Cursed crypto satire and parody pieces by A.B. Gobling. And More!
21 Oct 2025 1 minute read 1 comment Crypto Goblin $0.15
one man’s eternal contract, now slightly discounted. The Minting Process It started as a joke. I was on my fifth energy drink, staring at a blank screen, when I thought: What if I tokenize my soul?So I did. I uploaded a single JPEG — a minimalist dra...
19 Oct 2025 2 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.34
The Invitation It started, as all modern spiritual journeys do, with a Telegram message at 3:33 a.m.: “GM brother. You look like someone who’s ready to transcend entry liquidity.” They called themselves The Order of Eternal Pump — a secret trading co...
17 Oct 2025 1 minute read 1 comment Crypto Goblin $0.14
domestic DeFi, at refrigerator temperature. I. Discovery It started when my milk went missing. Then my fridge light began blinking in binary. When I opened the freezer, it whispered, “wagmi.”At first I thought I’d finally burned out on yield farming...
17 Oct 2025 1 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.11
filed from somewhere in the blockchain woods The Expedition Begins It started with a Telegram DM that said, “Yo, brother, we’re tokenizing cryptids.”Naturally, I packed a GoPro, a ledger wallet, and a can of bug spray that expired during the ICO boo...
16 Oct 2025 2 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.15
Whitepaper v0.1 — Extinct But Trustworthy Abstract JurassiFi introduces a groundbreaking financial paradigm: DeFi, but older. Built on the Proof-of-Extinction™ consensus model, JurassiFi ensures true scarcity by rewarding holders who refuse to evolve...
22 Jun 2025 4 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.07
Every market has its legends. But in crypto?They don’t wear suits. They don’t ring bells.They move $14 million in stablecoins at 3:12 AM and leave behind nothing but a chart pattern and a faint scent of yuzu vape. Welcome to Crypto Whale Watching—whe...
19 Jun 2025 3 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.11
It started with a flutter.Then a flicker.Then 37 Arbitrum tokens in my wallet and the growing suspicion that my ceiling fan was watching me. This isn’t a metaphor.This is what happens when Mothman gets into crypto. The Drop It was 2:00 AM and I was...
17 Jun 2025 3 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.08
People say the Hat Man only appears during sleep paralysis, delirium, or two boxes of expired Benadryl and a dream about the Federal Reserve. I say:He’s my miner now. This isn’t a hallucination.This is proof-of-shadow. Who Is the Hat Man? He’s tall....
16 Jun 2025 3 minute read 4 comments Crypto Goblin $0.15
Some people get into crypto through Bitcoin.Others through DeFi.But the real ones?They got in through faucets—the digital penny jars of the blockchain. This is the story of how I almost drowned in digital droplets chasing free coins from 87 different...
16 Jun 2025 4 minute read 0 comments Crypto Goblin $0.06
You ever hear a dial tone and feel your spine light up? You ever stare at a hardware wallet and think, “this could be a payphone”? This one’s for the cryptographic misfits. The ones who see a QR code and instinctively want to modulate it through a bl...
