Yesterday, we hosted the first family dinner since our niece passed away New Year's Eve Day. There were eight of us, including her parents and brother. My husband and I were very tense and feeling the stress of not knowing what to expect with respect to their emotional state and worried about reacting in a way that was not supportive or helpful.  I was truly surprised at how well her mom and brother were dealing with all of this. I don't think I would be doing as well as they seem to be.

After they arrived, the family had gathered in our living room, we all sat around and talked before we ate. My sister-in-law told us why our niece had passed. Unfortunately, it was a condition that was one of those undetected, one in a million things. It's comforting to know what happened because your mind can create unwanted scenarios. She was a very bright star that lived life to the fullest and burned out far too soon.  She will be missed by many.   It was such a blessing we got to see her over the holidays. She is never actually here for Christmas day. This was a first, so we are very grateful that happened.

My husband had made a pot of ham and bean soup (you have to use those left over ham bones sometime or they languish in the freezer) and I made some beer bread from mixes I had left over from the holidays. Yeah, calories were going out the window today. And it really is okay.  Like Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Today I wasn't going to worry about my calorie count. I could have stuck to my diet, because there was a salad, and I had some grilled chicken in the refrigerator I could have put on the salad and just eaten that, but I decided that joining everyone by eating the same meal was a show of support. I have no idea why I felt that way. I guess maybe because there was nothing I could do to help the situation but doing this felt like support.

However.... I wasn't going to use this as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted to in large quantities, either. I think it's called balance, and it's good training for being on a maintenance type of diet.

There were individual sized (they were bigger than that really) lava cakes my mother-in-law brought for dessert. She had gotten four microwave lava cake mixes with pint-sized soup cups in a gift exchange and wanted to make them so they would not expire before she had another opportunity. Yeah, I ate some of that, too, along with some beer bread, soup and salad.  

There were some other left-over dessert items from the New Year's Eve game night that never happened. Everything was about comfort.  It was a meal of soup, beer bread, cheesey bread, salad, pumpkin empanadas, blueberry goat cheese crescent rolls, and chocolate lava cakes. All carb-y and bready. It was definitely a comfort food type of gathering. And we all needed it.  I had one of everything, for sure. And that is okay.

No one really ate a lot, which is to be expected (except maybe me and my husband).   There were some sad moments at the table. Especially with my sister-in-law, our niece's mom.  Dinner was quiet and any humor that arose was appropriate and welcome.  We all got through it, though, which was good. 

I will tell you I logged my breakfast that day in my food app but nothing else that day. I was overwhelmed and sad and felt so out of my element that I decided it wasn't worth it to sit down and try to remember everything I noshed on after everyone had left. I did my best that day given the circumstances, I'm okay with that. 

It doesn't matter how old we are, I think the death of anyone we are connected to is hard for people to deal with. I'm 60 years old, have been through the death of my parents, both sets of grandparents, 10 of my aunts and uncles, some cousins, my father-in-law, a childhood playmate when I was eleven years old, some high school friends, and some people I've worked with. It doesn't get easier. 

Today I realized something that I'd never thought about before. It occurred to me that the one thing that is not severed upon death is our relationships with another person. That emotional connection survives death. It is still felt long after death.  Maybe you disagree with this, but I still feel connected emotionally to people who have been in my life that have passed. It could be that I'm having an existential crisis.

I guess this brings me to the realization of how important it is to preserve and improve the human relationships in our lives. Sometimes we let bullshit impact a relationship when truly, it doesn't really matter. I've done this and I do this. I keep coming back to the fact that something that can survive death really has to be important and is worth preserving, isn't it?

In closing, I'd like to suggest that if you have relationships in your life that need work (or need to be severed), don't wait. You might not want them to survive death in the state they are in right now. I'm going to work harder on my own relationships as well. This can be another burden that you can remove from your shoulders, which can help you on this weight loss journey.  Let's make our emotional load as light as possible. 

Taking stock of day seven:

Stayed under my calorie count (good thing considering yesterday)

Went to the gym and worked out on the elliptical machine for one hour and six minutes and did some abs work.

(photo courtesy of zettfoto) My niece loved butterflies..