Dear crypto folks: we love you. We hope your day goes perfectly and everyone around you recognizes how great you are. Yet we also hope y'all strive mightily and produce everything you can, to know the joys that can only be hard won. Like the joys of being all over each other here at the steadfast PublishOx, pushing back the tyranny of fiat - and then it's Miller time!!!
Where were we - oh ya changing the fabric of FT's crypto coverage, one chitpost at at time. Hey, they FINALLY mentioned crypto in a southern american inflation story!! Let's take a win when we can count one, fams.
Today - a Celsius teaser on the front page!! Is it still Day nine of the Nexo Vauld blackout ? Of course it is. A busy anti crypto day tho, let's see!!
Non crypto crypto news first & foremost front page as always - the fed banks have completely blown it. Loose money has caused rampant inflation, now around 10% in the USA. Not in the FT article, but it IS funny --it would be ~20% if they counted the CPI like they used to the last time this happened. Don't worry, the people KNOW. Now the feds are tanking the economy with rate hikes. It's all about the soft money baby.
The Euro is now so weak that it's screwing up Croatia's entry into the EU. And bringing back bad memories- not funny- and bad jokes - kinda funny for the EU. 
Can you NOT say "hard money needed BAD!!!" The euro fell ~20% against the dollar in ONE YEAR, why THAT's kinda, well, south american dictatorship numbers!! Wahey!!! OK, that's not fair, Sri Lanka and the Maldives both have stories where everything is going down HARD due to no hard money, means no gas, which means no food / fish, which means no justice, no peace. No funny.
Hey here we go!! Snapchat is letting people create NFTs as filters (they call them Lenses) and buy & sell on Snap!! That's pretty dang expansionary and cool for crypto right? The FT won't call it crypto, but it sure as chit involves blockchain money, honey. 
OK, actually the FT just calls it all hype and retail speculation. Dear reader know our question - howcum we never hear the FT refer to David Hockney's paintings selling for $90,000,000 as "retail speculation?" We won't hold our breath for an answer, but we will say NFTs ~5X > Hockney's greatest hit...
Hmm, more inflation stories, how to help the poor best.
Canada, New Zealand, Korea raising rates.
Netherland's central bank head Klaus Knot says high debt levels are causing loads of trouble. It's all "perilous, economically and geopolitically." What WAS your first clue, Klaus? Farmers dumping manure on your nice clean building??
Oh wait, hidden in the last two paragraphs - it's all Bitcoin's fault!! 
. Yeah, ok. All the free money printed in the world, causing massive debt, crushing inflation causing actual revolutions in many countries - and what we really need is to regulate the chit out of the only hard money in the world. Yessir, KK, we are just SO sure that THIS time the central banks will REALLY help all the little people. The disasters of the last ten years were just, what, a joke?? The central banks were just seeing if WE knew that they were totally scr-wing the poodle??
And NOW, Klaus "robustly" tries to swing the banhammer on crypto, everything will be just peachy smiley wonderful again. Boy THAT's great to hear, thanks KK, we will sleep much better tonight. And surely all the FARMERS RIOTING IN YOUR COUNTRY will TOO, now they know first thing in OCTOBER y'all will reg the chit outta crypto. This WOULD be funny if not so sad.
So, on to The Big Read!! Let's bash Alex the Machine some more!! OK!!
TLDR, Celsius made fun of Warren Buffett, paraphrasing Warren's long term stance chestnuts. 18 months later Celsius locked up. Rehash crypto bash, y'all have heard it before- This is crypto's Lehman moment. A "40bn (sic) Celcryptocurrency called Terra imploded." Celsius acted horribly, telling customers to HODL while they sold sold sold sold. Cries for regulation from Gensler, LaGuarde, and Arca.
Celsius execs sold $40MM of CEL back to the company in 2020-2021. Alex the Machine talked a lotta sh-t, "we are safer than most banks," while meanwhile trading like crackhead monkeys with client funds and "handshake" agreements, little risk control and chit auditing. Celsius became famous for effing up, losing a known $100MM in bad projects. Humorously, Celsius backed BadgerDAO, which got hacked, then gave investors including Celsius new tokens that would pay back recoveries if not sold, Celsius sold them anyway. Now THAT's funny.
Sammy B Fried looked into saving Celsius, but FTX ran like the wind when Celsius showed a $1 - 2 billion hole in their accounting.
Hilariously, Celsius still managed to raise $750MM from a former Blackstone exec Westcap and a huge Canadian pension fund, CDPQ, valuing Celsius at $3 billion around the time they fled from London to the Dirty Jersey under scrutiny from the UK's FCA. Yes, it is a sidesplitter, as WestCap and CDPQ ACTUALLY BRAGGED ABOUT THEIR GREAT DUE DILIGENCE PROCESS AH HAH HAH HAH !! not so funny for Canadian pensioners, but still. 
