’m looking into getting my Master’s Probably next year. Now, I need to get my self-respect back. That’s really what all of this is about.
What you lose in life can be returned to you, but the price is high and it takes a long time. Spit and polish until it shines, folks. Even if it looks like a turd right now.
Thanks for being people I can talk to.