Apologies for the title (and occasional random capitals), but I think it's relevant. I see so many posts/comments by people (mostly hetero men) which are whinges about not getting dates/being undesirable to their potential matches and yet not wanting to do anything about themselves to change that. If you're one of those people, this post is not for you. If you're willing to assess yourself and what your profile (or lack thereof) says about you, then read on.

Disclaimer

I'm not a dating/life coach. (I leave that to the owner of Dating Kinky, who gave a webinar on the dos and don'ts of dating kinky and published at least one book about it. The content of this post is based on my notes compiled after the webinar. This is entirely my perspective and is aimed mainly at hetero men. The views expressed here are not necessarily hers. I have no association with her company. This post is not a promotion piece.)

I've not dated much, but I have had a successful FWB relationship (IVP sex was not a benefit for geographical reasons; getting slapped with knowledge was) and a monogamous LTR (over 4 years). I've also grown up in a majority-women liberal and pro-feminist household and with girls as friends, sans angle/agenda. I'm not perfect and I don't think I'm {insert name of deity}'s gift to women; I can behave like an a-hole sometimes (which is a large part of my online persona). It has been said that, "in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king". I'm not sure where that leaves someone who uses his third eye in a one-eyed trouser snake town. Hopefully in a few stunners' good books, if not their beds (although I have had a few indecent proposals I'd be very willing to entertain; do not mistake my intentions for honourable).

I use 'him/her' a lot in this post, not because I'm aiming to force a gender-binary perspective on the reader, but because that's my perspective (and this is targeted at cishet men). I don't have anything against the LBTGQ+ community, but I'm not part of it. Feel free to substitute the appropriate term(s) for you and/or your potential match.

Some of the content linked to here is posted on Fratlife (also Fartloaf or some variation thereon), for which you'll need an account if you want to view it. I don't have permission from the original authors to repost it.

Now that that's out of the way, on to the content proper.

A Note About Fartloaf, Fetish.com and Similar sites

A kink site such as FL is most likely not a dating site, but that doesn't mean you can't use it like one or find a potential prospective match if you put in the effort. If you do, there are certain things that'll give you a chance at success.

Why should a match give a shit about you?

Sell yourself in 5 minutes. On average, someone's going to give your profile that much time on the first read, 10 minutes if you've caught their interest. (The same goes for any writings you post.) Make sure there's enough vanilla about you as a person there to make them want to find out more.

Your fetishes and fantasies are not the most important thing about you; your personality, attitudes and aspirations are. (What is your vanilla life like?) However, you can keep your fetish content on site, but it's probably a good idea to move that side of you off your main page (as writings) and make the more explicit stuff (pics and videos of your genitals and sexual conduct, for example) only available to friends or on request.

Keep it in your pants at first.

Just as your fetishes and fantasies aren't the most important thing (cough) about you, neither are your bits. You can be sure your potential match is not interested in your junk as the first thing he/she sees and might even find that offensive. If you don't go around flashing random strangers IRL (which you shouldn't), why do it there? If you really feel strongly about telling everyone about your wang or trying to steer the conversation towards getting it wet (both definitely inadvisable), you can always post a rooster, anaconda or python as your profile picture; they'll get the hint. Women: Butterflies and the Eurasian Blue Tit also work. Boobies (no, not your breasts) can work for you too.

If you're into porn (yes, it's a fetish on the site), you can mention in passing that you are, but it's probably not a good idea to link to it without being asked; that's a sure way to turn someone off.

You're aiming to intrigue and entice a potential partner, not turkey-slap him/her before you've even had a conversation (and definitely not one that leads with your kinks and/or sexual fantasies).

Prove Thyself

Substantiate your claims. If you're looking for a partner, make sure it's clear that you understand what's involved and how you intend to attract one. Remember that, whatever else they are or how they identify, people are human beings first, with wants and needs. They want to be respected, understood, cared for and secure first and foremost. You need to be able to provide them with that (and demonstrate that you can) before your and their kinks are part of the relationship. Friends first, then partners, then lovers (assuming that's your ultimate goal). Yes, you're probably looking for someone to screw regularly on a long-term basis, but you've got to establish companionship and intimacy first. They want to know you as a person first, not as a six-foot-something cock.

Is it too good to be true?

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is, especially online.

Don't fill in the blanks and assume the best. Rather ask them to tell you.

What is Kitten fishing? It's different from catfishing in they're not deliberately pretending to be somebody else, but they're lying about themselves, using outdated info.

Don't believe everything you think.

Is your thinking logical? Online/vs offline chemistry is different, so don't assume that you'll get on as well IRL as you do online. Also keep in mind that people tend to feel more anonymous/confident in online chat than they do in person and can't see how you react to them (body language), so tend to disclose more than they do in public. It's best to not let messaging/chat go on much longer past the point when you both agree to exchange numbers and meet (in public [eg, munches], of course; your bedroom/dungeon is not an appropriate place for a first date).

Treat people how they want to be treated. Be nice; leave them alone if they ignore you. Don't hunt/pester people through their profiles/DMs (including mono people with a partner). For every message you send, you can be sure at least 100 (probably upwards of 500 on Fet) other people are sending him/her one, so you want to stand out. You're aiming to draw someone to you, not go out and hunt/capture them. (Think of it as trying to feed squirrels in a park, problematic as that analogy may be.)

Most importantly: Kinky dating, done well, is just like vanilla dating. The only difference is that your (and his/her) kinks come into play if/when your relationship progresses far enough to include sex (not before)!

Virtual First Date Ideas

• If you're lucky enough to exchange messages for a few days to a week, you'll want to move things to some sort of secure video chat, which messaging doesn't give you. It helps with bonding to see somebody's face. I recommend Signal from Open Whisper Systems (for Android and iOS). Kik, WhatsApp and Telegram have some security flaws (provider holds the encryption keys; WhatsApp is a FB subsidiary and has not been independently audited). I have yet to investigate Utopia Messenger.
• When both of you are comfortable with each other: The craziest/sexiest things you've seen this week. Maybe a picture exchange, such as "hot or not (and why)?"

I'm not advocating you cut your hair or not let your freak flag fly, but just be aware that not everybody's going to be OK with it flying at top mast until they're your first mate.

If you're interested in learning more and are happy to spend some $$, I encourage you to purchase NookieNotes' book. She covers a lot more in a lot more detail. This post only skims the surface.

Addendum 1: If you don't think your profile is important, think again. Almost all of the women who've messaged me (although just a few) have mentioned looking at the company I keep, reading my profile (including activity log) and looking at my pictures before reaching out. They've probably read this too.

Addendum 2: Signs You’re Dating a Man, Not a Boy

Addendum 3: SpanishRed wrote a helpful post. Unfortunately, Fratlife seems to have eaten it, unless I am mistaken.

If you like my writing and would like to show your support, please do so by subscribing to my Patreon account or find one of the posts that has my wallet addresses at the end. (Much to my chagrin, I don't earn enough from tips here (especially Patriarchy-smashing) to make a living, unfortunately.) Thank you.