We Filipinos are a strange and humorous lot. It is in our genes to tell jokes during work time, break times, social events, during gossip on the street, drinking sprees, wherever and whenever there are things to discuss about under the sun. Even our current national leader is somewhat of a politically incorrect joker!
These are some of the Filipino jokes I have tried to remember, heard, talked about, read, and laughed at over the years ever since I was in high school . I have to translate some words and names just to make them understandable to Western audiences and some may not even be funny to their taste when done in English. They are best told in Filipino for the humorous impact.
And hey, maybe I could do a part 2 and more if this post succeeds in catching your humor.
Do You Wanna Dance?
A handsome boy approached a lonely girl sitting in a corner during a party.
BOY: Aren't you going to dance?
GIRL: (Happily stood up and beamed) Oh, yes I will!
BOY: Thank God! I'm tired! Can I sit in your place?
The Locked Window
WIFE: Hello, hotel desk? Please quickly send some MAINTENANCE personnel. My husband is trying to jump off the window! Hurry!
HOTEL ADMIN: Ma'am, we should call 911!
WIFE: Damn it, I need the maintenance personnel to open the locked windows! They won't open!
DAD: Hey, Bruno! As your father, I command you to stop being gay and acting like a damn girl!
SON: Don't worry, Dad! I'm going to the basketball court now.
DAD: That's it! Basketball is a man's game!
SON: Mom! Have you seen my pompoms???
LADY: Is your mother at home?
JOHN: Why? What's this about?
LADY: It is about her debt...
JOHN: I'm sorry! She went to the provinces yesterday to visit her relatives!
LADY: I meant I am going to pay for her debt!
JOHN: Oh, she just arrived this morning!
The Sleepy Look
PETER: Hey, Buddy. Why are you staring long at the mirror with your eyes closed?
JOHN: Shhh! I Just wanna take a look at what my face would look like when I'm sleeping!
Why Wear if Small...
TINA: Honey, please buy me a new bra.
JOHN: There's no need for that. Your breasts are too small anyway...
TINA: Oh yeah??? Then why the hell are you wearing briefs then?!?
The Alarm Clock
JOHN: At last! I woke up early because of my alarm clock!
PETER: Why? Was your previous one broken?
JOHN: No! My wife threw it at me while I was still sleeping and the pain woke me up!
A homicidal killer takes a couple hostage.
KILLER: Your name, Ma'am?
WIFE: Please, don't kill me. It's MARY.
KILLER: Your name is the same as my mother! I won't kill you. And you, Sir?
HUSBAND: John...but my friends call me MARY!
PETER: (Showing his displeasure at the bellboy) I maybe an ignorant country hillbilly, but I do not deserve this tiny room without any bed or windows!
BELLBOY: Sir, we are still on the elevator!
WIFE: Honey, my terminal illness is killing me slowly...Please, hold me till I don't wake up.
JOHN: Good! At least you get to sleep forever while I have to wake up damn early for work!
Meanwhile in a mental institution...
DOCTOR: Are you thinking about your family?
MENTAL PATIENT: Of course! They are still on my mind.
DOCTOR: (Excited that his patient is improving) Oh? Where's your family then?
MENTAL PATIENT: Hello??? They are still on my mind, you idiot!
Three drunk friends were discussing their grandfathers' World War 2 exploits during a drinking session.
PETER: My gramps killed a hundred enemy soldiers during the war before he was killed!
JAMES: That's nothing! My grand pa killed 500 enemy soldiers before he took the bullet!
JOHN: My grand pappy was the best! He only killed only two soldiers but they were your grandfathers!