So, if you have kept track of my shenanigans on the Salt Token, you might remember that my "No Horseshit Coin" Cardboard Blockchain Manager Carlos resigned. When I say "resigned" I mean he "redesigned" my center of operations (and the faces of my other Home Depot-Acquired Employees) after a rather nasty cocaine binge. When I say "redesigned", I mean he wrecked shit and is now on the run from the police. Last I heard he was playing a rodeo clown in some Donkey Show in Tijuana.
"Don't Feed The Carlos, Kids."
Or at least I thought so. Apparently, he thinks he can play the Crypto game BETTER than I can. I caught wind of a new token that he runs out of his trailer. And frankly... It's a rather good idea. I know praising that bastard after what he did is odd, but he actually did come up with a brilliant idea. Brilliant for the taking. Because a good idea is worth stealing and making my own. What's he gonna do? SUE me?
So, I know you have probably heard of Sweatcoin. Basically, the idea of Sweatcoin is that you download the app, sweat your ass off by taking a bunch of steps, then earn some fancy coins.... That are not yet part of any blockchain. HOWEVER, that might change soon, and honestly, you wanna get onboard with them because if you do, I am gonna make you rich. Like, the kind of rich that the "LaMbO MoOn" idiots jerk off at night thinking about. I Introduce to you...
Fat Ass Token: a Feeless, Diet-Free Digital Currency Powered by Mostly Americans and Double-Stuf Oreos in a Shameless Attempt to Tell Carlos to Fuck Off, and to Monetize the Obesity Economy.
Dr. Skinner CryptoMoto, ITT Technical Institute.
First, Carlos can find the nearest donkey member and engage in vigorous fellatio with it on a nightly basis. Second, The Fat Ass Token (FAT) tokenizes excess human weight using the proprietary DUNLAP (Digital Unified Nascent Lipid Accounting Protocol) distributed ledger technology, combined with FUPA (Fat Undermining Protocol Addition), Powered by Sweatcoin™*** to create a sustainable and long term solution and spur Massive Ass Adoption by not being a Fat Ass. Like Carlos.
Total Token Supply: 600 Trillion (We gonna need it for the American Market)
Blockchain: Ethereum (Will move the DUNLAP over to a larger chain once the ETH Mainnet can't hold it anymore.)
Number of Decimal Places: 2
.01 FAT = 1 Chungus
.1 FAT = 1 Big Chungus
10,000 FAT = Aw Lawd, He comin'.
I analyzed the DUNLAP Tech concept with a team of highly experienced Gastric Bypass Surgeons in the Dallas-Fort Worth Area. They all immediately came to the same conclusion: I was insane for attempting to incentivize people to become fatter. As a result, they said that the chain would be fundamentally unstable, since the users would literally eat themselves to death within the first year of operations (didn't think of that, did you Carlos?). I disagreed, then immediately fired them because my SaltToken price was getting dangerously low. I can't have that shit. I made a killing this year.
Working with a team of Vietnamese coders from 4Chan, I immediately got to work on the transaction verification part of the DUNLAP. Basically, all that needed to be done was to estimate weight of my users through an app that uses smartphone accelerometers to precisely pinpoint the weight gain through the force of their steps taken. After a particular amount of weight has been gained, GPS satellites in Geosynchronous orbit will measure the location of the phone and report any gravitational anomalies in that general vicinity. From the gravitational field data, I can estimate the weight.
The Amount of weight gained will be used as "Processing power" to be used as a method of voting and verification of blocks. Kinda like "Proof of Stake", but instead of staked assets, I'm using your ass. Once the block is verified, the block rewards are distributed to the voter in proportion to weight gained. Beautiful!
The FUPA Mechanism and Token Economics.
Working with Sweatcoin, we developed a way to integrate their coin into our token economy. Essentially, what the surgeons said was COMPLETELY true (trust me). If I was going to have a functioning crypto economy, I had to find an incentive to get people to lose the Fat so they can gain it back again. Thus, the FUPA was made.
Here's how it works: Once a user has gained a sufficient amount of weight, they will be prompted to take more steps, incentivized by earning Sweatcoin via an integrated application. Once they have lost a sufficient amount of weight, they will get locked out of the integrated application, and prompted to start eating Oreos immediately. Binge watching Netflix is optional at this point. The user can then trade in their FAT Tokens and Sweatcoins at any supported exchange, and make a goddamn profit. Please consider Fig. 1 for a visual of the token economy:
FIG. 1: Gain Weight, Earn FAT. Take Steps, Earn SWEATCOIN.
Having set up the infrastructure, we are now ready to hit the Ethereum Mainnet and make Fat Stacks of ass.. er I mean cash. This token has something for everyone. Tired of having your own gravitational field? Tired of going to a restaurant, looking at the menu and saying, "Okay"? Do small children flee in fear of your Ungodly Girth? Good News! With the Integrated Sweatcoin application (powered by FUPA), you can now lose that weight and make bank. Are you a skinny bastard? Are Cheerios far too wide to use as hula-hoops? Ever been blown off the sidewalk from the pressure differential that occurs when someone opens a strip mall shop door? Don't worry! Find your inner Lard-Master and earn some FAT. In 6 months, women (or Men) will be simultaneously repulsed by and attracted to you. You might have your own zip code, but your wallet will be even fatter.
Ah, simplicity at its finest. From a conceptual perspective, tokenizing fat seemed to be the next natural step after tokenizing Butthurt. I'm actually glad that Carl....er I came up with such a beautiful idea.
The FAT App will be in your Appstore soon. Get ready.
***Sweatcoin has not endorsed this project, nor do they have anything to do with it. At least, they don't know they do. YET!
THANKS A BUNCH everybody for once again for reading, I really appreciate it. I figure when I have free time, I'm going to ease back into the community by putting out a couple of posts every so often while I'm finishing up my degree. I miss the fun A LOT. That, and Crypto. Oh... Sweet Crypto.
HEY! Wanna make some damn Bitcoin Cash/Litecoin FOR FREE? Please consider Downloading and using FREE BITCOIN CASH or FREE LITECOIN through my affiliate links! You get Magic Money, I get Magic Money. Do it. We both get Magic Money.
Until next time, keep your eye on the markets. They're getting FAT.