My first kiss after 29 years of marriage with a young stud, 10 years younger than me, would come to have nearly fatal consequences, but more about that later.

In my previous posts I wrote about how I came into the dating market, and my thoughts about it, but I don’t think I have described the anxiety about the thought of kissing a new man.

For 29 years I have not kissed another man on the lips, because that of course would be adultery and not okay. My view on relationships and love and sex at that point were pretty black and white. I have had some offers, and I must admit that at some point I was really close to do something stupid with a colleague, but I came to my senses, and it stopped before it even begun.

Another time I had a severe crush on another colleague, who never knew about it. Back then I re-found my devotion to my husband, and all was good again. 29 years is a long time, so even if I kind of feel bad about these 2 incidents, I assume all marriages have their issues.

Anyway … I went on the date with Mr. Redhaired Young Stud. We went out for dinner on an Italian restaurant, and he was really fun and sweet. We talked pretty good together despite the initial awkwardness and my current blabbering brain, which tried to interfere with my conversational skills. It tends to do this. My brain has its own life and speaks VERY loud from time to time. It can be totally annoying and potentially embarrassing, if I don’t pay attention to what comes out of my mouth.

After dinner we went out for a walk, talked and had fun, and eventually we came back to my car. There my brain went overboard again. “Do you think we should kiss now? Does he want to? Do YOU want to? Maybe? He is cute. But young. But those lips? They look nice. And soft. But here? Can anybody see us? Couldn’t it be fun if somebody I knew saw me kissing this young dude. Oh my God, can I even remember how? And do I dare?”

At that point I made one decision which follows me to this day. I am too old to be held back by social awkwardness, shyness and self-conscience. No more of that! All it took was 2 seconds of courage and surely, I could overcome that. If I want something, I should go for it.

So, I looked at him, he smiled, and I asked if he wanted to kiss me. He nodded and smiled his dimple faced smile. So cute! I stepped forward and kissed him softly on his lips.

My brain: “Oh my God! This is wrong, this is adultery. This is not right. But oh so … nice …”

I felt like a teenager, and I was 46 years old, dammit. We kissed for a while, and then I drove home. Smiling from ear to ear and with a bubbly feeling inside. This was FUN! I LIKED dating. I wasn’t in love, not even close, but the feelings it sparked .... I felt alive again.

For the next date I invited him over for dinner, and granted, our messages became hotter until we were able to meet. I was still afraid that my physical issues would be a problem, but again … he was sweet, and would give me all the time in the world, he said. We would take it slow and careful. We both new that this was not a love-relationship, and probably never would be, but just two adults spending quality time together. And it was fine, I was definitely not in the market for a new boyfriend.

After dinner we sat in my couch, and I was sooo embarrassingly shy and didn’t know what to do. He teased me a lot about it, and eventually he took charge of the situation, which I was pretty thankful for, we ended up in the bedroom, and …

I won’t come into details here, it is a nice site, and you people come from different cultures, so I don’t know how easily you get embarrassed and offended but let me just say two things.

I didn’t know a **** could point THAT way and the sex was just … mediocre.

I know I am partly to blame for that, because I was still not that liberated and also both a bit nervous and curious about how everything would feel. I takes two to make good sex and I wasn’t quite there, and apparently, we didn’t really match each other.

On the plus side!! And that was a major plus! I didn’t seem to freeze up and yes, there were some issues and anxieties but all in all … I wasn’t kicked back to start, which was the thing I was most afraid of.

He went home, and we agreed to see each other again, but with same mediocre result and the joy of not being handicapped on the sex-part was beginning to darken with the thought that maybe I just never would be able to have sparkly sex.

I finished it and said I didn’t think that we should see each other again.

But I decided on two important things during this phase with Mr. Redhaired Young Stud.

• I would never again hold back in a situation where all it takes is 2 seconds of courage. Just speak your mind and don’t risk letting something potentially good slip away, because you are too shy to react.
• Secondly … I would no longer let the daterape define my sexuality. It had done that for 31 years, and no more of that. I would overcome what ever barriers there were and take my sexuality into my own hands. Explore my body and what it was able to do.

The second part was relatively easy for me to say. My heart bleeds for victims of sexual predators, and there are people out there that are scarred severely for life, and which have been through inhuman things. My experience in comparison is insignificant and I can’t even remotely begin to feel what these people have gone through. I just hope that they can find a way to move on despite the hurt.

I promised in my last post to tell you about at least 2 things that you never would guessed could have happened.

First thing … after a year or so, he wrote out of the blue for a booty call. I was in a dry spot and thought what the h***. I was a different place then, and thought maybe it would be different, so I gave it a go.

We had fun, catched up on our good conversations, but when we finally ended in bed, we lay there … naked, kissing … and suddenly he started to talk about the Einstein’s relativity theory, black holes in the universe, astronomers and what not. I kid you not. There was also talk of prime numbers and pi.

I was stunned … I laid there next to him. Naked. And he just kept going on and on and on and on … First my brain tried to put it on me. I was not attractive enough etc., but then I shut it down. And then I shut him down and threw him out.

Funnily enough he wrote to me a couple of months back, asking if we should hook up. Eeeh … no? Don’t you remember what happened last time, Mr. Redhaired Young Stud? ;-) He admitted that it maybe had been a bit awkward and apologized.

So let me hear your comments. Have you EVER tried laying in bed with somebody, expecting to hook up, and then get served science discussions? I bet you haven’t! :D

The second thing coming out of this encounter was NOT expected. And it is not a pregnancy. I am too old for that. ;-)

Thumbnail photo: 1tamara from Pixabay