COLUMBUS—Sociologists at Ohio State University are frantically searching for the cause of the declining birthrate in the U.S. Although the cause of the decline is elusive, Susan Carlacky, the lead author of the study, says that “2008 may be a clue.”

“We see the trend starting in 2008 and it maintains a steady decline. While we are not yet sure, we hypothesize that polyamory and gun violence play an outsized role [in the declining birthrate].”

When asked if prospective parents are concerned about irresponsible trading on Wall St., the erosion of the family unit, economic recession, and a waning faith in American institutions had any bearing on the declining birthrate, Carlacky replied to The DIngo by email:

“To your question, the answer is unequivocally no… We really do believe it has more to do with a growing interest in polyamory and more gun violence. We believe that people trust our government, financial institutions, and believe in scientists to research and present accurate and unbiased information.”

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