PayPal goes on record to uncover the truth: It created Satoshi As a Digital Payments Fail Safe...                                                 (satire)

Don't you love it when the truth is so bizarre that it makes even a silly post like this believable?

Yeah, me too. Formalities and small pieces of logic aside, enter an imaginative universe where satire might actually make more sense than what really happens.

For many years, PayPal has provided a nearly seamless bridge between brick and mortar payment systems, and the growing online community. Since most of the internet is comprised of people who never knew a world without internet, let me enlighten you. It used to be that most banking was done in person. People used checks, stamps, and envelopes to pay their bills, making it also necessary to count backwards the number of days their payments need to arrive before clearing and being counted on time, and in place of a processing fee, you paid roughly the same for the price of that stamp.

And then, there was eBay. Yes, even in the first couple of years of the 'real' internet, you paid for everything online with a card on file. Your internet service provider was charged to your card each month. When eBay started building momentum, and people realized every item they'd usually hunt down at the local mall or thrift store was available with the added thrill of a bidding war, it became more and more apparent there needed to be friendlier payment systems that had the same instantaneous zest. When PayPal became a 'thing' and integrated with eBay, it was like a match made in heaven. As more online outlets began allowing payments using PayPal, it started making more and more sense for online websites to accept PayPal and have a flat payment processing fee in trade for the slightly steeper rates for processing credit cards.

PayPal had competition, but not much to hold a candle to it's bulk business. People could begin using it more and more like an extension of their bank, sending money directly to friends or family, setting up invoices, and other new conveniences.  It's dominance in the market and the fact there were some countries that had difficulty with remittance or were simply not available to PayPal, led to a strong dislike for the company. At the dawning of Bitcoin, a whole new chapter began.

It was notable on record when Bitcoin was first worth 1 penny. It was worth celebration when 1 Bitcoin was worth $1 finally. the challenge to the concept of digital payments was growing into new arenas. When Bitcoin was first worth , $200, $1000, $5000 it was clear that years of building interest and support was driving value on ideals and also on scarcity.

For the majority of Bitcoins 10+ years, it has always been seen as the antithesis of traditional banking, centralization and control. "Take that, PayPal... we've got BITCOIN!" we could hear the troops shout.

And now for the funny part.

PayPal just recently announced that it is coming clean. In a bout for popularity and relevance, the team finally revealed that they are in fact the true designers of the Bitcoin. Since Bitcoin is heading into a 2 year halving sequence likely to strike public interest, PayPal decided the best way to come clean about their invention was to make it available via PayPal. In a bizarre twist, this dystopian tactic also known as dialectical materialism, has worked wonders for the origin team.

It didn't take long for PayPal to kill the coolness factor, with their marketing team planning a "We Are Satoshi" campaign that left the crypto community shaking their heads with embarrassment.

Many leaders of the CryptoTwitter community reflected on the new revelations:

You know, we were just getting comfortable with the fact that we were either never gonna know who the real Satoshi was, or we would have to accept the fact that it might actually be Craig Wright. Now, we find out the centralized banks that we loath are the ones that made our beloved trustless crypto dominator, Bitcoin. Man, 2020 we get Australia on fire, super flu gonna getcha, race wars and social distancing, and now this? Man, next thing ya know, we're gonna find out that Elon Musk doesn't actually send out humanitarian crypto to random people in Telegram groups. There ain't nothin' sacred in this world.

You see, PayPal is for the 'other' folks that prefer some semblance of tradition in banking, where Bitcoin is the future of finance with investments, payments systems and remittance all rolled up into one wacky bubble. By subtly pitting Bitcoin against the PayPal service, the clever team realized they could increase sales in both camps using the narrative that the other one is the evil twin. When asked to comment, representatives, who shall remain nameless, stated:

With instant payments, strong security, good relationships with banks, reasonable support staff and near-global implementation, the only substantial complaints we faced dealt with the fact that we are a go-between. Even though we keep rates affordable, and in many cases money can be sent with no fee, the idea that someone was in charge with passive funds from one digital asset to another just wasn't resonating with the new generation. So, we decided to provide essentially the exact same thing, but with Napster, and boy did it work!?

Also a shock to the cryptocurrency community, the onslaught realization that PayPal kills the very cool-factor to the birth of crypto, comes the shocking realization of just how little they actually understood the technical revolution they had created. Many speculate that if they'd all known the flimsy reason blockchain actually worked, Bitcoin probably never would have gotten off the ground. Unfortunately, that also means one has to admit kudos to PayPal for nailing it; Bitcoin quite literally became a phenomenon largely because it wasn't PayPal.

On the heels of an announcement that crypto is coming to PayPal, Coinbase tried to get away with a similar announcement to claim that they were the real founders of ETHER, but this idea back-fired. You see, while they were busy trading $ Billions of coins OTC while faking front-end maintenance, they failed to research that the world in fact, already knows that Vitalik Buterin is the founder of Ethereum.

We will likely see a world where PayPal and Bitcoin can play nice together, and in 2020 that is saying a LOT. 

... and for now, Crypto Gordon Freeman, Super Hero for the funny... out.