Sirwin
Sirwin

I got the best possible version of the shittiest card.


Hey you fuckers. 👋

How's it going?😁

I've been away for a bit but I thought I'd pick right back up with the casual swearing.

Seems a good format for casual trash mouth filth talk.

What can I say, I'm a garbage person. ðŸĪ·â€â™‚ïļ

I emoji for the sake of tone, but I'm trying to get away from doing it all the damn time for every thought.. 🙄

Haha, fuckin no, seriously, let me catch you up.ðŸĪŠ

So I saw this depressing fuckin payout screen and thought it represented the entirety of my chest payout, something I paid handsomely in rentals to achieve 15 of by way of making Silver 2.

*** screenshots to come... I got sidetracked into quite the tangent, it's transgressive, I'll be honest, more crass than strictly funny. I'm not really out to offend anyone. You wouldn't know it from reading further though.***

543b0cf64c4053ec08db80e54aca39557513b429b7b7756c61d0e13beb33122b.jpg

 

Then I saw I could scroll down and BOOM ðŸ’Ĩ gold card.

Fuckin... bummer gold card though. 😕

I feel like I didn't get lucky, so much as an algorithm figured out how to reward me just enough relative to my league and how much I spent. I dunno. You tell me. In your first season chests did anybody in bronze get a fuckin whiz-bang gold foil epic titties with creme whatever legendary super ultra card? Like with the yellow bottom and it's a good one? I kinda doubt it, but that's maybe how the odds work. ðŸĪ” I dunno. Anyway, it was like: "Yay?"

***Photos of 2nd page to come, it doesn't like the file size and I thought is was just a screen grab like countless other's I pasted on previous rants****

5fee8c73e61fe7bb72b7d097b8a082cde14a96db49cb2feff2423240693d0e21.jpg

I just started, this isn't an accomplishment, this game is very much pay to win mtg meets paper rock scissors, but now that I've dumped like .. yikes.. 500 bucks? Little bit more? Into Splinterlands I almost make silver 1 in power and I've exceeded the prerequisite requirements insofar as my battle points.

 

If this sounds like gobbledygook to you, first of all, don't be racist.

Secondly, here's my affiliate link for this crypto game I put some of my recent Shiba Inu profits in.

https://splinterlands.com?ref=cryptolord007

I'm doing gangbusters on, like, the most retarded investments. ðŸĪĢ

I wish I had real cash to gamble because I have some instinct or something. I don't know. It's hard NOT to make money on crypto this year, the year I got into it. I know that, but seriously I just put all my liquidity into a dog meme currency, I swear to God, the NIGHT before Elon fuckin twitted a photo of his Shiba Inu and the couple grand I had, had became 8 the next day.

I don't even follow the tweets the kids are doing with the snapchat Instagrams and shoving vodka soaked tampons up their assholes.

I'm past the age of understanding youth, to the point I no longer envy it. Ya know? No offense, but to me, just to me, everyone under 30 years old is fucking retarded.

Hahaha. Yeah. I said it. Like downs syndrome retarded. The bowl cut, beady little eyes... Jesus Christ, that's really offensive. God, I'm sorry, that got away from me a little bit.

Zounds, we're it not for this policy I have about erasing jokes.

I don't fully stand by that one. That retard stuff, it's hacky. That's it's primary offense. Easy. Too easy. Punching down too. Why I actually like the goofy-goofers as I call them. I think it's ok because when I was around 11, my mom and I taught Sunday school to a classroom full of em.

When I say, "taught Sunday school" I mean.. they weren't exactly picking up a lot of the details, if you catch my drift. Rather than Sunday School they could have just called it Drool Wiping 101.

We had fun though and those fucked up kids are like, big hearted and crap. Dogs are my favorite being on the planet anyway. Not to conflate the two, but there's a pure hearteness that comes from an intellectual deficit met with a profoundy transparent raw emotionality. They both wear everything on their sleeves.

 

Shit.

