FAIRBANKS — A coalition of Alaskan wildlife, including moose, bears, lynxes, and many other species gathered outside of the University of Alaska Fairbanks in support of climate change. The coalition, Creatures for Climate Change, argue that warmer weather is not only preferred—it’s necessary.
“It’s cold as hell up here,” growled an irate grizzly bear. “You try living in a bear hole—stark naked—eating nothing but berries and the occasional dead animal for six months.”
Creatures for Climate Change argue that a warming planet will benefit Americans of all species by way of larger crop yields and more hospitable weather.
The UN’s latest IPCC report predicts substantial crop yields in breadbasket states, such as Iowa, Idaho, and Kansas.
The coalition’s leader, a lynx missing most of his left ear, had this to say about humans who oppose their protest.
“They are short-sighted, anthropocentric, and anti-American. Humans create problems and then make things worse with their so-called solutions. First, they clear our forests and drill big holes to extract oil, and because that was too destructive, they turned to fracking [for oil], poisoning our rivers and lakes. And all that oil business warms the planet up, and all of us in Kodiak are thinking, ‘wow, awesome, finally a fuck up we can get behind.’ Now they wanna throw us back into the ice age!? How self-centered and selfish! Who in their right mind doesn’t enjoy a long summer?”
A group of human counter protesters showed up around an hour after Creatures for Climate Change began demonstrating. Tensions quickly escalated, and the human protestors—primarily UAF students—scattered after two grizzlies mauled several students. Animal control arrested the bears and ended the demonstration shortly thereafter.
