"Speaking of love...of which who knows the meaning..."

There are a million and one different theories and ideas on what the biological, scientific utility of love is. From ideas of social bonding, to Einstein's now debunked theory that Love is a universal force that governs all others.  Me personally, I go with the idea that we are not evolved enough as a species yet to fully comprehend it's power or point. Not to dissimilar to how Professor Brand talks about love in Interstellar. Like the feral beasts we look down upon, who scramble about blindly in lowly instinct; to eat, to stay alive, to fuck - refined and superior in intellect and spirit as we like to think we are, we are no different when it comes to understanding the workings of our hearts... Fickle, easily broken, prone to folly and flights of fancy - love sometimes seeming more like a form of mental illness than a higher state of being. Because...we are not evolved enough to understand it, it is beyond our ken...and I doubt in even my grandchildren (that haven't arrived yet - my children are young)'s lives will be fully understood. Because it seems like we, as a species, don't seem to be moving closer towards enlightenment, as it were, but further away. As people become more and more obsessed with aesthetic, with surface level, style over content attraction, more interested in the packaging than the quality of the food, love seems to be moving further and further away from our understanding and grasp. In this sense perhaps, I'm fairly old school. Not many aspects of my life I could say that about but love is a reverent space. I have physical and even mental preferences, of course I do, I live in this society and am not above it's shallowness. But I've come to realise that chemistry, that precursor and sometimes (though not always) ante chamber to love, has nothing to do with someone having good eyebrows, or big eyes, or a cool, laid backness to their style or a lazy eye (bizarrely something I find attractive). No, it's way more primal than that. It's about smell and some strange thing that either happens or doesn't in your brain when the meaning of someone's words land. I appreciate it when it's there, understand it's beauty and impact, despite not quite getting it...

I'm dating again...after an interesting experience of love, which ended the beginning of this year and seemed to be a part of my life for just, ever. An experience that, by societies standards, did not work, because we are no longer together, but in my mind, worked exactly as it should. I have learnt and grown through it, it was painful but very beautiful and if he is the man I felt he is, deep down, so will he have grown through it - if not now - one day. ALL relationships are a chance to learn something new, about not just your lover, but yourself, the world around you and your place in it. Dating after that experience of love is...much different to how it was before. As it bloody well should be. It means I have actually learned something. It means I have actually grown. And yes, I'm excited.

My current datee...I have no idea how that scenario will pan out but I'm less goal oriented than I used to be. The goal was never (in my mind) happy ever after - because I've never believed that fairy tale idyll of romance - but more to experience the heights of love. Which I've come to realise, is also unrealistic to expect or even aim for. When I compare how many dalliances I've had in my life to how many men I've loved, that shows me that love, falling in love should not be the goal. Is not something you can or should work towards. It either occurs or it doesn't and 9 times out of 10, you have no control or say in who it's with. All you can and should do is enjoy the moment. Stay alert. Remain alive and inhabit agency but also fluidity... Or what's the point?

This was my dance today, to a beautiful song; A cloud on a leaf by Tin Hat Trio, which speaks of this love and heart conundrum. Yes...of course love is the ultimate goal in life...but to experience it, you need to hold that desire, that yearning, loose. And enjoy all the not loves for what they are too, knowing that ultimately the wise woman acknowledges she knows nothing, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart... My last experience of love, began as an explosion of chemistry that I relegated to being a not love experience initially, because I wasn't ready, for love or chemistry, and thus we became just good friends for a year before we got together...

It was my birthday this weekend just gone and I'm now 44... Should I be concerned that I've not found my mate? Should I consider myself some kind of failed state because I am not in a relationship? Or do I see this as a really exciting opportunity to find someone who fits the me I am now...? The latter is how I feel... regardless of what anyone else thinks :-)

Peace love and a whole lot of happiness