Below is me about 20 mins after coming round from my operation earlier... The cover shot (and second) photo is me dressed up, on my way to do the dance performance (2 years ago) in which I first dislocated my knee... 3 hours after this photo was taken I was in hospital. 

I look (in that first photo) like I felt; disorientated, numb and on opiate based drugs... Due to the pandemic, you can't stay overnight in hospital unless it is deemed absolutely necessary, so whereas before, having a general anaesthetic warranted being observed by professionals, it is not a luxury they can offer. I am definitely not complaining. They were amazing!

I don't even remember them saying count down from 100, all I remember is the anaesthetist saying that would would give me a sedative first to relax me (because I was anxious about going fully going under) but I think perhaps he lied, because I then remember nothing. Good trick, anxiety averted, although apparently I was crying as I went under, bizarre...

Coming to was a bit like waking up from a heavy night out; my body felt heavy, my mind fluid and I felt no discomfort but just a strange sense of disassociation. 

The team were all lovely and I felt safe in their care. As have been the friends who have built their own team to look after me over the next few days as I get to grips with the worst of it. Currently I feel like I've been in an RTA but also pleasantly numb - after effects of anaesthetic and morphine. 

This next few weeks/months, are going to be gruelling and painful, so I am going to allow myself full rest and respite in these next few days. Because in a few days time, I begin some very low level physio and towards the end of January I will begin proper rehabilitation physio, which will apparently take anywhere between 6 and 12 months before I am fully recovered and can dance properly again. 

 The thought occurred to me, whilst waiting to go into theatre, that I must really fucking want this operation, because I know it carries risks (simply choosing to go into hospital at the moment carries a risk) and the healing time is long and painful. But yes, I really do... Yes, I am able to dance again but not even a fraction of how well or fluidly, could before. And yes, I think that is important to me.

I totally severed my ACL, the ligament responsible for bending your knee, as well as spring action and general support. I have also dislocated it multiple times and torn the soft pads which cushion my tibia and my femur. All together rendering my knee seriously unstable. My physio a few months ago said that I could opt for not having surgery and I would find a way of learning to dance again but a) it wouldn't be like it was before and b) the lack of stability in my knee would mean I am more likely to break a bone if I fell. No brainer in my mind. Not simply just 'no pain, no gain' but also with further, structured pain, I would heal, with unstrcucred pain, from just carrying on, there would be a continuation of serious pain and possibly an even worse injury one day. I had to go with it. 

I'm due to have my morphine again soon and go to sleep... I can feel my leg throbbing unpleasantly and know I have to get up and navigate the stairs (on crutches) to get to my bedroom before I do - decided that taking the morphine after doing the stairs was the better way forward. But as I lie here contemplating all of it I am struck by a weird thought and feeling; sometimes, life is a bit like that decision to have knee surgery. Knowing that something makes you feel anxious and worried, knowing that it will probably hurt and carries a risk, of infection, rupturing, patches of numbness around knee, having to have it again if it doesn't work properly/becomes loose, or developing a DVT from having my thigh tourniqueted for 80 minutes or of just simply the fear of having an anaesthetic.  Knowing that there is a good reason why you are anxious and it is not just free floating anxiety. But you do it anyway because, fortune favours the brave, for number 1 and also, sometimes when you weigh up the pros and they outweigh the cons, you need to rid yourself of fear and just fucking do it. 

Some might say that dancing is a luxury, and why would I take those risks to engage in a luxury? I would say that to varying degrees, my mental health and happiness depends partly on my ability to not just dance but be physical/engage in physical exercise. And I can't do those things properly and safely without sorting my knee. 

OK... Discomfort is now turning to pain... Off to bed I go... I wonder if the morphine will affect dreams and if I will have any interesting or meaningful ones... 

Apologies for typos and for not responding to other people's words from today... I will in the next few days... I just needed to ramble In a stream of consciousness fashion and prefer to respond, coherently to people's words. Soon. 

Peace xxx