Hi Everyone,

Good afternoon, I wanted to try and write a quick post before the hectic day really sets in. I'll be honest, I haven't been doing very well. I'm not well neither physically nor mentally. 
Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a very long time. I was in emotional distress all day and throughout the night. Even this morning as I've woken up I haven't been able to stop the tears from flowing. It's beginning to become difficult to breathe, to cope with everything around me. 
My Grandma hasn't been doing well. She's been on hospice for a few weeks now, but she has quickly declined like never before, all previous measures used to perk her back up have failed and her organs are now shutting down and she's slipping. The hospice nurses came yesterday to check in on her condition, they informed Mamma and I that we have anywhere from three to seven days left with my Grandma. When that news dropped I could physically feel my heart shatter. 
All of the grief I've been holding in over the last year from January 2022 and the loss of my Papa, to the loss of my Uncle at the end of 2022, to my Great Grandma being at the end of her life as well and now my Grandma Rosemary, losing my best friend. I had lost my final glimmer of light and the world instantly became pitch black. 
Anyone who has struggled with grief, especially anyone who has watched someone slowly die can relate to these feelings. It's one of the most painful feelings in  my life that I have ever experienced. 
In order to help process, to get myself through this until the end to continue caring for my Grandmother, I have the non-denominational clergy coming over here in about an hour to come sit here and talk to me. I have also made an appointment with my psychiatrist for tomorrow. I'm very lucky they were able to squeeze me in so last minute, I feel truly grateful. 
This has been something that will stick with me for the rest of my life and into the next. It's something I'm going to need to take time to rest and process over once it's all over. I don't see myself taking this well as I've already begun breaking down. I see a very large mental breakdown in my future and I'm only now getting a taste of it. I'm honestly terrified. 
This is a feeling I've never felt on this level before. I've never witnessed someone die, watching them fade more and more each and every single day. Watching that light in their eyes dim out. But at the end of the day I know I was here for my Grandmother, I'm so grateful that I got to spend these last four months with her. Every day. Getting to make more memories with my favorite person in the whole world. My Grandma has been my best friend my entire life. Losing her will be losing a piece of my soul. 
I've done everything I can, I've taken the world's best care that I could possibly do. Now Mamma and I are keeping her comfortable. Doing what we can to make this process as peaceful for her as possible. 
The family hasn't been there the way they should have been. They haven't reacted to this situation in any sort of helpful or beneficial way. They've deeply caused more pain to the situation. I've been under so much stress so I can only imagine how much stress and anxiety all of this has caused to my Grandmother. 
But I will not leave my Grandma. No matter how hard this is for me, I simply can't, I won't. Leaving my Grandma in the very end is not an option. She deserves better than that. She deserves to be shown just how loved she is. Just how much she has impacted my life. I truly love her with all of my heart. My gorgeous Grandmother. 
Times are very rough right now, life is not something I feel like being an active participating member of at the moment. I simply don't have it in me to do so. I'm not doing well enough. 
Physically this has been so rough on my body. I have never been so sick in my life. The stress is eating at me and my autoimmune diseases. My heart condition is causing me many issues. I'm fatigued beyond belief, my brain is so fogged and glazed over and the pain I'm experiencing throughout my entire body is excruciating. I'm simply tired. 
I'm grateful to have this platform, to have a place to put my writing. Even if no one reads, I have a way of looking back, of remembering. This is a very beneficial outlet for me that I'm truly appreciative of having. I'm hoping to use this outlet more as I go through this and start the healing process from all of this pain. Both physically and mentally. Right now the despair and sorrow I feel is so deep that I can't see any hope. I can't see any light. But I want to come out on the other side and live my life in a way that would make my Grandma Rosemary and my Papa Ricky proud. They deserve that. 

Thank you for listening <3

Love, 

Salem