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The Twue Dominate's Foolproof Guide to Getting Your Dick Wet Online (A Satire)


So you're a horny rando fuckboi on the Interwebs who's not getting any random hasty hook-up fuck action from anonymous god-knows-whats on Craigslist or Fratlife. You're also wondering why, huh? Here's a foolproof list of instructions to help solve that problem:

  • Be a lonely, thirsty dudebro dominate.
  • Find a hot sub-identifying woman. (Actually, all women are naturally submissive, so don't even bother wasting time with roles.) Any one will do, provided you want her to give you sexual release. That is, of course, why she's on a free sex site; to be your personal fetish dispenser.
  • Slide right into her DMs and demand she drop to her knees, call you "Sir" or "Master" and blow you right here, right now.
  • Don't bother with a greeting or vanilla chitchat to establish some rapport first. Most importantly, don't bother to waste time reading her profile in case it might give you clues on how to approach her. You want to bang her, not befriend her. That's for simps and beta cuck soy boys. Everybody knows women like bad boys and inconsiderate jerks.
  • A Real Dominate™ gets what he wants by demanding it. A Real Submissive™ gives it willingly to anyone who commands it, without question.
  • Be sure to send her an unsolicited dick pic. (You know, one of those uninspired ones with a coke can for convenient comparison is ideal.) You want to make sure she fully appreciates just how spectacular is your John Thomas and just how inordinately proud of it you are. She's going to be the one sucking it, after all.
  • ??? (The difficult part: Getting an enthusiastic response)
  • Fuck her to your heart's content, then leave without saying anything more than "See you next Tuesday".
  • Rinse and repeat with all her friends.
  • Profit!

Foolproof, I tell you! How could that possibly fail?

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Great White Snark
Great White Snark

I am currently unemployed, having quit my S/W & Web Dev job due to COVID-related health issues. I'm hoping to go full Crypto to earn a living, not go back to an 08:00-18:00 grind. Unsigned music producer; snarky; white; balding; smashes Patriarchy some.


Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS
Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS

Until Nov 2020, I worked as a SW/Web dev, with Java (blargh!) & Python (woot!). I'm currently milking faucets, writing for crypto to stake/invest and dabbling in play-to-earn games. I work part-time with animals. ZA FTW. Sadly, my cerebellum and medulla oblongata aren't Einsteinian in proportion. However, I possess a Brobdingnagian vocabulary and get by with being a barbigerous logophile. I can probably write you into bed. Banner image copyright The Guardian/Shutterstock

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