What happens when I live a life of perception, not one of completion; of manipulation, not communication? What happens when I live the persona, and not my life? I struggle to create, maintain, and even retain after attack a mere facade that looks nothing like who I really am. Ultimately, it's like the hollow facade of a shopping center. The only structure causing it to retain its shape is a wire mesh onto which is applied plaster and texture. Kick it, or even strike it with your palm, and it crumbles revealing the mesh.

I create this facade. I tell you who I want you to think I am. I am this all-wise personality whose friends range from celebrities to politicians, from bankers to university professors, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. I am smart and well-researched, handsome and well-known, and the flames on either side of the stage create quite the spectacle.

But Toto is not as innocuous as I had once thought. It's always the things that I assume are insignificant that pose the greatest threat, and someone failed to keep that damned cairn terrier in the basket . . . and now it has exposed me. Now what?

Now I have to do whatever I can to control the damage. Man, this is getting tiring. I've gone from leisurely flying in on a hot air balloon, to passively embracing the fantasy title of wizard, to frantically pumping levers and turning knobs while screaming into a microphone behind a satin curtain that I hope no one notices. Who knew that living a persona could be so exhausting?

But that's just the thing. If I have to control other people through perception, I am the one that ultimately loses freedom. I am not in control, those I try to control are. I am not in power, those I attempt to deceive are in power; for power only exists where exist ways to use it.

There is a scene in the movie 8 Mile (2002) in which Eminem is facing the ultimate challenge. In an underground rap battle, he has been through many bouts with several rappers. After confronting and defeating his nervousness he has absolutely destroyed his opponents in a sport wherein participants must troll each other with well-crafted rhythmic insults that demand a vote from the audience. Eminem has dominated the scene up until this, his defining battle. In this environment the audience holds power over the performer, a power that is handed to them by the opponent. So what does Eminem do when facing off with a man who intends – and has the capacity – to destroy him? He lays bare everything this man intended to use against him.

Eminem exposed every weakness and every flaw he had not only to the crowd, but also to the opponent – even some things that he probably didn't know. This to me was a chilling scene, and one that inspired me. Eminem took the position that his identity was not dependent upon what people thought of him, but on whether or not he had the skill to fulfill his dream. And so he laid himself bare . . . before eviscerating his opponent. He took his own power away from the audience, away from his opponent, away from his enemies, and away from everyone by declaring himself the most superficially unqualified – yet by the same time substantially qualified – to stand before a crowd of critics and speak his mind.

It was his opponent, the one who had power over every other rapper who hid behind their facades, who walked away from a man who bore out the substance that gave shape and solidity to the facade. This moment told me a lot about the difference between perception and reality. This moment that demonstrates the superiority of the substance over the superficial. It demonstrated that Eminem was not basing his identity on the approval of the crowd, or even on his accomplishment, but on his value structure. He looked within himself to see if his ego was really worth fighting for, and if the power he wanted was really something that lay with the opinions of a few guys with whom he likely would never really spend any time, or if it lay within himself.

What does it mean to “live the persona”? When who you are is hidden beneath the image you present for the approval of others, when you identify with what you hope others might call you, when the truth of who you are and the mistakes you have made intimidates you, when you must maintain a fictional version of a fantasy in order to hold some influence over people to whom you would never expose your most personal life, this is living the scripted persona.

My next post, entitled The Creature and the Cloak, begins a short succession that reveals the role of Fear in our struggle with who we are. Stay Tuned.