A "holisitc" education

By LeafyLime | Sour Satire | 10 Nov 2022


Hahvad is a college that prizes its holistic approach as a state-of-the-art admission process and understands the time, effort, and financial burden used to fund private boarding schools and skiing lessons for the children of legacies and the exalted. These are the reasons we carefully consider each child of those making over $500,000 as an individual while taking into mind the hardships incurred by each family. We always take into account the sum donated by a child's parent in order to fully grasp the contribution that the student will make during their time at Hahvad. As a non-discriminatory institution, we admit those whose wardrobes consist of Louboutins, Dolce and Gabbana, Valentino, Givenchy, Alexander Wang, and many more. We understand the hardship of getting ruined dry cleaning and having to fire your assistant for giving you a coconut milk latte instead of the dandelion matcha latte. The atrocity!

Due to the commitment to the contingency of toxic wealth and arrogance, the Hahvad admissions office is pleased to publically announce its commitment to reserve 1/3 of our annual admits to those with parents who make > $500,000. New money or old money, we want you to give us your money.

As an academically rigorous university, we are pleased to read applications with summer camps and research programs costing more than $30,000, as this gives us an insight into the initiative taken by the parent and student because it means a great deal when you give up your trip to the Bahamas in order to do research with a Mitten Institute of Tweed professor their father plays golf with.

For those less fortunate,

As a diverse school, we do consider applications of children of the navvy, serf, and bourgeois. Here we skim through the poor people pile of students with 5.0 /4.0 GPA, 1700/1600 SAT, 3000 CheapstaCurriculars, and initiative to help the helpless with spikes in all areas. In short, the applicant pool is extremely exclusive and such applicants are simply borderline unqualified and all of the parents of the applicants are indistinguishable.

Hence, we are proud to announce the Hahvad coin toss initiative. This initiative will allow some select students to attend with the odds of the flip of a coin. This process is carefully administered to ensure accuracy: only Admission officers that have qualified or placed for the world coin-tossing championship will be allowed to administer the toss, and a proctor from the College surfboard will be present in order to legitimize the occasion.

However, due to the limited space in these students' parent's pockets, it is only fitting if we gave them an admission rate proportional to their income instead of their potential or ability. Since we are still politically correct, we reserve 0.0001% to peasants in order to fulfill the societal status quo.

May the coin toss be ever in your favor.

Dean of Admissions,

 

Fizzy Sizzle Cake

 


Check out my other blog site too!

https://alex1234098.wixsite.com/soursatire/post/hahvad-today-hahvad-tomorrow-hahvad-forver

 

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LeafyLime
LeafyLime

Writing fresh and zesty content


Sour Satire
Sour Satire

Fresh and zesty satire

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