I want to draw attention back to two of the scriptures I mentioned in Sins of the Father, part four, and try to expand a bit. Again, with respect to those who do not believe in God or are not religious, please understand that this is simply a philosophical discussion of principles, not an attempt at evangelism nor a debate on the veracity of the scriptures.

In the bonus scripture that I mentioned, (1 Kings 15:1-3) it is noted that Abijah committed all the sins of his father. He committed all the sins of his father. Hope lies within sin. That means that our behavior is nested in a decision, and that decision gives us hope.

The Hope in our Choices

On one of the major streets in Houston, Westheimer, there is a fork. If you're driving in the right lane and are unaware of that fork, you will suddenly find yourself on West Alabama while the rest of traffic leaves you. Now, you're alone, in unfamiliar territory, with unfamiliar patterns manifesting themselves around you. Now, you go into survivor mode as you start looking for all the different ways that things can go wrong.

Let's equate that to our tendencies as parents to simply “do” parenting. My child is developing behavioral traits of the ideological hood girl. Were that me, I would find myself berated, belittled, even beaten and publicly humiliated. If I had spoken to my mother the way she has spoken to hers, I wonder if I would have been able to sit down for a month due only to my father's egotistical rage and fear. So, in a hypothesis, I just “do” parenting. I react in anger at my child. Now, I'm in unfamiliar territory . . . and alone.

But, now that you've been down that road a couple of times, you now know where the fork is and what happens at that fork. Now you know that you can move over one lane, and stay on Westheimer.

So, when I see my child acting out personality traits that resemble ideological hood girls, I do not react, but rather I respond. I consider that she is an individual, and even at the age of ten is developing her own individual personality. The only thing I want her to hold to is the values. I do not confront her with the superficial aspects of “we don't use those hand gestures, or that parlance,” but rather “does the idea being promoted in that music hold up to the principles that we value?”, and then let her find the answer for herself while I overtly demonstrate those chosen principles. In this way do I work with her, not against her, in the development of her individuality as a substantial identity that operates within the value structure to which I hold, while at the same time allowing her to select and work in her preferences and opinions. She can listen to rap if she likes it, but consider the lyrics and the principles they promote. She can gesticulate or talk how she likes, but consider what those gestures represent and compare them to the principles of Honor, wisdom, Truth, compassion, and decency.

Hope lies within the sin. If I commit the sins of my father, then it is my decision to either continue or to abate. In other words, every action is the result of a decision. Think back to a time when you were so angry that you acted out in rage. Go to the moment before you acted out. You made a decision, didn't you? If you decided to act out, do you think it possible to decide not to? Now go back further. Go to the moment before you got angry. You made a decision to get angry didn't you? If you made a decision to get angry, do you think it possible to decide not to? If you are not aware of the choice, then the choice makes you; once you are aware of the choice, you can then make the choice.

Here's the hope: that I decide to act impulsively when faced with a scenario with which I am unfamiliar. So when my daughter does something of which I disapprove, I am faced with the opportunity to change the familial behavior. If I choose to act out the associated impulses that I learned from my father (or mother), then I have failed to take advantage of that opportunity. When I come to the fork in the road, and I do not remember the experiences I had as a child, then I find myself alone on West Alabama where paranoia runs high.

Forbid Not the Poison

So, when I consider everything that went wrong in my childhood, I never say, “I'll never act like that.” I do not forbid rage. I do not forbid anger. I do not forbid frustration. Rather, I ask myself – again – why those impulses are trying to assert themselves, and if there is a more effective way to act as a parent. Forbidding behavior only makes it more attractive. So, if I forbid rage, then I become enraged. Therefore I choose, instead, to analyze the scenario and act according to my findings.