 

That was a weird left turn for me too.

In my defense I told my one buddy who's actually kinda a real comic, (if I can get him under this games thrall I'm gonna make mad $$ off of the 5% referral incentive, boy howdy..)

Anyway, I told him I was going to get more and more bat-shit terrible and weird with this thing, because I think it's funny.

(I don't have a lot going on in my life, I'll be honest..)

Anyway, I kinda had to usher us into the next level here. 

If I'm to keep my promise.

Hence all the R-Word stuff...

 

 

Hey, I love everybody. 

Just, upon meeting a person, I like them.

They have to make me not like them.

I don't care what they 'are' but that means I really don't care what they are. I have prejudices borne from experience, like everyone else on the planet. Personally I think the prejudices are funny. There's a lot of comics who base their entire shtick on that fact.

One of the best being Dave Chappell. Norm Macdonald, (I don't know if I've mentioned him on my blog before..) Anyway, Norm was great at pointing out the absurdity of fact. I gotta remind myself to post that link to his archives on here for you guys.

Oh. Dude. If you're a Norm Macdonald fan or have yet to fall wondrous victim to his siren song, have I the present for you!

Some beautiful bastard linked this under a Norm video, like years ago and I've devoured it as much as any media hense. This is his original podcast in its entirety. It was once available on YouTube so I guess it falls under public domain or whatever oligarchy workaround FUCK THE OLIGARCHY btw.

Fuckin fuckers lowered the tax bracket and I gotta look into that shit now. Any boot heel to keep the fuckin poor down, I tell ya. Hahaha, I'm I'm ward of the state, as clearly, I am insane. So I get disability for that and my back and shit. Alls I can do is sell magic cards I did great on to buy crypto I'm doing great on to buy Splinterlands cards I'm certain to do great on, I'm playing with peanuts though and it's frustrating. We're too 'poor' to get the like 200k out of our houses equity. Mom's on Social Security too, so I gotta worry about the black-booted stasi stooges trying to steal my house in case I don't immediately swallow a jug of Percocet when my mom dies. That said I guess I live like a maharaja compared to 95% of the world and frankly you're lucky if you don't have to walk for water. So I'm not taking anything for granted because I've been rich and poor twice, am currently poor and I've never been happier as a person. Well, it's like a return to when I was a kid and we were relatively wealthy, upper middle class, and I hadn't developed self loathing yet. I was living my authentic self as a skinny nigh translucently white 8 year old. Still, just utterly insane, yet inspired. I had a big SantaCruz skateboard before skating was cool.. I duct-taped cardboard 'rockets' to each side of the thing. Duct-taped a weird little rape alarm whistle my mom had to it too. It had a clicky switch and a little tiny rotor spun a tiny little fan blade looking thing and it sounded like a little air-raid siren. ðŸšĻ. 

I'd scream down the large concrete hill, on my rape whistle rocketed SantaCruz skateboard, unaware of life's eventual horrors...

How do you rate this article?

3


Whitney John Haverstock
Whitney John Haverstock

I am a 40 fledgling comedian who lives at home with his mother. Way I see it, We're stuck by an invisible force onto an impossibly verdant sphere, hurtling ever faster through outer space, so.. I try not to take anything too seriously. Go crypto!


Splinterlands comedy hour
Splinterlands comedy hour

Hey folks. 👋 My name is Whitney Haverstock and despite my cruel joke of a name, I'm a dude. Boy named Sue situation. Grade school was rough, but I don't begrudge it. Life's horrors served to slant me towards comedy as a coping mechanism. Meh. I'm having fun with it. What else... ðŸĪ” Oh, I just turned 40. Norm Macdonald died on my birthday..😔 He was more than a personal hero, dude was my spirit animal. Whole reason I started doing stand-up a year or so ago. -right before the plague and subsequent fires.

Send a $0.01 microtip in crypto to the author, and earn yourself as you read!

20% to author / 80% to me.
We pay the tips from our rewards pool.