As I invariably do from time to time, I stumble across a writing that I think is satire, but it's not; the writer is serious and no sarcasm or wit is evident. As I am want to do on occasion, I try to spin a satire out of the steaming pile of horse manure in a dumpster fire. (This particular one comes from the dung heap that is Fratlife.) Anyone who thinks "you can't polish a turd" has not met The Snark (or the Mythbusters, who realised you have to freeze it solid first). Hold my beer; challenge accepted. (Actually, scratch that. I'm not even going to bother with that; we're going straight to Caveman for a summation.)
Let me preface this load of silliness.
Femininity is sacred to Oog, the modern Caveman, for as long as he has roamed the earth (about the whole of thirty-seven years, at that, making him an old man by prehistoric standards). Yet, filling young women's holes with his peen has been (almost) as important to him as food and water. But it seems there's a lot of confusion in Oog's brain today, especially where women are concerned. (There's a lot of confusion there, generally, but that's beside the point.) Oog has some thoughts on this (although he has only some thoughts because thinking too much taxes him heavily and he tries to avoid it as much as possible).
Note/Warning: Writing this much caveman lingo causes my brain much pain and contortion, so I apologise in advance for how excruciating it is for my readers. Believe me; this hurts me more than it hurts you. Brace yourselves.
Why wiminz wanna act like mans? Just cause guys have power and big clubs, hunts the meat beasts, women wants them, wants to be them? Oog no like this, makes Oog's peen go sleepy-sleep. Wiminz like big mans, but Oog no big man. Oog silly small man, much jealous. Oog no likes these wimmins; they no want sexy time with Oog. Oog wants young perty wimmins with no life experience, to think Oog big clever man. Oog want sexy times with wimmins holes, but Oog have no interest in marriage, no kiddiwinkles. Oog got no sparkly stones to make wifey happy.
Oog no want thinking wimmins; make Oog feel stupid, not big alpha man. Oog want to be big man chief, but Oog has no power. Oog hates matriarchs, big man's queen. Oog wants go fight, take women slaves for sexy times. Oog big time patriarchy fan but no can be patriarch.
Oog is weak man, wants to be strong man, provider for wimmins, thinks wimmins must be weaker than Oog. That what Oog think he be. Oog want wimmins be only for sexy times, baby-making (but Oog no want to be daddy, cause Oog still big baby himself). Why alpha big mans want alpha big, strong, independant wimmins? Oog no understand. Life go very hard for Oog.
Oog think wimmins climbing trees, find big fruit, means wimmind bad mothers, bad wifeys. Oog no want old wimmins, no find sexy like young wimmins. Oog say so, but wimmins laugh at Oog. Oog feel small, get angry, makes wah-wah. Wimmins laugh more, big mans tell Oog to stop being cry baby, grow up and use brain. Oog gets no sexy time with perty wimmins, is much frustrate. Life no fair to poor Oog.
Oog have much shitty past life experience, so wants young wimmins before they subjected to his trauma, can't judge his bad character and know to stay away.
Post thumbnail image: Photo by Gratisography from/on Pexels