The REAL story - First off, a big fatty FU to the FT for sloppy crypto hating. Do y'all remember Terra peaking at 40 billion ? H-ll no ya don't cause it never did. Not even worth spending pixels, but a link below has Statista showing Terra peaking out at $18MM. Or we could go by the FT's own reporting, which over and over and OVER used the $20 billion figure while trying to conflate Terra with Tether, it's the T thing darling. Will the FT print a retraction?? At this point, we doubt it. Whats a 2x difference, oh it's only 20 Billion dollars off!?!?! -ssholes. No lie is too big when yer bashing crypto for the FT. Josh, didn't we expect more from you?? Talking down to us about "a cryptocurrency called Terra" while blowing the size by 20 billion. Just call it TerraUSD, an algo stablecoin. Here Celcius is nuts for offering 18% interest rates, but Vauld still got smeared with no retraction as the FT claims they offered 40% - dear readers know Vauld only offered 12%. So unnecessary, too. There's PLENTY of hate to go around when bashing Alex's crypto, no need to lie again about Terra. It's a rich, rich vein to mine already!!
That said, dear readers know this was not crypto's Lehman moment. Lehman's moment was like the Dave Chappelle joke where EVERYBODY but you is in on the scam. The three card monty players, the crowd, the card dealer, the cops, your lawyers, their lawyers, the courts & the entire system is stacked against you in perpetuity and "throughout the universe."
For Lehman, the biggest auditor in the world, all the quasi govermental credit rating agencies, massive brokerages, huge banks, the full faith and credit of the USA, and god knows who all else got all working together to screw Grandma. Unless E&Y, Standard & Poors, the government, Schwab, Gensler and LaGuarde & a whole mess of others were helping Alex run his scam & we just haven't found out yet, and even then the FISD would have to bail out degen clients of Celsius to come close. Please PLEASE STFU FT about that Lehman line of chit.
Dear readers know regulators wanna regulate, but LaGuarde should STFU. Unless she would like to apply her own standards to Alex et al. As head of the IMF, in 2016 Christine was convicted of a bank to bank theft of $425 million in 2008, that's $565MM today. She cried, then got zero in fines, zero days in jail, and was promptly given her current gig as pres of the EU central bank. Alex wishes HE was a politician about now.
Mpst of this was a rehash, but we had forgotten about the BadgerDAO funny, plus dear readers know we are not there for new tokens given out after crash n burns anyway. The WestCap CDPQ fiasco is well worth repeating. We don't think the FT really needed to retouch Alex's picture into B&W to make him look even worse, and SOMEDAY we hope to see a positive BTC graph in the FT. Cause we are crazy dreamers in love. One FU for lying about Terra ever being halfway to 40 billion USD. One FU for trying to run that Lehman BS again, and half an FU for the general rehash and the cheezy, negative, retouched graphic. But judges give 1.5 FU discount for the BadgerDAO and the CDPQ laugher recap & details of the Celsius gang messing with Celsius. Grand total - a low 1 out of 5 FU's for this Big Read crypto smear job.
One last kick at crypto is delivered by good old Jemima, dear readers will remember her "I am SO unhappy because I have so much choice in entertainment " followed by "crypto has zero scarcity" stance. This time she literally chits all over Web3, the "magical fabric of decentralized dreams. " She says it all seemed brilliant until the market started to tank, which means she misses the point entirely. She thinks Web3 will make centralized power even worse, and crypto is the same old "stinky bullshit" as ever. Wow, somebody's a little crabby, huh? Do we need a nap or a juice or a boyfriend?? We can't stomach even going through all this in detail, just look at her bitter face and juvenile insults, why they are just as bad as ours! Except she gets paid to write for over a million readers. 
No mention of the only trace of anything resembling a free market left in this world, remember Lex used to mean the law of the market? Not a mention of how hard money could have avoided a boatload of the troubles of this world. No mention of the simple joy NFT's have brought to so many artists and collectors, painting is dead, long live ART!!! She invokes Meta as a big negative, without mentioning that the FT printed that Meta's new leader is looking to the blockchain to restore people's faith in Meta. The market goes up and down, J, that's just noise. 
Jemima, don't tell us. Tell the truckers who were able to eat and not freeze to death when the system, banks and the government yanked charity funds that had been given to them specifically. Tell it to Argentinians and so many other countries who were able to save some of their money from beneath the crushing weight of the disasters heaped on them by their fiat printing overlord elites. Tell it to poor countries where a huge part of their GDP comes only from remittances, and now the people can save the ~25% of that which Western Union used to rip off every damn day, if we are gonna curse without mincing our epithets.
You say you understand tech so well that you can splain it to us, maybe you could give some respect to the math & design of distributed cyphercoins proving to be hard, unstoppable money that have resisted all efforts by people like you to crush it! Instead, providing benefits like those we just listed and many more?? Or if that's all too meta for y'all, Jem, read your own paper. Viz your own country lobbying like hell to allow turning mutual funds into mutualcoins for fun & profit & alpha to save the City to support writers like you to spout absolute gloom for humanity in financial papers. We can't give you five out of five FUs, cause we don't want y'all to think you are perfect in anything, and also cause yes we all know grabbing hands grab all they can everywhere. Really, re read the above, try to love somebody, and let a tiny ray of hope for technology sometimes being a force for good cut through your horrid viewpoint. 4 out of 5 FU's, Jem, we know ya were gunning for five or six, but we just feel bad for you now.
Peace, love, even for the Jems of the world, and light & hope for humanity through superior technology,
Dave
