The Meme Coin Wilds: A Survival Guide to the Cryptozoological Jungle (Crypto Satire)


Welcome to the meme coin wilds.
No roadmap. No rules. Just vibes and fangs.

Out here, it’s coin versus coin.
Frogs scream at dogs.
Monkeys swing into zero.
Cats promise utility. They lie.

You didn’t stumble into a market. You wandered into a digital ecosystem of weaponized cuteness.
So before you buy another animal token named after roadkill and hope it moons, read this:

Chapter 1: Know Your Meme Beasts

🐶 The Dog Types

$DOGE, $SHIB, $FLOKI, $WIF – Loyal, volatile, pack hunters.
Can sniff out community strength. Prone to rabies during bull runs.
Pros: High virality
Cons: Pack dies if Elon stops tweeting

Warning: Never try to out-shill a Dog Army. They will find your real name.

🐸 The Frog Types

$PEPE, $PEEPO, $KEK – Amphibious shitcoin royalty.
Spawn rapidly. Thrive in toxic liquidity pools.
Experts in irony, memes, and emotional devastation.
Known to hop between chains in search of greener rugs.

Tip: If the dev profile picture is a frog in a suit… you're already too deep.

🐷 The Pig Types

$OINK, $PIG, $PIGGY – Appear cute. Smell like passive income.
Often promise staking rewards, truffle hunts, and farm-based APR.
Eventually wander into the slaughterhouse known as PancakeSwap.

Survival Strategy: Ride the hype, but never follow a pig past its first candle.

🐵 The Monkey Types

$BANANA, $APE, $MONK  – Loud, fast-moving, arb-swinging tokens.
Like to pump, scream “wen Lambo,” then throw their wallets.
Half the community thinks it’s satire. The other half thinks they’re early.

Red Flag: If the roadmap includes “build a zoo,” assume you’re the exhibit.

🐱 The Cat Types

$MEOW, $NYAN, $PURR – Stealthy, smug tokens.
Always appear bullish and aloof. Tend to vanish when volume drops.
Will “accidentally burn supply” then show up 2 weeks later on Solana with a new name.

Don’t chase the cat. The cat isn’t chasing you. It’s just farming you.

Chapter 2: Navigating the Terrain

  • The Dog Dunes – High volume. High noise. The sand is made of influencers.

  • The Frog Swamp – Deep liquidity pockets. Thick memes. Croak carefully.

  • The Hog Holler – Where yield goes to die. Echoes of old Discords live here.

  • The Catacombs – Stealth launches. Mysterious whitepapers. Gas fees echo forever.

Chapter 3: Survival Tips for the Meme Coin Jungle

  • Never buy a coin with more than 4 animals in its name
    (ex: “FlokiPepeHamCatInu” is a trap disguised as innovation)

  • If the liquidity is locked “forever,” ask who has the keys to the forever

  • Chart look like a mountain? Good. Chart look like a Dorito? Run.

  • DYOR means “Don’t Yield On Rugs”

  • If someone says “This is different,” it’s not. They just bought the top.

🐾 How to Track a Meme Beast in the Wild

Meme Beasts are elusive creatures. To track them, follow these signs:

  • Sudden Twitter activity with 12 hashtags and 0 context

  • Medium articles that begin with things like, “Dear Shibizens”

  • Liquidity spikes followed by eerie stillness

  • Airdrops where you only receive a PDF and good vibes

  • “New Utility Coming Soon” that has been coming since 2021

🧭 What to Pack in Your Meme Coin Survival Kit

  • Slippage Gloves – Never enter a trade without 'em.

  • Emotional Stop-Loss Goggles – Blocks tears and Reddit.

  • Portable Chart Torch – So you can find the trend in the dark.

  • Shill-Repellent Spray – Temporarily neutralizes hype tweets.

  • Goblin Compass – Spins randomly, but it feels right.

  • Rug Sensor – Beeps when the dev wallet moves. Screams when it’s too late.

  • Lucky JPEG – Doesn’t protect you, but hey, it’s tradition.

🧪 Meme Coin Red Flags (Field-Tested in the Wild)

Not all beasts in the meme jungle are worth taming. Here's what to look out for:

  • Dev is “anonymous but trustworthy.” Translation: You’ll never find him after launch.

  • Tokenomics include “magic burn loops.” If it sounds like a potion recipe, it’s a curse.

  • The Discord is 9,000 people and zero messages. You just entered a haunted server.

  • Roadmap says: “1. Launch. 2. Moon. 3. Netflix deal.”

  • Liquidity is locked—but the locker was built by the dev’s cousin.

  • Team denies all rugs by saying, “This was a social experiment.”

If you spot more than two of these on the same project, back away slowly.
Do not engage. Do not meme.
Just turn off Twitter and wash your wallet.

Final Thoughts from the Crypto Jungle

You don’t invest in meme coins. You go on a safari.
Sometimes you find treasure. Sometimes you get eaten by a frog in a hoodie.
And sometimes…
Sometimes you become one with the meme.
You stop asking “why” and start asking “wen.”

Welcome to the jungle, degen.
Pack snacks. Set slippage.
And remember—the animals are always watching.

Goblin Guide Tip:

“It’s not about the gains. It’s about the friends you lost in the $PEPE woods.”

How do you rate this article?

10


Crypto Goblin
Crypto Goblin

I'm A.B. Gobling - The Crypto Goblin. Let's get weird.


A.B. Goblings Crypto and Dividends
A.B. Goblings Crypto and Dividends

Cursed crypto satire and parody pieces by A.B. Gobling. And More!

Send a $0.01 microtip in crypto to the author, and earn yourself as you read!

20% to author / 80% to me.
We pay the tips from our rewards pool.