I know this post is not directly about weight loss, but so many things impact our eating habits and the emotions that impact dieting and weight loss that I feel it's worthy to talk about all the extraneous stuff in our lives that impact weight loss, and alas, emotional health is one of them.

This fall has been extremely busy and challenging for me. If you've read some of my other posts, you know my husband broke his heel while we were at our summer camp and this fall has revealed a lot of my character in the face of adversity. Some of it I am proud of, and some of it I am not.  It was very sobering to consider how I would handle him being permanently incapacitated.  I give myself mixed reviews.

Along with this personal challenge are other challenges that extend beyond our home. Our extended family living close by has grown as a relative by marriage convinced two of their siblings to move to where we all live (I have previously mentioned our 'family compound' with my husband and his two siblings living next door.) This has changed our family dynamic somewhat, mostly in a good way.  But my fantasies of living and bonding with family, having a Kum ba yah existence, have now been completely squashed. 

You see, I forgot one basic fact about humanity. Everyone has their demons and emotional baggage.  Sometimes we can embrace other people and help them carry, and maybe overcome, some of that baggage (my sister and I do this for each other), but sometimes we cannot, no matter how much we want to try.  Sometimes the only way is out. 

I don't want to write a reddit-worthy, AITA account of our growing family dynamic drama here because it serves no purpose.  My goal is to talk about finding a way to have some peace in our lives and feeling brave enough to do what it takes to achieve that.  Since what happened recently has led to this dramatic decision, it's important to understand a little bit of what led us to this decision. 

Our Christmas festivities with family plus out of town relatives concluded on a very bad note, with my daughter telling me that it was so upsetting and stressful that she doesn't want to come back here. We also feel that the other out of town relatives feel the same way, but they actually never said it out loud.  I think I was willing to endure all the drama in the family until my baby told me that. That was really the last straw. My own daughter being so upset and stressed about what was going on here that she was telling me she didn't want to come visit her parents, the parents that go skiing with her, go on adventures with her. The parents that she enjoys hanging out with. All because someone intentionally chose to be upset and cause drama because they weren't able to be the boss of an impromptu last-minute event and control what was happening. 

My knee-jerk reaction to this situation at the time was to 'try and fix it' with this relative any way I could. I realized the next day that has ALWAYS been my knee jerk reaction with respect to this relative. At the time, nothing I said to this person worked and I found myself upset in the bathroom of the restaurant we were all at. It wasn't even ME who the relative was mad at but apparently, I was guilty of trying to defend the person they were mad at, which I now realize was pointless. This person made the choice to be upset and was determined to stay that way.

My daughter was mad at the relative who upset me, and she got upset because she saw how hurt I was and felt the night was ruined. She later pointed out that this type of thing has been going on for a while with respect to this relative. Later on that same night, after we had left the restaurant to hang out at a bar and have a few drinks, another family member was trying to explain about the upset relative, saying they were very sensitive and had been since childhood and no one can ever intentionally say anything to upset this person. Well, I would never INTENTIONALLY say anything. UNINTENTIONALLY? Absolutely it will happen, and I will feel bad and apologize. A split second later, my brain, even after two beers and two margaritas, figured out what she was really saying. You must not upset this person... ever. Intentional or unintentional didn't matter. The family member also explained that you should just ignore and pretend it didn't happen, and the person would eventually forgive and forget.  

Wait a minute......

So, the assumption would always be that if that person felt hurt, the intent of the 'perpetrator' was hurtful, therefore that 'perpetrator' would always be required to make amends, no matter if what was said or did was actually hurtful, or if what was said or done was unintentional? 

No one should ever be in a relationship with that kind of pressure. I'm horrified that I had no idea how bad the situation had become.

The next day, we met with the relative who had unintentionally upset the person, and we discussed the answer to this question: "Do we really want to be held emotional hostages to this on a regular basis and accept the consequences of remaining in this situation, which would include other family members choosing not to come visit here, and us worrying over what we said and did at every single large family event?"

Remember this:  "What you are not changing, you are choosing."

In order to find my own peace, I had to remind myself that:

1.  My happiness cannot depend upon another person. I have joy within, and I have to find it for myself. 

2.  Someone else's happiness cannot depend upon me.  Just like me, they have to find their own joy within.

3.  I am not responsible for what someone chooses to believe when I have told them the truth. They are choosing to believe what they believe. 

4.  Just because someone says I hurt their feelings, doesn't necessarily mean I said or did something hurtful. Their filter is not my filter. 

5.  Admitting it, when I have said something hurtful or when I am wrong, and/or apologizing when I need to, creates a powerful bond and a lot of trust in a relationship. 

6.  True repentance for bad behavior means never, ever repeating that behavior again.

7.  It's always okay to say 'no' to a request and I am NOT required to provide a reason, even when one is demanded. 

8.  Since I am legally an adult, NO ONE has the right to control my environment with asking and gaining my permission. 

9.  No one has the right to hold me emotionally hostage with their own emotional baggage. My boundaries are as important as theirs.

10. If a relationship with someone is causing me to be physically, mentally, or emotionally unhealthy, it's more than okay to walk away from that relationship, no matter who or what the relationship is.

I think number 10 is probably the hardest realization of all. 

I must say I'm discouraged because my 'fantasy' of kum ba yah didn't pan out. We moved here four years ago with high hopes and the thought of moving again depresses me.  Especially since I'd have to pack again, and property values have gone up so much.   

Things will not change overnight, or even in the next few months, or maybe not even in the next year. My husband's mom is 87 and lives nearby. She is overjoyed to have us all near her so we will not be stealing what remaining joy she has left in her life. This means we won't be leaving anytime soon, but now that I have peace about what needs to happen, and what will eventually happen, we can figure out a way to co-exist until we can take the next step to find peace, knowing that there is an end.  We have a plan and that gives me hope.  I can be intentional about finding peace until then.

Please don't put off finding your peace in 2025!