WASHINGTON D.C. — “Honestly, you should stop drinking water,” advises EPA scientist Grant Takahara. “No classification exists” that captures the extent of the endless flow of cancer-causing chemicals, which contaminate all water sources in the continental United States.

There are thousands of carcinogenic compounds, such as atrazine, glyphosate, and uncountable varieties of PFAS [polyfluoroalkyl substances] present in every sample of groundwater and bottled water we tested. Some of these chemicals have merged into new super carcinogens that lead to mega-cancer. We cannot recommend that anyone drinks water — ever.

When asked what Americans should drink instead, Dr. Takahara tilted his head and rubbed his chin for a moment before responding:

“I guess you could drink Diet Coke. The aspartame is carcinogenic too, but it’s probably safer than anything in our water supply.”

At press time, Dr. Takahara reportedly died of undiagnosed stomach cancer, which medical examiners suspect he developed after years of drinking at least 20 bottles of Diet Coke a day.