The Father as a Parent
The parental unit is a team, agreeing upon the foundational values that help the child establish and understand who they are, and then implementing a plan to collaborate with each other and with the child in the solidification of those values and principles as a permanent identity. The implementation of that plan requires patience, observation, adaptation, communication, and orderliness in order to be successful. Absent any of these elements, and the entire value structure is fragile. If ever one wanted to change the world, this is that one opportunity.
It is the father's job to provide emotional stability within the family unit. Where the mother provides an example of empathy and compassion, the father provides a context wherein those traits are utilized for maximum effectiveness in everyday life. A father does not exert control or dominance over a child or the mother, but provides an example of self-control, and adherence to principles in any given scenario. The presence of both parents ensures that the child learns to be as adaptive as necessary within the confines of an unassailable principle structure.
The key here is the collaboration. Children are not stupid, they're just inexperienced. Even so, they have a natural wisdom that sees what we as adults do not. So, returning them to their rightful place as a part of the family ensures that they have a greater opportunity to work with the parents to gain the needed experience and ensure a peaceful integration into society that finally reflects well on the parents. Domination of the child does not yield these results, neither does neglecting discipline. The integration into the family as a part of it, rather than apart from it, teaches the child an essential part of the identity: honor as a trait.
My dad vehemently demands that the child honor the parent. Of course his basis for this accurately lies in scripture, but his definition of honor (as an act, not as a trait) has more to do with subservience than with respect. While there is nothing wrong with the child serving his parents, such service is to be done out of love and not fear. When my daughter gives me a gift, or helps her mother clean up, she does it because she loves us, not because she is afraid that we would retaliate if she doesn't.
Remember always this phrase: Children do what they see. So if you demand service at the threat of pain, then you not only instill fear, but you also display fear. In this way you demonstrate to your children that fear becomes the impetus of the adult. That demonstration, of course, leads your child to be motivated by fear in their actions – not only through habitual employment, but through imitation. What does this have to do with honoring the parent? Fear leads to resentment; out of resentment is born cruelty.
If you demand fear from your child, then you shun respect, and your child returns cruelty to you. Children do what they see. So, if I want my child to respect me, I have to show my child what that looks like. Therefore, I approach my child with the principle, “Honor your children, and they will honor you.” I show her how I want to be treated by giving her a place in my family. In doing so, I teach her how to treat her own child when that time comes.
Since I have worked with her mother to determine and establish a value structure that combines those most useful from her family with those most useful from mine, then I show my daughter how she is to interact with her husband when that time comes. All of this comes together to demonstrate the fullness of the familial structure – in its most effective form – in Honor, wisdom, Truth, knowledge, compassion, and decency.
Next week I will briefly show how a father become an example.
