Well today is a tough day. Got into an argument with my wife and I am now sleeping on the couch(blow up mattress in Livingroom). We got into this argument two days ago and she told me she was done trying with me( it has been hard to live with me, it is hard to kept my focus and I can answer abruptly sometimes with my responses to her). And my mind has no filter, I say whatever comes to my mind (all A.D.D normal struggles). No brakes on my mouth. I am in the process of reading a book about A.D.D and marriages and it just described my situation exactly to the tee. My wife said that what I said to her did not make sense at all. I thought my wife was saying something different then what she said . I interrupted it wrong. Therefore I said a kinda screwed up answer. I have struggled to interrupt what people are saying to me my entire life because of my A.D.D. That is why I hate talking to people on the phone, I have used their face and body language to help me figure out what  they are sayin to me  sometimes. Plus about 10 years ago now I went to my doctor and they ran  tests on me and I also found out I have a processing issue in my brain, and I might be on the autism spectrum too, besides what the A.D.D gives me. It is so weird because some things I am very smart and can pick up things so easily . Again another effect of the A.D.D.  So my wife got mad and said that I always say messed up things or nothing at all back to her which in returns hurts her feelings. Now what I just saw in the A.D.D book was this; An A.D.D person has low self convenience(which I have) and when they don't understand what a person says they can say things that don't make sense and can lash out(not an excuse for me) at the person because they feel stupid. Now add on her response which is "that doesn't make sense, sorry sometimes you just say stupid things". Then she feels hurt from me lashing out and not making sense. So then I lash out again because I have been called stupid , dum , retarded, not too bright, slow, mentally challenge all my life so it triggers me a lot of the time . I either lash out or I go deep into my own mind(saying nothing out loud at all) and just have a blank look on my face. Which I just read is a normal response that  an A.D.D person will do sometimes. I am to the point of I am afraid to say almost anything  to her now because I feel like I will say the wrong thing. Therefore I tend to just stand there(blank look)  and say nothing for a couple of minutes making sure in my head that I understood her to be able to response correctly. And that makes her feel like I just don't care about her or her feelings. So reading this   in the book give me some hope and understanding of myself and my wife. I don't intent to hurt her feeling at all , I just want to understand her and to  have a good relationship with her. After years of me been this way, she now responses quietly, loud and abruptly to me .  She is also  always after me to romance her too, I have always struggled with that except when we first started dating. We also meant on a dating service 21 years ago over the computer, so our first getting to know each other was 2-3 hours conversations over the phone. That made her feel so special that someone hung onto her every word. So I especially now struggle with that because  I have to be her care taker, the house cleaner, driver, cook, supporter mentally because of all her health issues(makes her struggle with depression, anxiety) and she has problems having sex( vagina is twisted up inside so it is painful for her). So I do all of that , it makes me feel not so romantic and it takes a lot out of me mentally too. And I clearly have my own issues too. I also just read in the book that when an A.D.D first falls for someone they will super focus on them with romance , loving cards, flowers, all the wonderfully good stuff because we find it stimulating which in return makes the A.D.D less hard to deal with so we  do it even more. When you have A.D.D you find yourself starting a lot of projects all at the same time and you never  seem to finish even one of them most of the time.  Our A.D.D mind is contently looking for something that kepts our focus and can actually stimulate us mentually.  And then when it does not stimulate us anymore we just stop doing it period. It just ends abruptly because we mainly do it to stimulate our mind and actually calms it down for us. I have also always buried my feelings down deep because I was bullied and teased most of my life. Having A.D.D is like this: your mind is a sports car, it goes 1000 miles per minute in a 1000 different directions and it has no brakes to stop itself. So when we get something that we find stimulating , we do it until it is not anymore , then we just stop and move onto something else to stimulate us so our A.D.D .  It is one of our many different struggles we do every minute of every second we are awake. And as you can see, I also explain things a lot and in great detail . This I do because I struggle with understanding people so I think that I will not be able to express myself right to everyone and to make sure everyone knows what I am trying to say. LOL , even that explanation was overkill. Sorry everyone. I cried some last night while laying on the mattress, I am afraid I was lose her forever. I have spend the  last 21 years of my life with her, we have only had each other for the last 10 years of it.. And everything we have been through, her family messing her up like mine did to me(it happened to her 2 years ago). I said sorry to her for hurting her feelings. I have not did something romantic or make up for her because I just don't want to screw this up. So any ideas I will gladly take. I feel this incredible bond with her and it is hard to find someone that will just laugh when you fart in front of them. Comical interlude there , got too real almost starting crying. ok, I think it is time for me to go now before I become this whole broken down mess. Again I will leave on a good note. I am blessed because I got to read on my condition and understand myself better. May life give everyone smiles, laughter and love.