I don't own any crypto, Uncle Sam. Sooooo...you can't have it.

I've Never Owned Any Bitcoin, Uncle

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now, Uncle. You haven't called me in years, and you don't have jurisdiction over sovereign assets. I honestly think that you're only getting in touch with me because you heard about my success in the sovereign asset marketplace. Well, I don't really take any of the credit. My entire philosophy is one of decentralization, so any success I have that you heard about is due to a lot of people I don't even know. I don't own that success. Or those assets you're talking about, honestly.

Oh yeah! I transferred some of those assets into your fiat currency, and you want to know how I got it. I have too much for your liking, and I'm buying things that you don't think I should have. So you want to know where I got my backing — make sure that I'm not some kind of terrorist coming to blow your entire shit up with my new matching Ferragamo leather belt and really amazing looking shoes.

Well, Unc, I can only tell you so much, because there's only so much that I'm obliged to tell you. I can tell you that I was loaned this money. I don't actually know who it came from. I got it from a decentralized banking platform. Although I'm not beholden to a person, I definitely have to pay the loan back. So it is a loan.

Also, Unc, this loan is for business purposes. I mean, your country does suck and it's old fashioned, but I thought that I might start a personal stylist business within your borders to have mercy on your shit economy. Everybody in your country is going to shit because of your shit monetary policy and your shit politics. So I thought they should at least look good as they burn.

So I'm willing to pay a small tax for using your currency to transact. That's no problem. I'll even pay for using your national resources to run my business. I do need electricity, I guess. But you also wanted a piece of the "profits" I got from the business money? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. There were no "profits." This was a loan. A loan I have to pay back. And I'm using this loan for a business, and all of my deductions are legal. So that big fat 0 on my tax form is legal, too.

Honestly, I don't want to get into a huge fight about decimals and details. How about this. You seem to want too much. So much, actually, that it would not allow me to do business in your country. So I'll tell you what. Why don't I just move operations to another country? I don't have to see you; you don't have to see me. Of course, I'll have to take my intellectual capital with me, as it would be rather difficult to service your citizens from across the world, even with Zoom meetings and stuff. I'll just service the people in the other country. They've already said they'd love to have me. I already bought property there and have a passport from them and right to abode and all that.

And as for that "Fuck the US" sign in my front yard — I am invoking my First Amendment rights as a citizen to say whatever the fuck I want there, Uncle. I mean, if I can't even do that, then what the fuck is my citizenship even worth that you foisted upon me at birth? I mean, I can't say anything, you're trying to tax me on shit that isn't even mine — the fuck do I need you for? I want to make rocketships to the stars and write incredible poetry, not spend my life buried in tax forms. Did you know, Unc? The earth is actually being pulled towards this big huge black hole in space called the Great Attractor. The sun is going to burn us up before we ever reach that black hole, but I think we can solve both of these problems with time travel and warp drive. I want to be a part of that, Uncle. Immortality. Can I do that, Uncle? Or do I have to fight you about this magic Internet money that isn't even mine? I don't want to fight any more.

So I guess I'll bid you adieu, Unc. And just think — you could have had a piece of this money, this business and this entrepreneurial spirit if you had just calmed down a bit and negotiated from a place more in line with your position. No hard feelings. Just understand that you're getting old, and the world is moving in a different direction. You may have done great things for a few people in the past, but you don't provide anything for me in the present. So I can't say that I owe you any of my bitcoin. Oops. It's not my bitcoin. Non-custodial wallet.

Ok, I've got to go. Client on the other line. Toodles!


I honestly don't know why any of you idiots are wasting time on "tax compliance" on your crypto. Personally, I've never owned any crypto in my life. So even if the government that forced its citizenship on me at birth claims jurisdiction over its value through my citizenship, I can't provide a link to that crypto for them. I don't own that crypto. I never did.

Bitcoin and every other piece of code I've observed and interacted with online come from a sovereign perspective. They are never within my total control. I may have observed them through non-custodial wallets, which I also did not own. And I honestly don't remember whether I observed them even through those. I don't really keep up with what I do or don't do with stuff that's not my property.



Always remember:

Burgerswap Bridge will steal your crypto
Deus.Finance is led by a psychotic wannabe despot
AllianceBlock is a shit project
All algorithmic stablecoins (Basis Cash, Mithril, Empty Set Dollar) are a SCAM

Don’t get your bitcoin from PayPal
Trade on BSC, not Ethereum
Ivan on Tech, Elliotrades and Bitboy are complete liars, and
If you are always losing money trading crypto, read here.

Gems I'm investing in:

NFTs - Doki Doki
Trading - Unimex
Finance - Soar

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