(Been off the radar for a few weeks...here is partly why)

A few years ago, it dawned upon me that I have an unhealthy relationship with drugs. Now when I say drugs I mean addictive or mind/mood altering substances. To varying degrees, who the fuck hasn't but there are levels, For me, these are alcohol, tobacco and weed/spliff. In the circles I move in, these things are totally acceptable. And the ways and level to which I use my drugs of choice perhaps are no cause for alarm for some. But when it becomes clear to you that you use them as a way to #selfmedicate and stay emotionally stable, then it doesn't really matter what the rest of the world thinks.

At this point, a few years ago I would smoke a spliff a night, only 1 generally and a weak one but it was more that I couldn't go a night without. Sometimes, maybe once every few weeks I'd have a night where I'd have a few but not often. I smoked rolling tobacco, probably 5-10 a day. I drank 5 nights a week, probably ³/4 to a full bottle of wine each sitting.

These things dawned on me when I was at a very low point and when my usage of these things had gotten out of control and I ended up engaging in some psychotherapy to try and address the root causes of my need to self medicate, IE PTSD.

My therapist, amongst other things, told me not to beat myself up about these vices, because I was still 'here' and we (humans) self medicate (in a vast range of ways) as a way to attempt to manage dangerous feelings. Obviously the issue with any crutch is that they in themselves are often not good for you, so, the addressing of the reasons behind your need to self medicate and the medications themselves need to be finely balanced.

Over the years I have at points tried to address the issue/dependancy/with alcohol, having a few dry months here & there (for health reasons and to prove to myself that I can) and have gradually stopped smoking spliff every night...but I've been terrified of tackling my tobacco addiction, the main and hardest one to break in my mind.

Last Sunday I had my last inhale of tobacco... I hadn't exactly planned it but it just so happened that in the build up I hadn't drank any alcohol that weekend and also hadn't smoked any spliff for over a week, just because i had been really busy/I'd been away etc (a few years ago that would never have happened, I religiously smoked a spliff EVERY night, regardless). So, somehow it made the decision to make that roll up my last one, easier...i'm sticking with those other absences for now too, simply because I associate them with tobacco and want to steer clear of anything tobacco related for a month at least. So as it stands I've had, drum roll... 9 days without alcohol, 18 days without weed/spliff and 6 days without tobacco... Which to many may sound like nothing but for me it's been pretty amazing. The only times in my adult life I've been this 'clean' or unreliant on something to take me out of myself have been the times when I've been pregnant and for the year or so after giving birth. Literally each time I pissed on that stick and  saw that I was pregnant, it was automatic and actually easy, the responsibility for a life being a serious inspiration, although an extreme measure to go to to aid quitting this time round. This last 6 days, without not just the tobacco but any of my other props has been interesting and yes, fucking hard.

I cried on my first day, cried and told myself I was worthless, no one loved me, I would never amount to anything, etc etc ad lib to fade... What has taken over though is almost the total opposite, especially as I realise, I've literally never done this before, gone bareback so to speak just for me. I've never done it because it was obviously gonna be hard and as human beings we tend to avoid pain, especially when you have suffered with severe depression in the past and contemplated suicide periodically as a result. But sometimes you really do need to go through it, break the abscess as it were, let it drain so we can at least see what it is we are dealing with.

I will probably go back to smoking spliff and drinking my wine  at some point after a month (many would say, why bother at all but I'm just being realistic, we shall see though) because my relationship with them both of them has changed significantly over the last few years anyway and they are not in and of themselves things I worry about too much. The point at which I had my last spliff 2.5 weeks ago, I think I'd been having 1(or even half some nights) exceptionally weak spliff maybe 2 or 3 times a week and drinking maybe 3 - 4 times a week. I still want to bring the drinking down to maybe twice a week, which is do able...but it feels so good to feel like I really don't want to ever go back to being a smoker. The cravings, the ill temper when that craving isn't sated immediately. The weird, erratic energy levels (tobacco seriously messes around with your metabolism) and the constant hangover (there is a chemical in tobacco that is the one responsible in alcohol for causing hangovers). Why would I do it? Saying that, I'm well aware that the 'in the moment' psychological desire will probably press at my buttons at points, like if I'm out drinking with a friend who smokes or I get passed a spliff with tobacco in it but hopefully I will continue to be strong. I've broken the back of it though and hopefully, the memory of how hard that was will stop me falling off that particular wagon.

☮️ ❤️☺️