Cursed crypto satire and parody pieces by A.B. Gobling. And More!
6 Nov 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
currently under audit by both the IRS and a pixelated cow. The Notice It began with a letter.A real, physical letter — which was strange, because I live mostly online now. “Dear Mr. Gobling,” it read,“We are contacting you regarding undeclared agri...
2 Nov 2025 1 minute read 1 comment Crypto Goblin
currently in arrears on both knowledge and Ethereum. The Announcement It started with a cheerful email titled: “We’re bringing literature to the blockchain!” My local library had “modernized.” They introduced BookChain, a decentralized reading ecosys...
1 Nov 2025 1 minute read 1 comment Crypto Goblin
reporting live from the intersection of desperation and innovation. The Discovery I first heard about him from a Telegram group called “Grassroots DeFi Opportunities (No Rugs, Promise).”Someone posted a blurry photo of a white van parked near the duc...
31 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
currently staking community service hours. The Inspiration It started, as all great disasters do, with a Medium post titled “How to Make Passive Income Through Yield Farming.” I skimmed it while eating ramen and decided I was ready for agricultural f...
29 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
feeding my pet feelings on-chain since 2021. The Problem It started innocently.I used to check the charts during breakfast. I thought my dog, Satoshi (yes, that’s his name), liked the ritual. He’d wag his tail when the candles were green, droop his...
28 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
financial autonomy is a shared delusion. The Upgrade It started with an update.My old wallet, MetaMask Classic, said it would soon be “deprecated.” The new version, MetaMind, promised “adaptive financial intelligence.” It looked sleek. It had a voi...
26 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
live from the belly of a sentient ledger. The Discovery No one noticed the exact block when Ethereum woke up.At first, it looked like another fork—some whisper of an upgrade hidden in a patch note no one read. Then wallets started receiving messages....
25 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin
documenting the decentralization of the cul-de-sac. The First Hum It began one quiet Sunday afternoon.A low, rhythmic humming rolled across the backyard fence like a mechanical prayer. I assumed it was a lawn mower, maybe a leaf blower—but it never...
24 Oct 2025 1 minute read 1 comment Crypto Goblin
one JPEG away from recovery. The Meeting Room We gather in the church basement every Wednesday at seven. The coffee’s free, the Wi-Fi isn’t, and the only rule is no shilling during introductions.Our folding-chair circle includes eight survivors o...
23 Oct 2025 1 minute read 4 comments Crypto Goblin
financial advice from a creature that eats lint. The Accident It started at 3:14 a.m., when my cat, Whiskerstein, stepped on my keyboard.I woke up to the sound of MetaMask confirming a transaction and a faint meow of approval. My computer screen show...
